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Jealous friend?(18 Posts)
I ended a very unhappy long term relationship last year after 18months of personal counselling and many attempts to get him to help me fix the relationship. There was no drama in the end, i just couldnt do it anymore and although we were both very sad it was mutally agreed that in the long run it was for the best.
In amongst this I was close to a male colleague which intensified after the breakdown of my relationship and we became more than friends. In an ideal world i would have waited longer before starting anything new but it just felt right and a lot of what i had been missing in my previous relationship all seemed to click into place. One year later we are still very much together and feel exactly as we did to begin with. I feel like me and happy for the first time in my life and want to enjoy that!
However a friend of mine who has for the past ten years been an almost mother figure to me has been progressively ‘weird’ with me since i ended my last relationship. She repeatedly said how she felt sorry for my ex as i had instigated the breakup and that she could relate to him from her experiences getting divorced. This had upset me at the time as i didnt feel very supported by her, particularly as there had been no foul play on either side so i thought it was weird she was ‘taking sides’. She was the first person i told about my current boyfriend and i was nervous initially as i thought she would think it was too soon. Her reaction was very extreme and she was very upset but wouldnt explain to me why other than it had triggered some old feelings from her marriage breakdown. I still dont understand why this is. I have tried to ignore the fact that she never wants to know anything about my relationship and actively ignores comments made by other people about us as a couple. However recently it has been bothering me more so I asked her what was going on. She said nothing but brought up something minor from 4 months ago which in my opinion was her simply misreading a situation.
She wont tell me the real issue and at this point I feel so hurt by her that I dont think it matters what the issue is. I just think its just a huge shame that for whatever reason she cant seem to be happy for me. Some people have suggested that maybe she had a crush on my boyfriend but i dont think that is the case. I just dont know if its possible to continue the friendship if i have to seperate a huge section of my life from her. She once asked if i had told him i loved him. I said yes and her response was “Well there’s a big difference between loving someone and being IN love with them”. I just son’t know how to move forward with her now.
Have you considerd that she just isnt a nice person? That she doesnt wsnt you to be happy, or to believe in your own decisions.
Narcissistic sorts tend to want us to stay with ppl who arent good for us and dont make us happy. Hey want us to doubt our healthy choices. Which would explain her taking your exs side.
Has she been there FOR you this past ten years? Or just, there. Because there is a big difference.
Have you noticed her being competitive or one upping you in the past? Or that she seems fine when you are unhappy but when things are going well for you, she is a downer? Those are other signs she may be toxic.
I think I would just distance myself from her, to be honest.
Relationships - including friendships - run their course. This friend sounds like she is no longer bringing anything particularly positive to your life and I think, like your last relationship, I would just let it go.
She definately is a nice person which i why this is all the more confusing. She is very caring and kind however i think she needs to feel needed and obviously i have not ‘needed’ her in the same way as before as i am now in a decent and loving relationship. I think she is jealous that my time is not as focused on her as it used to be however i dont think this is unreasonable on my part and is exactly how she has behaved in the past when she has had boyfriends. I think she is just lonely but the way she has been with me has made me really resentful towards her despite being sympathetic towards her being unhappy. She makes me feel like because she is unhappy i should be too.
Google covert narcissist it may shine a light
She's jealous and resentful I'm afraid.
Some 'friends' really can't stand it when the table turns and the underdog (in their eyes) does well and is happy.
She does sound jealous and resentful, which she hasn’t learnt to cope with. Sounds like she needs therapy / counselling.
I have similar with a friend now! Not exactly the same situation as yours. Me and my partner, who have NOW been together for two years, got together in similar circumstances. We were both in relationships (me married, him long term), we both left those relationships independently and then got together quite soon after. I will admit there were feelings before but nothing ever happened until after we left our relationship. Despite there never being an affair, she still goes on TWO years down the line about how sorry she feels for our ex partners. Despite the fact they have both moved onto with other people. She will actively stick up for my partners ex when she comes up in conversation (his ex did some crazy stuff trying to get him back at the time including faking a pregnancy) despite not knowing her. She says she can't help feeling sorry for her 🤷🏼♀️
The conclusion I've come to is that people will always have an opinion. Your friend clearly believes that what you did was wrong and for some reason can't let it go. But ultimately, your relationship is now long term and however you got together doesn't matter and shouldn't matter to her. She's supposed to be your friend.
Good friends who genuinely care for you would be happy for you, and proud of you.
That's how I feel about my good friends, and they're the same for me.
So what's her problem? Seems she's only interested when things aren't so good. I've had a friend like that, I realised when I'd done something to be proud of, like getting a new job, she showed zilch interest and changed the subject.
Not my definition of a genuine friend.
@Dollyrocket I agree. Since my own experiences with counselling I know this would benefit her. She has had a lot of bad stuff happen in her life but never seems to deal with the issues, but then they flare up in mini ‘breakdowns’ every six months or so. But she never opens up to me about it and I’m not going to chase her or break down her door and beg her to tell me what’s wrong. It’s just not my style and I believe that if you are proper friends then you will open up without the game playing. I also have wondered if she might be going through early menopause. Which if is the case would explain her general behaviour perhaps but I dont think its an excuse either.
@incywincyspiders Yes i do think some of the underlying issue is she thinks I did something wrong. Maybe she think I lied to her, I don’t know. The implication is she thinks I had an affair, or judges me for the speed in which I got into a new relationship, however other than feeling protective/concerned I was rushing in I don’t feel she has the right to have any other opinions on the situation. I wouldn’t judge her for her life choice. I might not think a friend was doing the right thing but i would not judge them for it, especially a year down the line.
Similarly to your situation my ex has moved on and had a new partner only two months later so I don’t even feel like she needs to have any sympathy for him. She knew how unhappy I was for a long time and has acknowledged that I am much more confident now. It makes me sad that such an important friendship has turned so sour when I’m now in a place that I really want to be our enjoying life.
What was the situation with the dissolution of your friend's marriage? Did he cheat on her or find somebody else very soon after it ended? If that's the case, she could be projecting her feelings about that on to your circumstances now.
Obviously that's not a good thing to do - but you said she's been almost a mother figure to you so I'm guessing that means she has seen you through some real hardships, and so maybe it's a good idea to ask her candidly about this and try to salvage your friendship.
If you feel the friendship is heading south anyway then you have nothing to lose by bringing up more difficult topics.
My guess (as a complete stranger with only your description to guide me) is that she thinks you have somehow betrayed your ex the way her husband betrayed her, and judges you for that even though she might not even realise that's how she feels. Obviously what he did iwould be nothing like what you did, but you might need to outwardly discuss all that in order to fix it.
I think it's worth one last push to get her to talk to you openly
@NumbsMet Yes her ex cheated on her for years and I’m sure this is in part the root of the problem but I have openly asked her about what the problem is and she says nothing. However multiple people have told me that is not the case, as does the way she behaves.
The two situations are completely different circumstances and although I can sympathise to a degree that she might be projecting her feelings and I cannot imagine what she has gone through but I find it so offensive that she either doesnt believe me in regards to how I got together with my boyfriend, or judges me to a similar standard to her ex who was just vile to her.
I have asked her outright twice now and have said I want to fix the problem but she denies there being one. I feel my only option now is to get some space and see what that brings I guess.
Sorry but I agree with 'covert narcissist'.
If they arent telling you what is wrong, it's because they are the one that's done something wrong. But they arent going to tell you they are actually the baddy.
They also dont let you fix the feeling that something is wrong. They don't want to talk about it. They like you feeling destabilised and as if you've done something wrong...but heaving knows what. This way, they hold all the cards.
I think you might need to reconsider your definition of a 'nice' person.
I have a friend who left a long term relationship and in very short order was intensely involved with someone else that she had been close to during her previous relationship. I feel that she is self-deceiving about the extent to which her feelings for the new guy influenced her decision about the previous relationship. I also really like her ex. Consequently I find it a bit irritating when she talks about her ex with judgement/ condescension, and as though she did everything to fix things while he wasn't doing his bit. I just think it's a convenient and un-reflective take on her part. I'm happy she's happy. I don't think it's my business who she's with. I just find aspects of her take on it all a bit annoying and I don't want to hear it. This may be totally different from your friend's position, but just putting it out there for all the people talking about narcists who can't be happy for others as the only angle.
@Eggboxesallaround in that case yes you're right, just get some space from her, you've done all you can. Sometimes people ramp up their off behaviour if they think you'll pander to them to make things better. At this stage the only hope would be for her to realise you're pulling away and try to fix things herself.
Whatever's going on with her, is her business. But for you, why on earth would you want a friend who you describe as ' almost mother figure to me '? Move on towards friendships where you are on a more equal footing, don't look for a mother!!
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