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Boyfriend using sites for random sex

(27 Posts)
Maleficentdeer2 Tue 26-May-20 18:15:28

So I'm after some advice. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. 2 and a half years ago I found out that he had been using sites to meet random women for sex, and has had some threesomes.

I asked him for complete honesty, I wanted to know how many times, why, and so on. He told me that he was a sex addict, and that he had already stopped using the sites, and deleted his account before I found out. He had been on the sites since before he had met me, whilst he was in his previous relationship.

He went for counselling, his choice, and I agreed to move on and leave it behind us.

About 2 months ago, he had a message off a man who he had met during a threesome. My bf phoned the guy (he says to tell him that he had left that life behind) and the guy told him that not long after the meet, his partner found out he was expecting. They now have a nearly 3 year old son. The guy wanted to know if he would like to do a paternity test, my boyfriend said no.

My boyfriend did not tell me about this until today. He contacted the guy today and said he would like the test, but asked if the mum knew, the guy said no, and he's 99% sure that it's not my boyfriend's anyway. My boyfriend asked what would happen if they had a test, and he was the father, the guy said nothing. It would change nothing. So they both agreed to forget about it.

I'm so confused. He tells me that he loves me, and this is all in the past. Although, he never told me about this threesome. He's also now told me about some other hook ups he had, although is adamant that nothing has happened since I first found out.

I'm in turmoil. I love this man immensely. I have children who love him, and he has a son, who I love and is a part of my family.

How many lies does one woman tolerate? What of this child turns out to be his? Should I be encouraging him to find out? The dates work, just, if she was late giving birth, if she was early, then it can't be his.

Am I completely delusional to stay in this relationship? Should I trust him? Should I run for the hills? Are there better men out there?

I hope someone can help me out! Xx

OP’s posts: |
GilbertMarkham Tue 26-May-20 18:24:08

Should I run for the hills?

Yes

Are there better men out there?

Yes.

Nymeriastark1 Tue 26-May-20 18:26:11

Of course there are better men than this. Leave.

GilbertMarkham Tue 26-May-20 18:27:31

It's a very good thing you have no kids with him.

Children loving people .. well to be blunt children live pretty much anyone who shows them attention and who they have contact with. They even love people who are unkind to them for the sake of argument. So their "love" doesn't really mean much .. sounds harsh but it's true. Just emphasizing that they can become somewhat attached and likewise they can detach. They're not a reason to stick with someone who's untrustworthy, low integrity, scummy, degenerate etc.

SpencerReidsMistress Tue 26-May-20 18:31:13

Run for the hills. You can clearly do so much better than this.

GilbertMarkham Tue 26-May-20 18:31:38

It's best your kids don't have this specimen around as a role model in their lives, no matter how well he hides his behaviour.

It's a pity about his son (re your relationship) but he has a mum and a dad, other relatives no doubt, and will adjust. I would say try to maintain contact but I think that could be very awkward and really counterproductive to your moving on well and your happiness. Sorry to be so blunt again but he's not tour responsibility .. your only connection is though his dad and his dad had fucked your relationship royally so you have no choice but to move on.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Tue 26-May-20 18:34:34

If the child is 3 he's been cheating on you and it didn't stop when he met you. He's not going to stop, him contacting a swinger to tell him he's no longer in the market for a threesome is absolute bullshit. End this and work on yourself

PerfidiousAlbion Tue 26-May-20 18:34:42

He’s a liar, a cheat and a sex addict.

Given those facts, imagine your future.

GilbertMarkham Tue 26-May-20 18:35:26

This man clearly needs to find a partner who is ok with and participates in this lifestyle.

That's the only way he could act with any integrity.

They won't be easy to find either. He knows that which is why he hasnt but more so I suspect because he wants this lifestyle for him but not for his partner. Which makes him a lying, piss-taking, potential std spreading, scummy, highly hypocritical no integrity person.
And that's not even getting on to the potential financial and emotional impact of possible kids from his activities, as you are now experiencing.

GilbertMarkham Tue 26-May-20 18:38:02

Btw sex addict seems to be the standard go to bullshit cover for cheaters.

Bananalanacake Tue 26-May-20 18:41:33

It's good you don't live with him so it's easier to end it. Yes, there are better men out there.

CuppaZa Tue 26-May-20 18:42:26

Yep, sex addict does seem to be standard response for cheaters.
OP please get rid of him. Get an STD check if you haven’t already. The fact that there is a possibility he fathered a child whilst having a threesome with strangers makes my skin crawl.

tsmainsqueeze Tue 26-May-20 18:53:39

You / all women deserve better than this , how can you live with no trust ? , this is not love .
I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than stay with an arsehole like him.
He will never change , you are the one that needs to change , get rid and don't look back. and don't ever tolerate a shit relationship again .

pinkyredrose Tue 26-May-20 19:25:28

He's been shagging around without protection? Gross. Get an sti test

Hopeisnotastrategy Tue 26-May-20 20:13:59

Get. Rid.

💐

glitterbiscuits Tue 26-May-20 20:18:55

You could win prizes for mug of the year!
Dump him now and don't settle for crap next time.

AlwaysCheddar Wed 27-May-20 06:09:33

Leave him!!

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Wed 27-May-20 07:03:51

Blimey

The amount of shit some women tolerate never ceases to amaze me.

If this isn't enough for you to end it, what on earth would be??

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Wed 27-May-20 07:17:32

Don't you want to have a man who is just for you? Who doesn't sleep with other women? You deserve better than this, come on!

IveGotFrills Wed 27-May-20 07:26:03

This is within the time period you said you knew about op, so what's changed? What is he lying about? Maybe see if you can find anything he's done more recently but, if not, this is something you've accepted for the last 2.5 years so maybe he has changed.

AllsortsofAwkward Wed 27-May-20 07:38:52

Tbh op its grim I dread to think how many people hes come into contact with behind you're back.

LovingLola Wed 27-May-20 07:43:36

Thankfully your kids don’t adore him.

SebandAlice Wed 27-May-20 07:47:55

So he has been sleeping with both men and women during your relationship? Eeewww do you really need to ask?

About 2 months ago, he had a message off a man who he had met during a threesome. My bf phoned the guy (he says to tell him that he had left that life behind)
Bullshit.

ItsMsActually Wed 27-May-20 07:52:29

Wow.

Please sack him off.

soruff Thu 28-May-20 10:39:05

Two points from your post that I think are important:
* He told the other guy he had left that life and tried to
* You say you love him immensely
Are you trying to include those factors in your plan tor the future?
It is obvious that most of the other contributors would not tolerate him. I could not even get to where you are now. BUT I do not love him.
You do and you would like to 'mend' things or form a plan to mend your existing family. I admire your bravery and hope you can form a plan together. A plan that you, yes, you only can be content with.

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