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Would you go into a fwb situation with an ex?

(24 Posts)
highlighta Tue 26-May-20 08:50:19

Had what I would call a rebound relationship after my divorce (20 year marriage) with ex DP. I decided to end the relationship at the beginning of the year. He was getting too needy and I couldn't cope with it. We have been friends a very long time (more than 30 years) and we ended up in a relationship after he was divorced a year and I was separated 3 years and divorced only a few months.

I was pretty devastated when I ended it but it just wasn't good for me mentally but I don't now regret ending it.

As much as it might not be ideal, we have kept in touch. But it is just like it was before we got together now, as in a friendship and it is much better this way.

It was a long distance relationship, he lives quite far away from me and we would only ever see each some weekends, so when we spent the Christmas holidays together (3 weeks) I knew it wasn't going to work out.

We had a discussion last night (we only ever talk over whatsapp and did in the relationship too, which I know, is very odd) and he put forward the idea of once lockdown is over, that we consider going away for a weekend, on a fwb basis.

The thing is, that on the face of it, it doesn't sound too bad an idea. The sex was good and I do miss it. And i like his company, just not in a relationship.

Although I was pretty down about the breakup (its been 4 months now) I can see it was never going to work and i don't feel the same way towards him anymore, as in romantically. We were together for 18 months. But there is most definitely a connection there and I think always will be.

I think I will be okay with keeping the boundaries if we do go ahead with a it, I am not sure if he will though, and I am wondering if this offer is to try to open the door to try the relationship out again.

I have no interest in going into another relationship at all, with him or anyone, I can see that it was a rebound very clearly now.

I don't know if lockdown is skewing my thoughts, if this is a terrible idea, but a weekend away with some decent sex and with someone I do trust, doesn't sound too bad right now.

(He was a love bomber, it will be a very fancy swanky weekend away i am pretty sure)

OP’s posts: |
Wagamamas Tue 26-May-20 09:00:46

Well, how desperate are you for the sex that you know you will be using him for as you say he wants more with you.. and how good is the sex with him?
Im selfish and sexually deprived. if the sex was my best ever and i have bever ever had anyone like that i would take him for the ride grin and tell him if he gets awkward that it was his idea to be fwb.
If the sex was ok but you had good or better sex with others id just go find someone else and leave him in the past.
I know it sounds awful but men do this to us all the time.

MMmomDD Tue 26-May-20 09:09:27

Life is too short and you are all adults. It’s perfectly OK to do something that feels good - especially given that you aren’t pretending or hiding anything.
Have the weekend - why not - we have all been cooped up for too long.

You have a long history and a connection. And it’s a shame to throw it away. You don’t need to worry about what he may be secretly hoping, or not. It is also perfectly possible that he is just lonely after the isolation and wants to have a nice weekend with someone who isn’t a stranger. Some human connection.
Given that you live far away - it puts a natural limit to any sort of future relationships anyway.

So I’d say - go for it and have any future relationship/arrangement on your terms. He is an adult and can decide if it works for him as it progresses.

thepeopleversuswork Tue 26-May-20 09:09:48

wagamama I agree. Won’t be a popular view here but I’m afraid I feel pretty ruthless about this. For millennia men have been using us for sex and domestic drudgery, in that order. As a woman you need to be in control all the time or you are handing them the right to abuse you. If sex is what you want and the playing field is in your favour then go for it.

We have so few advantages over them, we need to use the ones we have in our favour.

highlighta Tue 26-May-20 09:23:33

I have to say, the sex was pretty good. But this was the first relationship after a 20 year marriage (where it wasn't that good), so I will class it as the best yet. grin

I don't even look at it as me using him, as it would be mutual agreement. So in that sense, we would be as the term goes, benefiting each other. He is aware that I don't want to rekindle the relationship and he knows I feel strongly about it. The distance does help in this instance, as everything needs to be pre-planned so really there can be no spur of the moment drop in's after work etc.

I do have some time to think it over, but I too am wondering if the isolation and non contact with people generally is a factor in my thinking.

OP’s posts: |
Friendsofmine Tue 26-May-20 09:25:36

I think this would be unwise as he isn't suddenly now, when clearly lonely and single, over you. You will break the heart of a good friend.

Blahblahblahzz Tue 26-May-20 09:44:54


highlighta Tue 26-May-20 09:45:05

You will break the heart of a good friend

This is the thing, obviously I don't want to hurt him if his intention in the long run it to try to rekindle things.

OP’s posts: |
Friendsofmine Tue 26-May-20 09:53:04

His intention might be to try to suppress his feelings for you whilst also getting to have some time with you. It is setting himself up for heartache.

Think of it like this, if he were your son or daughter, what advice would you give about this situation?

Be a good friend and save him the pain.

wishfuldreamer Tue 26-May-20 10:37:08

My ex suggested this. I said no because I really didn't want a physical relationship with him anyway - but he was also clearly suggesting it because he just wanted something and it would have felt wrong.

Casual relationships need enthusiastic consent and the genuine willingness of everyone engaged to communicate their actual wants and needs. It doesn't mean that they don't sometimes turn into something more serious - I have something with a friend that started very casually and now is hovering somewhere between FWB and a relationship in a way that we're both comfortable with - but you have to communicate the whole time, and be honest both with each other but also yourselves. I don't think he's being honest with himself, from what you say.

To an extent, you're not responsible for him failing to do that, but careful.

Iwalkinmyclothing Tue 26-May-20 10:42:30

I would think that, even if he wasn't admitting it to himself, he wanted more. I would be afraid of hurting him and of getting myself involved in a really difficult situation. I have gone along with FWB before when really I wanted to be loved by the person; wasn't a great thing for either of us.

Raidblunner Tue 26-May-20 11:34:41

Personally I wouldn't as feelings may well crossover in to it. I had an ex who'd had an ongoing FWB arrangement with one of her exes. He'd come along and put some skirting down she'd give him a blowjob. He was still in love with her but she continued to use him to get her D.I.Y done. I guess after a 23 year marriage I was pretty naive to it.

Dery Tue 26-May-20 14:36:48

There are arguments both ways so I think you have to listen to your gut on this because that way whichever decision you make will be the one you can most easily justify to yourself when you look back on this moment.

That might sound like a slightly odd way of looking at it, but you have said you are concerned that he won't be able to maintain the FWB boundary despite what he is currently saying. You've known each other decades but when you tried having a relationship before you quickly found that it was too much for you; and it's only a handful of months since you did end it. You have been able to maintain a friendship even since then so it sounds like there is something there worth maintaining from a friendship perspective.

It sounds like your gut is telling you it would be a mistake but your mind is trying to talk you into accepting it on the basis it is a very attractive offer. And if that's right, then I think you would feel very uncomfortable if he suddenly declares himself when you're away together; in particular, you may feel you need to drop the friendship altogether. On the other hand, if - at gut level - you're cool with it and it's your mind raising issues, then in your shoes, I would be inclined to go for it.

Our instincts are incredibly useful - it's just that listening to them often involves facing uncomfortable truths so we often shy away from doing so.

RLEOM Tue 26-May-20 14:43:54

You're going to break his heart. Stop it, let go and move on.

Josuk Tue 26-May-20 14:46:19

Consenting adults. Mutual agreement. He knows you don’t want a relationship.
Why second guess it, at least in the short term.
Given the setup you can always cool it if it starts feeling different and if feelings get in the way.
But generally - I presume you are both grownups and not after some fantasies or fairy tales - so an arrangement like that can work. MN in general has a little bit more traditional approach to relationships - so most would feel its not a right setup.
But it only has to be eight for you.

BluebellForest836 Tue 26-May-20 14:48:39

Wouldn’t bother.

Millions of other dicks out in the world that can be sat on instead of playing around with the same one.

Friendsofmine Tue 26-May-20 16:13:02

I feel the need to add my view has nothing to do with Fwb arrangements per se, I just think this is the wrong guy because he needs you to look out for him on this one.

Happynow001 Tue 26-May-20 16:26:22

* He was getting too needy and I couldn't cope with it.*
How has this changed since you last broke up OP?

TheBlueStocking Tue 26-May-20 16:35:28

Yes, I would do this.

managinged Tue 26-May-20 16:51:36

It's not worth it; too much emotional baggage, potentially.

Why not start dreaming about some other post-lockdown treat: a fun weekend away with some friends or family members?

NoMoreDickheads Tue 26-May-20 16:55:32

Nooo. FWB tends to go badly one way or another in my experience and be hurtful. Even more risks of something turning bad somehow with an ex- he's an ex for a reason.

highlighta Wed 27-May-20 09:37:43

Thanks everyone, I am glad I posted here as if I was 100% sure I wouldn't have. So lots to think about.

He was getting too needy and I couldn't cope with it
How has this changed since you last broke up OP?

Happy, this has changed as I do not feel obliged to have to reply within a certain time, let him know what I am up to and that sort of thing, it was one of the reasons that I broke it off. This is one of the reasons I would never go into a relationship with him again.

Dery you make excellent points.

If it did happen it would not be for a while yet anyway, so I have time to think it over and process it. It was a fresh suggested the night before I posted, my gut feel at the time was "go for it, why not", but now I am not so sure.

We most definitely make better friends than being a couple so I am risking that I know.

OP’s posts: |
Friendsofmine Wed 27-May-20 17:15:38

Good luck. You could tell him what might go wrong and see what he says about it? If he jumps to vague statements or wants to move off the topic I'd suggest he is hoping you'll fall in love with him one day!

Hazelnutlatteplease Wed 27-May-20 17:31:35

Never with someone you cried at breaking up with. However much you think you're over him.

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