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Need to know if it's me being out of order?

(22 Posts)
Laurry Tue 26-May-20 08:29:38

Over the last few years there have been trust issues with dh surrounding drugs (I'm not just talking about a bit of weed) been together over 20 years but our relationship has taken a massive downturn over this.

Asked him to leave around a month ago, he went then regretted it and promised it would all stop so he came back on the agreement there would be no more drugs or lies and that I could check his phone if I was ever in doubt. Something wasnt quite right yesterday so got up this morning and took his phone (hate having to do this) he then came charging downstairs shouting about me stealing his phone? Pointed out that he had said before that this would be ok as he had nothing to hide. Was just hoping for a little insight into what other people would do? Is this a huge sign hes up to no good or have I been out of order. Actually feel like I'm losing my mind and have nobody in real life to speak to. Thanks ahead for any replies

OP’s posts: |
BelfryBat Tue 26-May-20 08:40:16

No, it sounds to me as though he’s got something to hide. What was his response when you reminded him what you’d agreed about his phone?

Epigram Tue 26-May-20 08:42:51

This does sound like a bad sign. What happened next? Did he remember your agreement and let you look at his phone?

LovingitlikeTHIS Tue 26-May-20 08:45:48

Did you ask him to look at the 'phone or did you just pick it up and take it downstairs to look at it? I'd be pissed off if my DP just took it.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe Tue 26-May-20 08:52:23

You can’t trust him as far as you could throw him. He needs to leave.

Laurry Tue 26-May-20 09:07:38

I did remind him, still seemed pissed off so I put that phone down and asked if the deal was off....he then never said much but came back a while later apologising (probably after clearing whatever was on there)

I know it was wrong of me to just take it but if I ask first he would delete whatever was on it before handing it over. Up until a few years ago we were always one of those couple who would use each others phoned without a second thought, looking back when that changed was probably when all the secrets and lies started.....hate living on edge bit he has been rushed to hospital a few times over the past year due to drug use which was terrifying and have made it clear if it continued we couldnt be together.

OP’s posts: |
FlowerArranger Tue 26-May-20 09:07:48

So these trust issues have been going on for a few years, and it is now so bad tgat you fear losing your mind?

What exactly is he adding to your life, other than misery? If you were to assemble a set of building blocks to build a life that can make you happy, would any of them have his name on it? Or, looking at it the other way, could you still build your one and only precious life without him?

Okrightbut Tue 26-May-20 10:26:24

Do you actually want to be in a relationship where you feel you need to check his phone? Yanbu to do this as he had previously agreed. But he's just going to get better at hiding stuff in future so what you need to do is think about if you can actually reestablish trust in the relationship. I'm not sure if you can do this really. But do you want to have to be checking his phone every time you feel off?

Laurry Tue 26-May-20 10:38:30

I absolutely hate checking it.....I'm not even sure if we can get the trust back, he says yes but doesn't exactly go out his way to make up for everything he has done

Doesn't help with the kids or around the house so really starting to think we might be better off apart for me to start putting myself first......I know how selfish that sounds but it has been hard work keeping everything from the kids and making excuses as to why he isnt joining in when we do things together

Thanks for all the replies, already feel a little better getting some things off my chest and having someone listen so thank you

OP’s posts: |
Zaphodsotherhead Tue 26-May-20 10:41:29

You have kids, he has drug issues.

Has anything happened for him to want to stop using drugs? Or was he paying lip service to stopping just to prevent you from leaving?

Because it doesn't sound as though anything has changed, he's just trying (rather pathetically) to cover his tracks better.

BaronessBomburst Tue 26-May-20 10:42:31

You're not being selfish thinking you'd be better off without him. You'd be putting the children first. How old are they? Do they know he was rushed to hospital and why? They'll soon start seeing through all the excuses.

Laurry Tue 26-May-20 10:50:15

They are 16 and 12, luckily when he was rushed into hospital it was the middle of the night so was easier to keep from them

I had thought he was past the worst which is why he is back here but it is so hard to tell if I am being paranoid or if he is lying again, just been a few things not adding up and will get on my knees and apologise if he proves me wrong, if he can't he has to go

OP’s posts: |
Rainbowqueeen Tue 26-May-20 10:54:22

I’d be considering separating in your shoes. It doesn’t need to be permanent but I think he needs to show he is committed to your marriage and family life and that he wants to earn your trust back
Have you tried counselling?? Separately as well as together

Sally872 Tue 26-May-20 11:39:55

He has to earn back the trust and it doesn't sound like he is willing to (probably because he is hiding something) which means you can't get it back. Do what is best for you and the children.

MrsOfBebbanburg Tue 26-May-20 11:44:05

I think you need to face it- the relationship is dead. You won’t ever be able to trust him and it sounds like you have good reason. Stop torturing yourself. Get him out.

LittleWing80 Tue 26-May-20 12:00:37

In my experience (only my experience though) but when you kick your partner out after years and kids together, they would go to extraordinary lengths to get back in. Lies, promises, tears, come to Jesus realisation that they have done wrong and need to and will change. Once back in, it’s only a matter of weeks before they settle back and forget all that emotional enlightenment.
I don’t have experience with drugs but I would say, it’s probably harder to kick than other habits.
You have to protect yourself and the children. I would ask him to leave and only (possibly if you really want?) let him back once he has demonstrated for a long period of time that he has stopped. So basically, if you are going to have him back, do it on proven actions. Promises are cheap.
Good luck 💐

evieray Tue 26-May-20 12:09:06

you should be more sympathetic to yourself.
There are definitely some issues in your relationships that are hard to cope with.
Protect yourself at all costs, and if he doesn't appreciate you and treat you (and himself) that way.... you should get over it.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 26-May-20 15:05:39

It is NOT selfish to put yourself and your DC first.
You know something is off.
His reaction to you taking his phone just goes to show he has something to hide.
I really don't see the point of him at all?
He brings nothing positive to your life or your DC by the sound of it.
What has he done to get off of drugs?
Has he joined groups or had counselling?
If not then it's all lip service and he is still using.
It's like any addiction. He will need a lot of help from professionals to get off of them.

ilikepurple Tue 26-May-20 15:08:41

YANBU I'd ask him to leave.

Laurry Tue 26-May-20 17:18:28

He has no interest in doing couples counselling, he was seeing someone before lockdown and had been over the phone since then.......I just feel tired of constantly taking care of everyone else, hate the added pressure of making out to the kids, family and friends that I'm happy and that everything is fine. He has threatened suicide in the past which makes it even harder to decide what to do

Thanks for the honest opinions, wish I had posted here a long time ago

OP’s posts: |
CodenameVillanelle Tue 26-May-20 17:20:08

You are flogging the dearest of dead horses now. Come on.

FlowerArranger Tue 26-May-20 17:38:59

Don't buy into the threats of suicide. That's the basest of manipulations. Focus on what's best for YOU and your children. He is not adding anything to your life. He makes you miserable...

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