I have NC’d for this.
I looked on DH’s tablet, yes I was officially snooping and I’m prepared to be dragged over hot coals for this. I don’t know what I expected to find really just curiosity got the better of me. I have looked before several months ago and then there was a PIN number which I guessed as it’s one we have used before. This time the pin has been removed, DH does get fed up with passwords etc so that is probably why. Previously when looking on safari the screen came up normally, this time it came up as private browsing. I have recently found out from mumsnet about a way to look up website data. When I looked at this lot’s of expected sites came up of stuff he likes to research about shares, etc. But there were about 6 different porn sites. 2 I had heard of the rest I hadn’t so googled them to see what it said.
I don’t know much about porn, I’m not being judgemental it’s just not my thing.
I just don’t know what to think. Since I’ve seen this it has played on my mind. To give some background DH and I have been together a long time, two decades. Our marriage has been more like friends for many many years. We generally get on quite well but do have flare up arguments sometimes, usually about the same things. Our sex life has never been a rip each other’s clothes off type of connection. DH has erectile difficulties,
he can get erections but can’t sustain them during sex. He says he’s always had this issue but I’m still left feelIng it’s me because I have no other experiences of being sexual with anyone else.
DH has always preferred masturbating in my view, he can usually always finish when doing so.
Our sex life wore off mainly because I found it frustrating to never know the feeling of him climaxing, it all got a bit too much and I just told myself I could do without it. (I never told him this and I’ve never made him feel bad about his difficulties either). He didn’t seem that bothered either that we no longer had sex and never mentions it.
I think seeing the list of porn sites makes me feel inadequate really. He is obviously getting what he needs from there and sees me as a companion. I don’t know if he would cheat, I don’t think so. He has been cheated on in other relationships and has always been vehemently against it. It may sound weird but if he was I would find it easier to leave.
Anyway I don’t really know what I’m asking if I’m asking anything. I am now late 30’s and maybe feel like I’m reaching some kind of peak because in the last year I have felt I would like a sex life just not with him. He is attractive but I think it’s the past history which puts me off. I don’t feel we have anything to work on. I love him but it’s more like loving a family member.
I’m not happy in the marriage any more and if I had the resources I would leave. But I also feel scared to, I have only ever lived with my parents and then with him. Would it be right to leave a marriage which isn’t that bad. He’s not abusive, I’m just unhappy. Is happiness overrated?!
We don’t have any children, it just hasn’t happened for us. That in itself is a deep sadness for me, he isn’t really bothered.
I just don’t know any more what to think or what to do.
Sorry for rambling, it actually feels better just writing this down.
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Relationships
I don’t know what to think
Whatsgoingonlately · 25/05/2020 07:22
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