I don’t know what to think

[Whatsgoingonlately]

I have NC’d for this.
I looked on DH’s tablet, yes I was officially snooping and I’m prepared to be dragged over hot coals for this. I don’t know what I expected to find really just curiosity got the better of me. I have looked before several months ago and then there was a PIN number which I guessed as it’s one we have used before. This time the pin has been removed, DH does get fed up with passwords etc so that is probably why. Previously when looking on safari the screen came up normally, this time it came up as private browsing. I have recently found out from mumsnet about a way to look up website data. When I looked at this lot’s of expected sites came up of stuff he likes to research about shares, etc. But there were about 6 different porn sites. 2 I had heard of the rest I hadn’t so googled them to see what it said.
I don’t know much about porn, I’m not being judgemental it’s just not my thing.

I just don’t know what to think. Since I’ve seen this it has played on my mind. To give some background DH and I have been together a long time, two decades. Our marriage has been more like friends for many many years. We generally get on quite well but do have flare up arguments sometimes, usually about the same things. Our sex life has never been a rip each other’s clothes off type of connection. DH has erectile difficulties,
he can get erections but can’t sustain them during sex. He says he’s always had this issue but I’m still left feelIng it’s me because I have no other experiences of being sexual with anyone else.
DH has always preferred masturbating in my view, he can usually always finish when doing so.
Our sex life wore off mainly because I found it frustrating to never know the feeling of him climaxing, it all got a bit too much and I just told myself I could do without it. (I never told him this and I’ve never made him feel bad about his difficulties either). He didn’t seem that bothered either that we no longer had sex and never mentions it.

I think seeing the list of porn sites makes me feel inadequate really. He is obviously getting what he needs from there and sees me as a companion. I don’t know if he would cheat, I don’t think so. He has been cheated on in other relationships and has always been vehemently against it. It may sound weird but if he was I would find it easier to leave.

Anyway I don’t really know what I’m asking if I’m asking anything. I am now late 30’s and maybe feel like I’m reaching some kind of peak because in the last year I have felt I would like a sex life just not with him. He is attractive but I think it’s the past history which puts me off. I don’t feel we have anything to work on. I love him but it’s more like loving a family member.
I’m not happy in the marriage any more and if I had the resources I would leave. But I also feel scared to, I have only ever lived with my parents and then with him. Would it be right to leave a marriage which isn’t that bad. He’s not abusive, I’m just unhappy. Is happiness overrated?!
We don’t have any children, it just hasn’t happened for us. That in itself is a deep sadness for me, he isn’t really bothered.
I just don’t know any more what to think or what to do.
Sorry for rambling, it actually feels better just writing this down.

[ravenmum]

What do you mean "right"? Socially acceptable? Fair on him?

You never mention it, he never mentions it. Maybe you are both unhappy.

[Squeakyjoint]

Well if I read correctly, this is how I would see it.

1. Porn sites? No real lines have been crossed. No affair or contact with other women etc
   

1. Your sex life? This needs to be addressed and really should have been years ago. I’m sure many poeple would agree, it’s not always ‘rip your clothes off’ but should be sometimes.
   
2. Children as unfortunate as it is for you, hasn’t happened? Have you actually spoken about this properly, had treatment etc? Your assumption that he is ‘ok with it’ maybe incorrect?
   
3. There will be lots of people that will say ltb. I’d suggest you let him know all this as it seems both of you are not commuting properly. You never know, he either may be thing the same or you will sort it out. With no children, it’s only the pair of you.

[Whatsgoingonlately]

The thing is he seems happy, just the same as he always has been, focused on his hobbies which he loves.

Re: Children - Yes it has been fully discussed. We have had one round of IVF which resulted in a miscarriage sadly. He only really went along with it for my sake. He has always been of the mind if it happens it happens.

I have in a round about way told him how I feel about his hobbies driving a wedge through our marriage. That has been one of the main reasons I have felt like I’m just not important enough to him. But I haven’t actually said to him I’m not happy in those words. I don’t know, I just think it would upset him and is it fair when he seems perfectly happy? I think it would then lead onto me saying I think we need to separate. I just don’t know that’s the trouble. I just keep thinking it’s all gone on too long and it can’t be fixed, I either, put up shut up or leave I suppose.

[ravenmum]

If one person is happy and the other not, then it's unfair on one person whether you stay together or break up.

Are you acting differently? Is there some way for him to tell thatyou are unhappy? Sounds like he is trying to cheer himself up by flinging himself into his hobbies and wanking himself into oblivion.

[FaceOfASpink]

So he's never sought treatment for his ED? Even though he knows it's causing a problem with sex for you? Do you think his ED is caused by porn use? Grip of death kind of thing?

[TwilightPeace]

I don’t feel we have anything to work on. I love him but it’s more like loving a family member.
I’m not happy in the marriage any more and if I had the resources I would leave.

Yes, you should leave. It’s more like a housemates relationship really? No love, intimacy, communication, happiness.

Is there absolutely anything he could do or say that would make you want to stay? Do you think things will ever get better? Can you picture yourself living like this for the rest of your life? If not, then you are done. And that’s fine. Marriages and relationships end all the time. It’s not the end of the world.

You aren’t responsible for his happiness, only your own. Don’t stay just to stop him being upset. You have to live your own fulfilling life.

[ravenmum]

How would he know OP is not happy with sex if she has never mentioned it?
He probably also thinks she just sees him as a companion. And maybe thinks she isn't that sexual a person.

[Whatsgoingonlately]

Ravenmum Yes I see your point.
I don’t think he would notice unless my behaviour changed a lot. He isn’t cheering himself up, he is the same as always, he has always got addicted to hobbies whether it’s exercise, gaming or now financial stuff. As for wanking himself into oblivion, that did make me chuckle, that’s nothing new, he’s always done it.

Faceofaspink - No he hasn’t sought treatment I suppose because he can get an erection in his mind there is nothing that badly wrong. You could be right Re: Deathgrip, he says he’s had this issue in all past relationships but maybe because of excessive porn use / wanking. I just don’t know.

[ravenmum]

I would bet good money on both of you being happier with new
partners.

You don't have to criticise him or make him feel bad about himself to leave.

My exh was a right shit when he wanted a new partner - had an affair and justified it by criticising every aspect of me and our 20 years together. A few years down the line, I'm a lot happier than him. Your dh might well be hurt, especially if you play the blame game, but he might also thank you for it later.

[category12]

It's probably upsetting to see because it brings to the fore that he does have a sex drive, but not with you.

If you need permission to leave, have mine. You don't have to stay. You could give yourself a chance to meet someone else.

Life is both too long and too short to live unhappy.

[Whatsgoingonlately]

You have all made some really useful points thank you. I have a lot to think about.
Over many years I actually didn’t miss a sex life, it’s only in the past year I’ve felt how nice it would be to have a real connection with someone and experience a full sex life like I’ve never had before.
But that’s only half of it, he’s content generally and I’m not for so many reasons.
I’m scared to leave both financially and emotionally that’s what keeps me here. Plus I worry about hurting him but I would hope over time he would be okay and even meet someone else, that would be what I wish for him.

[Whatsgoingonlately]

Ravenmum I wouldn’t play the blame game that’s just not me but I know he would go on and on at me as to why I wanted to leave. I would then have to detail why I’m unhappy, I would never say about the ED but I fear it may then end up being like a blame game to him however I worded things. He very much takes one thing away from any conversation fixating on something often the wrong thing.

Category12 Yes you are right it is upsetting, he obviously gets enjoyment from other people he doesn’t know which does hurt even though I’ve lost interest in him that way. Thank you for the permission, yes again you are right I just feel I don’t have good enough reasons to leave but I need to work on this. In reality any reason for being unhappy is a good enough reason.

[Parsley1234]

You’re so young ! Find a way to leave you’re living a half life I wish you strength and happiness

[Whatsgoingonlately]

Parsley1234 Thank you! I don’t feel it, but with luck I might have another 40 years, I can’t see myself living like this for that long.

[ravenmum]

I know he would go on and on at me as to why I wanted to leave. I would then have to detail why I’m unhappy
Well, you don't have to ... but are you afraid that if you don't have any "excuses", he might wrongly accuse you of having an affair or something? If that is the case, then I'd suggest that you sit down and work out your argument in advance.
Make it about what you want, rather than what he does or doesn't do.
"I want someone I can spend my free time with" rather than "You never spend any free time with me", for instance.

What do you want?

[Whatsgoingonlately]

I have thought about what I would say and yes you are right he would assume I have met someone else as otherwise why would I want to leave in his mind.
I think what I want is to leave, but I have to find the strength first and prepare myself.

[Whatsgoingonlately]

Believe me I have thought long and hard about leaving. Last year I was looking at getting a storage locker and gradually moving my stuff there. Also making enquiries about places I could live in as a carer until I could sort myself out financially. But I lost my bottle.

[Ullupullu]

You don't even have kids together? So why stay?

[Whatsgoingonlately]

Ullupullu - Exactly. But 20 years with someone, the only relationship I’ve ever had is a big deal to me.

[ravenmum]

Hm, yes, people do like to have a "good" explanation!
Is he likely to make your life difficult if you want to go?
Are you living in his property, is that part of the issue with resources?

[rowrowrowyaboat]

Unhappiness is a good enough reason to end a marriage. You are living as housemates/sister/brother, life is too short and you are too young to settle for this. End it and move on, for both of your sakes

[Ullupullu]

OK OP look up the "sunken costs fallacy". Just because you have spent 20 good years together doesn't mean you need to now spend 20 bad years together. Take a deep breath and quit it if you want to.

[category12]

They're married, any property/assets are joint.

Op, yes, 20 years is a long time to put in, but really, do you want to put in 40 more? It's a case of sunk costs, and those years are gone forever. You have to decide what you're going to do with the next twenty.

[Whatsgoingonlately]

Yeah that’s how I feel re: the good explanation. He isn’t abusive but if I detailed exactly how he can behave there would be people saying LTB immediately, etc.
Put it this way, I feel I would have to get everything organised first and move out all my essential stuff, have a place ready to go to, etc before telling him how I feel.
This is a bone of contention too, the house is in his name and I don’t earn as much as him. I’ve always felt like a fuck up financially. I don’t feel I’m entitled to half of anything, I couldn’t live with doing that to him. I know legally I would be entitled to half but morally I feel it would be wrong because I haven’t contributed to half of everything. So I think I would suggest enough money for a deposit on a place of my own in full and final settlement. I would do this through a solicitor.

[Whatsgoingonlately]

You are all right and talking so much sense. I’m just finding it very hard to make the leap emotionally.