I’m thinking my marriage might be over

[needhandhold]

I think I’ve got to the point where I’ve had enough. We’ve been married a long time and have small kids. Our issues started after our eldest was born and his anger issues started to surface. To be fair he’s done a lot of work and tried really hard but it’s all just put me off. I just don’t trust if he’s going to be vicious (verbally) at anytime. I went out for a walk with my eldest today and while walking we were talking about food. He came out with a story about my husband. My kid doesn’t eat pizza. He’s never liked it. It’s the melted cheese. It makes him feel poorly. He doesn’t eat anything at all with melted cheese and we all know this as it’s a “thing” we all comment on with humour. What kid doesn’t like pizza etc Well, we were talking about this and having a bit of a laugh about food stuff and he suddenly said “you were out one day and dad made me eat pizza. I said to him I don’t like it. The cheese makes me not feel well but he said I had to eat it. Then I got poorly and he shouted at me because he said I’d made myself ill deliberately” this incident happened over Christmas so many months ago. I just stopped and hugged him and told him he never has to eat pizza. Ever. If anybody tries to get him to eat something that makes him poorly he just says no and tells me immediately and I’ll sort it out. I also told him it’s not ok that dad shouted at him for that.
Now I just feel awful. I feel devastated that I should have been there to stand up for him. I feel like I can’t leave my kids alone with their dad because I can’t trust what he’s going to say or do. I don’t know if I’m overreacting and we all make parenting mistakes but WTF? Making him eat pizza? It’s not even like making him eat vegetables which are at least healthy and I can kind of understand! Plus he’s got form for wanting his own way and shouting to get it. Like I say, he has been trying hard but this has just put me off. I’ve avoided him today because I’m going to end up saying something, we’re stuck in lockdown and I’m stuck here.
I’d like to know what other people would do in my position. If this is enough reason to end a long marriage or does everybody shout at their kids and I’m just unreasonable to want my kids being 100% respected and talked nicely to when they’re in their own homes?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You are in an abusive relationship and have been for many years. They act as your H has done and continues to do. He does this because he can.

He also does not have anger issues, well not in the ways you think anyway. He has problems with anger, your anger, when you rightfully call him out on his behaviours. You state he has been trying hard. He has not tried at all, you just think that he has done. Denial is also a powerful force.

Does this man act similarly to those in the outside world; I doubt that very much. He like many abusers is likely to be quite plausible to those in the outside world. It is for you people that his abuse is directed.

He has abused you and in turn he is now abusing your children. There is no going back from what he has done here, not just to you but to your eldest child too. Your H forcing his child to eat a cheese pizza when he is intolerant to cheese (and this should not be commented on with humour about either), becoming ill as a result and then your H blaming him for becoming ill is no less than child cruelty. It took a lot of guts for your son to tell you this now months later (that also shows me how frightened he is of him) and now you have to act decisively going forward. He is relying on you as his other parent to show good judgment and protect him from his dad. There should be no more pussy footing around your H and living in fear/walking on eggshells; to do that you need to divorce your husband and asap. He won't make the process of you divorcing him at all easy, he will continue to be as obstructive and difficult as possible to you after separation as well but separate you must.

Please seek the support here of Womens Aid and legal advice from a Solicitor (I would look at both occupation and non molestation orders) to get this man out of your day to day lives.

[needhandhold]

How can I do any of that during lockdown though? It all feels a bit hopeless right now. What are other people doing who want to split during lockdown?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Leaving during lockdown is actively encouraged, you can leave because of abuse and your son has also been subjected to his father's cruelty too. It all feels hopeless at the moment but no obstacle to leaving is actually insurmountable.

Do not keep his abuses of you a secret, abuse like this too thrives on secrecy. There is still help out there for you now even in these strange days, you have to be brave and take that first, often the most hardest of steps, out of this yourself. Make those calls. He alone is responsible for the abuse he has meted out, no-one else is to blame for that.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Look at the MN thread on these pages entitled "For those on lockdown with an abuser". Covid 19 has made your H even more volatile.