I have very strong feelings that I want to leave my marriage of 19 years - 3 kids ages between 12&17- but wonder am I insane to want to do so.
I know no one can answer this but me (really) but interested in others’ views. Particularly interested anyone else who has left a “good enough” marriage and regretted it.
Background - our getting together in early 20s was always like a friendship really. There are lots of reasons why I accepted this at the time - but essentially no real passion or sexual attraction (although I did find him attractive). I’m going to split into pros and cons and try and be honest about both.
Pros -
-Kind good-hearted man
- Works hard, financially astute and not controlling with money
- on same page parenting wise most of the time
- we laugh together a fair bit and enjoy similar music, tv & film
- keeps himself fit
- would be highly highly unlikely to ever cheat
- good Dad
CONS
- any sex in relationship has always been initiated by me and up until quite recently we hadn’t had sex for 6 years (no health reasons why)
- any attempts to “solve” or get help on this he agrees to then does nothing (head in sand)
- my unhappiness around lack of physical & emotional intimacy he decides is me being depressed (I’m in therapy now and told I’m
Unhappy not depressed).
- refuses to do any personal development work on himself or enter relationship / sex therapy with me
- has become very right wing & dogmatic / rigid on views on certain things like Brexit and Covid and bangs on endlessly about these to other people / me and talks over other people / me. My eldest has noticed this. It’s very unattractive and depressing
- can drink quite a lot but not problematically per se-, but it increases the single track conversation. I don’t enjoy nights out with him due to it
- very resistant to change / travelling to new places (which I like)
- very much wants me to get involved in HIS hobbies but not open to trying thins I enjoy (we have very different interests)
- now very resentful of the joint decision we made when pregnant with first child for me to give up work and suggests it was an easy ride for me (despite fact I worked PT / studied for all this time ) had no help from him mon-fri, no family at all, and weekends he always played golf and gone for at least 5/6hrs
- I now bitterly regret giving up my well paid career outside the home as have no real financial independence tho don’t regret being able to be at home a lot for kids one of whom has additional needs
Really it’s the lack of sex and emotional intimacy that’s the killer for me. In fairness he knows things are in the balance and has made an effort in the bedroom. BUT we spent so long living like brother and sister that it’s just hugely ick for me and I have never found what little sex we had in any way satisfying. I feel it might all just be too late as we didn’t even start with sexual passion. He is trying though and doesn’t want the marriage to end.
I feel like my options are:
End the marriage and all the heartbreak that entails for our kids particularly and hope to find passion, sexual fulfilment and a partnership more based on more open view of life & it’s possibilities - but I should be prepared to be on my own and risk regretting it
OR stay - and accept that a marriage based on friendship & co-parenting is enough. Risk regretting a life not fully lived? My mum stayed in a marriage where her needs were unmet and she died aged 58 of cancer. I always wished she’d left and enjoyed more of life. But my Dad was much “worse” than my DH. So much more clear cut.
Thoughts welcome