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Either do everything yourself or accept shit standards.

(48 Posts)
Dooglebam Sat 23-May-20 16:17:47

Anyone else in this boat?
I'm exhausted.
Both DH and I WFH but I'M doing all the planning, organising, most of the meal planning, cooking, homeschooling. This is what I'm up against:
-He cooks a meal but forgets to add vegetables and we're served piles of carbohydrates.
- So I cook, he washes up and he leaves the sink full of scum, sides not wiped down, cooker top covered in food.
-Homeschooling- he does it,but sits on hos phone teaching DCs nothing, I look at their work afterwards and it's wrong, he seemingly doesn't care.
- We head out for a walk, he wanders around miles infront guessing house prices and comparing garden sizes whilst I deal with the DCs who are squabbling/asking questions/want to talk about how they're finding things.
- Jobs around the house are unfinished and there are piles of rubbish in the garden that pose as a hazard. I have to write him lists and send him reminders to complete jobs and clear up after himself. He cuts the hedges and leaves the cut offs strewn across the lawn and pavement.

I have talked to him about his shit standards over and over and over again. I have cried, shouted, made myself ill.

So... do I do everything or accept his shit standards?

It's a tough call!!! 👎

Feelingpoorlysick Sat 23-May-20 16:19:36

I wouldn't accept it at all. I couldn't be with someone like that.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 23-May-20 16:23:53

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He acts like this also because this works for him. He does a task that badly in order for him not to ever have to do that again and for you to do it. It’s called deliberate incompetence and he also does that because he thinks he regards all the housework and associated chores as your job.

Would you want your children as adults to be in a relationship like yours?

justamumof1 Sat 23-May-20 16:34:08

Reminds me of when DP was cleaning the bathroom and he put bleach on the toilet seat and left it stained. The idiot obviously did it on purpose. He said hes never going to clean again because hes useless at it. Wanker

FATEdestiny Sat 23-May-20 16:49:54

Have you discussed this with your DH?

Is there a compromise?

I don't think this is a LTB situation. It's a lack of good quality explaining and listening... on both side

Should he live his life exactly as dictated by your standards? No, he shouldn't. Should you live life by his standards? No, you shouldn't. Instead you talk to each other, you listen to each other, you give and take and reach a compromise.

The key direction for discussion would be bases around why. I wouldn't just tell my DH to do things my way (arrogant!), but I would want him to justify why he did things his way. Then discuss the why and possibly resolve the issue around why he doesn't.

For example: why does he sit on his phone teaching DCs nothing when homeschooling? Maybe he feels DC teacher is in a better place to teach / correct. Maybe he sees value in the teacher knowing DC don't know the answers independently. Maybe he feels getting answers wrong as not a problem. Maybe he's encouraging independent learning rather than the helicopter parent version of learning. Maybe he just didn't realise he should be correcting DC. Maybe he doesn't know the answers himself.

There's loads of answers to "why".

Dooglebam Sat 23-May-20 16:56:55

Urgh... just reading your methods of dealing with this exhausts me @FATEdestiny.

His reason is.
He is lazy.

He's had everything done for him all his life and thought that as soon as we were married, Id step in and do it all.

Was he like this when we met. NO!

He is probably deliberately incompetent.

Stuck with him for the foreseeable future BUT lockdown has taught me that no, this relationship is definitely not for me.

However, I am still stuck with it.

HugeAckmansWife Sat 23-May-20 17:01:08

Why? Apart from lockdown, which actually you can break in these circumstances, why can't you leave, or at least set the wheels in motion?

Mrskeats Sat 23-May-20 17:07:38

This would do my head in.
Can't stand lazy people.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings Sat 23-May-20 17:15:55

Theres a third option OP, and you know what it is. Once lockdown is lifted I suggest you treat yourself to a solicitor and start cutting loose the dead weight. Realistically he probably won't have much to do with your DC once he's gone - hopefully he'll be a passable EOW dad, but I doubt you'll get much more from him than that. So short term your work load may increase, but long term that still sounds better than a life tethered to someone who just drags you down.

Vretz Sat 23-May-20 17:27:42

Would you prefer he didn't do any of the above? He has flaws, but so do you. I think @FATEdestiny hit the nail on the head.

WinterAndRoughWeather Sat 23-May-20 17:31:23

Sounds like a bloody nightmare. I wouldn’t put up with this for five minutes.

Summerhillsquare Sat 23-May-20 17:38:12

Learned helplessness at best. More likely strategic incompetence.

Corruptedtongue Sat 23-May-20 18:21:55

I’ve been in the same boat, but am now not working. I’ve argued with DP for years, but to no avail. As un-feminist as it sound, I’ve decided he works/I do all childcare, organisation, housework. I will not go back to work unless he contributes round the house more. What I do IS a job, and I think it should be valued as much as earning a wage - in fact it’s MORE important.

Corruptedtongue Sat 23-May-20 18:22:41

We are getting on better this way.

Nanny0gg Sat 23-May-20 18:28:10

OP - start planning your exit strategy now, you'll feel better.

What would his reaction be if you told him this was a dealbreaker?

RandomMess Sat 23-May-20 18:31:15

Get him to take the DC out without you for a start so at least you get a break...

Corruptedtongue Sat 23-May-20 18:35:49

Exiting a relationship is a huge upheaval. I think you should put your children first in making such a decision - and what is in their best interests. I would stop any expectations, but change my lifestyle in terms of what works best for me and my children. Employ support or leave job.

Corruptedtongue Sat 23-May-20 18:37:16

who is the main wage earner?

Babdoc Sat 23-May-20 18:37:18

He is a selfish, lazy arse. He is contributing nothing to the household, setting a terrible example of shit parenting and shit relationships to your DC, and causing you unhappiness and extra work.
I suggest you deliver an ultimatum- he either shapes up or fucks off. And mean it.

Deathraystare Sat 23-May-20 18:56:37

Can you wash his clothes badly, cook a shit meal???

SandyY2K Sat 23-May-20 19:15:20

We don't you go walking on your own with the kids? As he's clearly not interested in it being a family activity, bu being so ahead of you and leaving you to deal with the DC.

When he says he's lazy, let him know you find it an unattractive quality and it affects how you feel about him.

category12 Sat 23-May-20 19:15:36

IME it's better to be on your own and know everything falls to you, than be with a lazy entitled sexist asshat that could do his share but doesn't. The resentment is exhausting.

Plus there's less work because you're not picking up after him.

BustlingThrough Sat 23-May-20 19:19:35

He seems to have got too comfortable, he needs a good reality check asap!
May I ask OP, what did he say when you tried talking to him?

IJumpedAboardAPirateShip Sat 23-May-20 19:47:44

I’m married to the same man as you OP and agree it’s laziness and unthinkingness. I’m also at the point of realising he doesn’t really think of me or my needs as a priority, he talks the talk but doesn’t walk the walk, like telling me I’m beautiful and wanting to have frequent sex is a replacement for doing shit around the house or planning something for us just to do together. We also have that issue on a walk where he’ll go ahead and not wait for us and will do this on group homes too. I’m exhausted trying to manage him so I feel your pain

Raidblunner Sat 23-May-20 20:26:45

It's the same old immature attitude that teenagers have. 'If I do it badly they won't ask me again' tell the slob to shape up or ship out! My girlfriends sons 25 and still leaves shit stains down the bog pan, sane thing...mother will sort it out...if he wasn't 6'6 and 20 stone I shove his head down there!

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