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Would you break up over a known issue

(59 Posts)
Judiwench Sat 23-May-20 12:10:21

I've been in a relationship for a matter of months and there was an issue for him that would be resolved imminently when we started going out. Its outing so dont want to say what it is. Instead of the issue resolving, it has grown arms and legs and got far worse.

I want out of the relationship because I now feel trapped and have had time over lockdown to realise that it's not worth the stress. The issue is on the cusp of being resolved- but that's been said since the beginning of the relationship.

Its causing massive issues and he is in a bad place, is it awful of me to decide enough is enough?

MummyGoingItAlone Sat 23-May-20 12:16:52

Impossible to comment hour more details

beachbreeze Sat 23-May-20 12:18:17

I would break up any time I just didn't want to be in the relationship. Kind of hard to judge without any information though

SandrasAnnoyingFriend Sat 23-May-20 12:18:57

You can end a relationship for any reason you like. If you're not happy and it's not likely to change imminently then end it.

category12 Sat 23-May-20 12:19:02

You don't owe him a relationship. You don't have to stick it out.

A constant state of "jam tomorrow" is not really how a relationship should be.

If you're not happy, what's the point?

Judiwench Sat 23-May-20 12:19:46

To be honest, reading it back I can see that whether I was aware of it or not, if I cant handle it I dont have to stay with him. It's divorce related, but its ended up not being clear cut.

bumbleb33s Sat 23-May-20 12:21:14

No. I’ve just split up with my partner of 4 years, as one year in I found out he was still in touch with his ex, they have no ties so there was no need for them to stay in touch and for the next 3 years I’ve found messages and told him how much it upsets me by him doing this and he’s not stopped. Messages were platonic and he says they’re just friends and I believed that and if he was upfront about it and told me when the messages were occurring and I saw them I wouldn’t have had an issue, it’s the deceit and the lying when he said he wasn’t when I knew he was, that doesn’t sit right with me.

I’m absolutely devastated, everything else was brilliant, but I just couldn’t carry on waking up every day thinking they have talked, messaged etc, so I had to walk away 😔

Judiwench Sat 23-May-20 12:21:36

You're right, of course. I just somehow feel I should stay because I should have foreseen it would drag on.

Chatons Sat 23-May-20 12:22:19

If you want to end it, end it. It doesn’t matter if he accepts your reasons or not.

Judiwench Sat 23-May-20 12:22:27

bumbleb33s I'm sorry to hear that 😔

category12 Sat 23-May-20 12:25:42

It's OK to change your mind, you don't have to stick it out even if you said you would. You're allowed to rethink and decide it's not for you.

tenlittlecygnets Sat 23-May-20 12:31:39

No. You can break up for whatever reason you want to. You don't have to explain to him.

Judiwench Sat 23-May-20 13:49:18

I can see what I need to do for me, but it's really hard.

HollowTalk Sat 23-May-20 13:55:23

Obviously you have the right to get out whenever you want to.

On a practical level, are you actually living together now? If not, then it's easy. If you are, is that just on a temporary basis? Do you have somewhere else to go to, or can you ask him to leave?

What about finances? It's early days - do you have any shared finances?

Judiwench Sat 23-May-20 14:03:31

No, we are not. We didnt lock down together at my insistence because I felt 3 months in was too soon to even think about living together.

No shared finances, I've had my reservations on that level from the beginning. We have a holiday booked, but I'd take the hit on that as we wont be going now either way.

Friendsofmine Sat 23-May-20 14:04:13

It is almost never easy to end a relationship but you can change your mind when you see how messy something is a few months in!

Funnynamechange Sat 23-May-20 14:05:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Judiwench Sat 23-May-20 14:05:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Judiwench Sat 23-May-20 14:07:00

But yes, that's what I've realised. Once you realise the scale of an issue, I guess it's ok to walk away.

HollowTalk Sat 23-May-20 15:29:08

Now is a good time to split up if you each have a different place to live. Better now than in a few years' time.

Ninkanink Sat 23-May-20 15:46:04

You can end a relationship for any reason whatsoever. If you no longer want to be with that person, that in itself is reason enough.

A matter of months in you should feel absolutely no obligation to stay.

CodenameVillanelle Sat 23-May-20 15:47:31

6 months in is still getting to know you stage. You can end it for no reason whatsoever other than you want to.

billy1966 Sat 23-May-20 15:48:07

OP, protect yourself in a relationship.

Don't stay in one out of obligation to someone.

Your obligation is to yourself.

Great time to end it.

Good luck.

Judiwench Sat 23-May-20 15:50:56

Thank you all, this is what I need to hear. I feel bad doing this when we havent seen each other for so long, but I just cant keep going for his sake.

Dery Sat 23-May-20 18:44:09

@Judiwench - absolutely you can walk away. I’m really struck by the fact that you seem to think you owe him a relationship, particularly since you’ve only been together a matter of months. What do you think is causing you to feel such a sense of obligation? You might want to look at that before you become involved with anyone else.

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