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would anyone stay with this man? (sorry - long rambling rant)

(17 Posts)
princesshobnob Thu 20-Sep-07 11:46:34

I've been with my dp for less than 3 years, we have 1 dc, and another on the way.

He's had a problem with drugs for years, though I didn't realise the extent of it when I became involved with him. It's mainly cocaine, though he's taken speed in the past when short of cash.

He does everything he can to hide it from me as he knows how I feel about it, and will, like most drug takers, lie extensively. He says he's trying to change, and it's certainly been better the last 6 weeks, but he's admitted to 1 slip up, and I'm sure there's been more. He's spent so much money on it - I guess at least £500 a month, and probably more, and we certainly cannot afford that.

Although he says he's given up (other than a slip up), he won't seek professional support and he hangs out with the same friends as always, who also take drugs. I told him I could cope better with a mistake if at least I felt he was doing all in his power to change, but otherwise I find it hard to believe he's committed to being drug free.

He wants us to buy a house together!!! But cannot understand why I just think we'll end up in horrendous financial problems - quite aside from the fact that I feel drugs simply aren't compatible with family life. I think he acts like he's still single with no responsibilities.

He sleeps as late as he can all the time, his contribution to housework is washing up about once a month (cannot even pick up his dirty clothes, or dishes from where he's left them), doesn't get dc up / put to bed / cook / feed her / changes a nappy once in a blue moon, but expects me to award him a medal if takes her to the park for an hour for the first time in living memory. He has been making a bit more of an effort over the last few days, but just can't see the point of such an unsupportive partner.

We never have sex except when he's taken something or been out drinking, as far as I can tell, though he denises this is the case.

Plus my mum died this year - he even went out and did drugs the night of her funeral.

I don't trust him, and find it hard to believe he'll ever change without more help.

He has his great moments, but I just don't think anything can outweigh the bad. He tells me he's not that bad.... Am I crazy, or is he?

I had just about decided to leave when found out pg again. Now just not sure how will cope financially etc.

expatinscotland Thu 20-Sep-07 11:49:09

No, I would not stay with such a man.

Problems with drugs and not getting professional help for this or changing habits to help him stop.

His problems could land you in a LOT of trouble.

Do you want the police and social services involved in your life when he gets caught out using?

If the answer is no, then LEAVE.


Meeely2 Thu 20-Sep-07 11:56:57

ditto expat

ScoobyDooooo Thu 20-Sep-07 11:57:24

I feel very sorry for you because i was in you position about 8 weeks ago.

Been with dp 6 years though & have 2 children.
Dp was an addict in his past bout 10 years ago but relapsed in the past yr.

I obviously did not know this had happened & he did everything in his power to hide it, lie, spent loads of money & was shit with the kids, ran up a debt & this is how i found out.

Dp has stopped though he had actually stopped when i found out, he had been clean for 3 weeks before i found out but obviously still had debt hanging over his head to pay off angry

All i can say is if he won't stop or get help & show you & his child some commitment then he is no good, he will never change unless he wants to & he wants the help.

Dp has found he had to cut off all friends who do drugs so he is not tempted because lets face it once an addict always an addict so the temptations must not be there.

They are fantastic liars & this is something that comes with having to be to be able to do there habit, if he is not prepared to sort himself out then i suggest you leave, as hard as it may be you need to do it for yourself & your children, you all deserve better.

I know how hard it is i have been there, the hurt, the pain, the deceit its horrible, stay strong, show you won't put up with this crap & that you & your family deserve better.

I must say whatever you do DO NOT get a morgage & buy a house until this stage of his life is well & truly over.

If you need a chat just CAT me.

lemonstartree Thu 20-Sep-07 11:59:22

you are not mad; he is.

Please leave him, all your instincts are spot on ; he is a drug user, a liar and will not change.

I have just split from my heavy cannabis using husband after years of lying, using deceit and eventually violence.

It won't get better unless HE wants it to. For that he may need to hit rock bottom - where ever that is for him.

dont let him drag you down too

good luck

Hurlyburly Thu 20-Sep-07 12:00:27

ditto expat

except my perspective is not about police and social services - it's just that he's such a general a waste of space.

you don't sound as though you love him, he's snorting the money away, he is useless around the house and with the dc's

I ask you - what is he for, precisely?

Other than an emotional, financial and practical drain.

Elizabetth Thu 20-Sep-07 12:03:25

I would leave him.

Of course he'll tell you you're crazy, this set up suits him fine, but it's all at your expense. Love is an action, not words. By his actions he is not loving you.

princesshobnob Thu 20-Sep-07 12:11:14

thank you - you're all saying what I know and feel, but it's hard sometimes when the other person makes you feel like you're over reacting.

It's hard to discuss with people because of the drugs issue.

He tells me he loves me all the time - Imaybe he does in his own way, but I agree with Elizabetth, I'd rather he never ever told me he loved me, but did everything to show me. Like do all in his power to give up drugs, and to pull his weight with help in the house.

He can be so great, and if only he would sort these problems out... that's the only reason I'm still here, mad crazy optimism. I did leave him once, and went to my mum's, but he convinced me to take him back. Now whole situation worse, struggling with my mum's death, pregnancy and all his crap.

LaBoheme Thu 20-Sep-07 12:35:08

I would leave but PG again Gosh this is not great timing - how many kids do you have with this guy?

pagwatch Thu 20-Sep-07 12:39:31

You can't be 'crazy optomistic' when the children are relying on you to keep them safe and secure. Is he capeable of doing that when you obviously don't trust him? You seem to be hanging on to the fact that occasionally he acts like a father and a partner. I'm sorry but big deal.

I would be long gone.

witchandchips Thu 20-Sep-07 12:42:16

to me it looks as though he wants to be with you but does not want to be part of the family. So get him to move out and start dating.

witchandchips Thu 20-Sep-07 12:42:28

meant to say with your dp

clutteredup Thu 20-Sep-07 12:46:32

Poor you, it will be difficult financially if you do stay with him as he will involve you with his debts. If the expense is the only thing stopping you leaving him then get out it will cost you less. If he really loves you he'll get help, I'd say he needs an ultimatum. have you family you can stay with

curiouscat Thu 20-Sep-07 13:56:12

He sounds like a child to me or a teenager at best. I would not stay with him but of course realise it's easy to say and much harder to do. While he's in your life you will never meet someone who deserves you. Good luck.

sleepfinder Thu 20-Sep-07 20:20:53

what if his behaviour on / post drug taking were to affect the children, which it likely will do

and what if he left drugs in a pocket and the children found and took them

these two reasons alone (forget about washing up / not getting out of bed) should really be enough to compel you to pack your bags.

And I'm very sorry that you found yourself with such an arse of a man.

jellybelly25 Fri 21-Sep-07 10:35:43

this is really sad, one of my xps (sounds bad eh?!) had a big cocaine habit. no kids with him, but it was not great watching him gradually lose all of his personality... I think it took over and became so much a part of his identity that he was scared to give it up because he didn't really know who he was without it. hes even worse now, nothing ever gave him a big enough kick up the ass to give it up or get help.

i think if you leave (despite money/being a single parent issues) it can only be for the best because either he will carry on getting worse and you will be well shot of him and his problems, or it will galvanise him into action and he will sort it out, wholesale, for good, and sometime in the future you maybe able to make another go of it.

But right now you need to get away from him and just focus on looking after you and your dcs.

mumzyof2 Sun 23-Sep-07 19:47:48

I know how you feel, my dp did a hell of a lot of drugs before i met him, but since i met him only smoked weed, and did coke when he went out. Hes smoked weed everyday since he was 13 years old, and he loves it, although NEVER in the house or near my v precious ds. He also used to go to the pub, and never come home until the morning, witch caused massive rows. soon as i found out i was pg with number 2, i told him it all had to stop, or one day he would come home, and i wouldnt be here. He stopped. Its cruel, but kind. You need to do what your gut tells you. But if he wont change now, what will he be like in a year? Two years? Five years with your children watching? Look after yourself.

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