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Tough one for me

(26 Posts)
Unnamedguy Sat 23-May-20 03:53:51

So me and my partner have been considering moving a little.further afield maybe 20 miles or so away and we've developed a bit of an issue. Her children's dad is lazy jobless and generally an a hole. He only lives around the corner now to get kids. Only I have my driving licence and my partner believes I should be taking kids to his and picking them up. I disagree as I think if he can't be bothered to get a bus for his kids then he ain't worth it. However it's causing a bit of friction between me and my partner. Am I in the wrong here.

Unnamedguy Sat 23-May-20 03:55:21

Oh and might be worth mentioning he literally hasn't contributed a penny for them in the last 14 months

Finfintytint Sat 23-May-20 03:57:26

if you care about the children then you would facilitate this.

Whataloadofshite Sat 23-May-20 04:02:33

I think you're in the right.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 23-May-20 04:03:10

I don't think you're wrong at all. Your partner is expecting you to be the one to drive 20 miles both ways every time they see their dad? She's taking the piss. Why can't she get her license? Why can't their dad step up?

sofato5miles Sat 23-May-20 04:05:18

How old are the kids. What do you think they would want?

Iflyaway Sat 23-May-20 04:05:50

I disagree as I think if he can't be bothered to get a bus for his kids then he ain't worth it.

I agree with you here.

Looks like she is expecting you to be a free taxi service as and when it suits.
No doubt he'll be giving you grief too by the sounds of him, making demands....wanting to "borrow" money, etc. ugh.
They'll both have you by the short and curlies, as the saying goes....

Don't get involved in it.

Unnamedguy Sat 23-May-20 04:11:15

He usually has them Saturday nights but slowly started to make excuses and not keeping them overnight either. I got her a free driving package for everything to pass but she never bothered. I have up a nice new build house and my independence to live with her and see these children as my own. There was troy is after their break up causing her to deny access to him and the only reason he does is because I convinced her.I feel I'm in a Right pickle

Hidingtonothing Sat 23-May-20 04:11:48

I would do it in your shoes, I've had to do lots of things over the years which benefitted DH's exW, because they also benefitted DSC and it's the children who matter most. I've always seen being a step parent as facilitating DH to be the best parent he can be, and if that means having to cooperate with the DC's mum at times then so be it. I always tried to do it with good grace and remember it was for the DC first and foremost and tbh if you can't do that you have to ask yourself whether you're up to the job. Sorry if that seems harsh but I don't think you can be half arsed about step parenting, you're either committed to those kids or you're not.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 23-May-20 04:15:46

I got her a free driving package for everything to pass but she never bothered.

What does she contribute to the household/relationship? Is she too dependent on you?

Unnamedguy Sat 23-May-20 04:19:24

I've got blood cancer heart disease and liver dysfunction. Along with working 5 days 5am til 6pm. I literally just need input from him. I just feel she's thinking more for him than me.

Finfintytint Sat 23-May-20 04:25:56

What would benefit the children though? Forget the lack of driving ability - just be a good step parent.

jt2345 Sat 23-May-20 04:36:55

I'm in a similar situation, I'm expected to spend so many hours in a car for my Step children. Neither parent has a drivers licence and because I have a car I'm just expected to.

3 hour round trip twice every other weekend and then we have them most of hols too...

Such a hard situation but I also feel like as parents they need to be the ones to deal with this, not depend on others!

What happens if I go away? ( I'm only a few months in and the 50% has only been sorted since COVID)

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort Sat 23-May-20 04:54:17

Why does it have to be one of the other? Surely sometimes he can get the bus and sometimes you can drive depending on the situation.

famousforwrongreason Sat 23-May-20 05:15:53

You sound lovely op and under an immense amount of pressure
You and your partner need a serious talk as atm sounds like you're doing all the heavy lifting and not in best health.
Is she adding any real value to your life?

Hidingtonothing Sat 23-May-20 14:00:06

Your health puts an entirely different slant on it, I would have thought that was far more relevant to your aibu than his faults as a father. If it's genuinely too much for you health wise then of course you shouldn't do it and I don't blame you for being upset if your partner is trying to pressure you to do something she knows is too much for you.

I do wonder though whether you've maybe underplayed your health concerns and focused too much on the ex's failings as a father when speaking to your partner, much as you seem to have here? Is she aware that you're struggling and don't feel you can take more on? Maybe the solution is to stay put for now rather than initiate a move which creates problems?

Raidblunner Sat 23-May-20 18:19:52

Have you discussed it with the children's father, would he be willing to pay for the fuel? Sounds like he's not really in to having the children anyway. Sometimes the more you do for people the less inclined they are to do anything themselves. He really needs to step up and play his part in this, your partner ought to be working this out with him.

RLEOM Sat 23-May-20 18:26:51

During coronavirus, take them. Once it settles down, I think he should collect them and you and your partner pick them up together in your car.

MingeofDeath Sat 23-May-20 19:43:28

Given your health problems, your partner is being incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. The useless father and your partner need to step up, sharpish.

noyoucannotcomein Sat 23-May-20 20:00:32

Tell your partner to do drop off and the ex to bring them back. Or vice versa. Yes, on the bus. That perhaps you'll be able to help out on occasions which suit you.

She's moving the kids away, and assuming she's as much up for that as you, it's not fair for him to have to do all drop off/pick ups. Whose benefit is the move actually for?

It's up to them to facilitate contact for their kids, not you. And my opinion would be the same even if you were perfectly healthy. But you're not, so she really is taking the piss.

amy85 Sat 23-May-20 20:08:13

You guys move away then you guys are responsible for transporting kids for contact....this is something you need to consider if you want to move 20 miles away....if you don't want to provide transport for the scs don't move 20 miles away

category12 Sat 23-May-20 20:08:27

I should stay where you are for now, and consider whether this relationship is going to work for you.

Zaphodsotherhead Sat 23-May-20 20:11:27

What would your partner do if you weren't there?

noyoucannotcomein Sat 23-May-20 20:12:31

What age are the kids?

noyoucannotcomein Sat 23-May-20 20:17:35

I've just read some of your other posts. This situation is an absolute shit show! And you've only been together a year.

Is she still pregnant? What about your own kids?

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