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Boyfriend && Porn

(26 Posts)
Kaybe2613 Sat 23-May-20 00:46:23

Okay.. please be nice this is not an offensive post or a bad one at that.

Just wanting advice. My partner of 4 years, 3 kids. watches porn, as we all do. I don't have a problem with this, he knows that. When I first met him he was so shy of TALKING about sex for someone who you call a 'playaaaaa' 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣. Jokes, but fair enough. We slowly talk about it now. He's so much more open we even joke about it at times. Poor thing still doesn't know where to look what sex scenes on Tele haha!

Anyways he's realllyyyy experienced. Totally straight, but his obsession with porn was really bad and a certain girl who lived near us was constantly searched, this made me little stir crazy. To close to home. We talked/argued he promised not to search for this girl again. He didn't. He's now searching for a certain man. Obsession searching more like. It's ridiculous for someone who is straight is weird for me to think this is not right?? He won't even let the kids paint his nails for 5mins! Or let his son in a dressy up dress but searching for a man in porn is okay???? Help please. I have nothing against gay people (just getting that out there!) It bothers me more that he literally goes red in the face when I paint our daughters nails and our son wants his toes done (he's 4). Is this normal? Is he a closeted gay? Bi? I'm struggling here we've stopped having sex as much and seems to be the same thing over and over it's literally 3min job done. He's still working, starts a 6am finishes 2pm asleep by 8pm there is no US. not even a try to stay awake, plays Xbox through the times he's not working whilst I look after our 3 kids. I'm literally a struggling mum. Nowhere to turn.

I would love advice about the porn situation. Searching for men ridiculous amount of times doesn't sit right with me when he portrays him self to be one of the straightest guys ever. sad

Opentooffers Sat 23-May-20 01:05:06

Hmm.. makes me wonder more when men are so insecure about their sexuality that they are scared about anything that might be construed as feminine, in case they get taken for having gay tendencies. A fully straight male I doubt would panic at others "getting the wrong impression". That, with looking for a particular male porn star, and having loads of experience, and yet still not very good at it, it's building to an answer, one that it sounds like he won't accept himself, so what you do about it is a tricky one. He might be bi or gay, do you just have his word on the large experience? Either way, he could have just been trying to make a show for others as it seems odd his prowess in the bedroom is so poor - or is that just a recent thing?

BadgersAreReal Sat 23-May-20 01:08:48

Because all gay men want to paint their nails and play "dressy up"?

Perhaps he just admires this male pornstars work or something. He can be "the straightest man ever" and watch any type of porn.
But he sounds like he probably has a porn addiction, if that's the answer you're looking for.

Kaybe2613 Sat 23-May-20 01:17:45

It seems to be happening recently. It's always his norm up until about a month ago, I know he watches it alot anyways but this manly recent search is all new and has me worried. He has nothing against Gay people at all, we have relatives who are and he knows people. He never says anything nasty or to make you think otherwise. If this makes sense. All of this Is out of the blue. He's not a manly man like do DIY and whatnot but he is manly with his masculinity, or he does preach it when asked, he loves women's attention. I don't know what else, you'd think he was a typical bloke.

famousforwrongreason Sat 23-May-20 05:39:03

'as we all do'
We all don't.

I found out after about a year that my ex is bisexual and had lots of sex with men. I was clueless, he's very 'masculine' and heavily into women, (partly why we broke aup).
I would have liked to have known at the beginning because finding out a year later really fucked with my head. I already knew he was lying yo me about his 'friendships' with certain women, but when I learned about the guys too it gave me more reason to be paranoid.
He's also a big porn fan

kaleidoscopeantebellum Sat 23-May-20 06:13:41

Is the man he is searching for in gay porn videos or just with other women? I sometimes search for certain female porn stars doesn't mean I'm gay, I just like watching them.

Skyla2005 Sat 23-May-20 08:24:23

I found it really surprising that you started with he watches porn as we all do. Not everyone does a lot of people hate it and don’t find it acceptable in a marriage My opinion is its harmful and a dealbreaker for me It sounds as tho your partner has an addiction to it regardless of what gender his watching. I would sit him down and talk properly about it and the amount of time he is spending on it. While your there you could bring up being a lazy arse leaving you to look after the kids while he plays his game. Is he a child or a husband ?

Anothernick Sat 23-May-20 09:12:14

You say he is really experienced but also that he is a poor lover, doesn't last long and your sex life is declining. There could be many reasons for this, porn is certainly one, though if he has always used it and it did not previously affect your relationship then you should consider other possibilities, like stress, depression etc as well. Obsessive searching for the guy on porn sites is a bit odd I think, though you should not automatically assume the worst. I consider myself to be actively heterosexual but I look at gay porn from time to time. It sounds like you need to have serious talk with him and tell him how you feel - he is not pulling his weight in your relationship generally and the sexual issues are part of that.

PositiveVibez Sat 23-May-20 10:01:25

My partner of 4 years, 3 kids. watches porn, as we all do

Erm no 'we all' don't.

I wouldn't be able to get past him desperately searching for pictures of a 'girl' who lived close by. How old was this 'girl'?

Creepy.

LovingLola Sat 23-May-20 10:06:23

So another man who has opted out of family life. Do you plan to stay with him? Make sure you don’t have a 4th child with him.

dontgobaconmyheart Sat 23-May-20 10:10:56

We don't all watch porn OP, I expect a lot of us know it is harmful, misogynist and so unrealistic that it is pointless watching anyway. I'd have thought anyone with a great deal of experience sexually would know that it bears no relation to real sex for most of the time. Maybe that is why he is rubbish in bed, because his sexual experience is replicating porn, and also he sounds like he is full of shit anyway. Maybe he likes womens attention because it makes him feel pleased they can't tell he likes men too and that reassures him.

Why would it be an issue for your son to have the same harmless fun as your daughter? To be honest OP your partner sounds like he has issues coming out of his ears. Perhaps he is so paranoid the slightest thing will turn your son gay and harps on about being the worlds straightest man because he is attracted to men but is also a homophobewho thinks being gay is disgusting and the worst thing ever hmm so he struggles with the fact he might be and it transpires in this way.

What is the appeal of him anyway, why is he stalking 'girls' online, watching a losd of nonsense pirn, spouting rubbish, enjoying the attention of other women and holding unpleasant views.

It is not 'manly' to do DIY for goodness sake, anyone can. Join the modern times OP.

AnyFucker Sat 23-May-20 10:13:04

as we all do

Nope

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings Sat 23-May-20 10:19:05

He sounds horrible OP. Won't let his son wear a dress, leaves you to do everything while he games, crap in bed and obsessed with porn? Honestly, him searching for a male porn actor is the least of your worries. Maybe he's bi, maybe he's curious, who cares, the bigger problem surely is that he's a homophobic misogynist who thinks that women are either sex objects or staff and pushes his shitty ideas about heterosexual masculinity onto his son. Are you planning on staying with him? I wouldn't personally. If you do, at least try and undermine him on the "no dress up" nonsense as much as you can so your son stands a chance of not growing up to be like him. Poor kid.

C0RA Sat 23-May-20 10:26:09

So he’s a poor partner, you don’t spend time together, your sex life is rubbish.

And he’s a poor father, not spending time with his kids and Imposing his weird old fashioned ideas on his young children, who have to play the way he wants.

I don’t really see the point of him TBH. And that’s before you consider the poem use, which no, we don’t “all” do. Because we don’t “all” enjoy seeing trafficked and drugged women being abused, let alone images of rape and child abuse. And I wonder what’s gone on in your life when that’s your idea of fun.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sat 23-May-20 10:26:41

He's a porn-addicted layabout who plays no part in family life and whose behaviour is borderline homophobic (how would he react if his son came out in 10 years time?) but the fact he's searching up a particular performer is what's worrying you? Oh and he's a shit shag (see porn-addicted layabout)

Why are you putting up with so little?

Greenkit Sat 23-May-20 10:27:36

Is he searching for this "man" because he is often paired with the "woman" he searched for and it's a way of seeing her without you guessing?

Kona84 Sat 23-May-20 10:29:26

I wonder if he found the name of the guy that is in a video with the girl you asked him not to search for.
That way he is not searching for her anymore but still finding the video.

Kona84 Sat 23-May-20 10:29:56

@Greenkit snap must have been typing same time

Greenkit Sat 23-May-20 10:31:59

🤣🙏

daisyjgrey Sat 23-May-20 10:32:18

a closeted gay

hmm

Wearywithteens Sat 23-May-20 10:35:19

Exactly what LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett said with bells on.

totallyyesno Sat 23-May-20 10:38:57

As others have already said, no, we don't all watch porn. Why are you putting up with this?

GilbertMarkham Sat 23-May-20 11:03:08

and a certain girl who lived near us was constantly searched, this made me little stir crazy. To close to home. We talked/argued he promised not to search for this girl again. He didn't. He's now searching for a certain man. Obsession searching more like.

Sorry, just to clarify .. the girl he was searching for lives near you do i presume she's a "regular" person, who is not s porn actress/sex worker or wherever.

Is she an Instagram model?
Or is she not involved in anything like that and there are just relatively ordinary photos online of her on FB etc.?

Now to the man .. is he the same? A regular person who's not a porn actor?

Because some posters are saying that he may only be searching the man because he does scenes with the girl you objected to him searching for a lot ... But if sounds like she's not a porn actress and is just a regular person (or at the most an Instagram "model") so that theory is not relevant.

Windyatthebeach Sat 23-May-20 11:06:40

A relative of mine sounds just like your man op..
His gf left him when she found a USB with all his exes on and his profile on a gay hook up site...
And neither me nor dh watch porn.
So take us out of you all watch it column thanks!
Your dc don't sound like they have a decent df either...

backseatcookers Sat 23-May-20 11:12:14

Searching for other men and women who live nearby, that he wanks over and has obsessions with is icky, creepy and disrespectful as fuck.

there is no US. not even a try to stay awake, plays Xbox through the times he's not working whilst I look after our 3 kids.

Your relationship sounds awful.

You are effectively a single mum AND having to deal with someone doing these weird obsessive searches and getting fixated on other people.

Gay / bi / whatever is a red herring. It's an unhappy relationship. Don't model that for your kids. Your relationship is their blueprint for future ones. Would you want them to feel how you do now?

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