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So upset about this but DH doesn't see the issue

(179 Posts)
DJTanner Fri 22-May-20 23:13:14

I have known I have an onion and garlic intolerance for a few years now. I get lots of horrible symptoms if I eat either of them and over the years the intolerance has got worse. DH doesn't seem to 'get' it and thinks I'm being fussy or awkward. He often says 'oh yeah you don't like onion or garlic do you?' if I check, for example, a menu in a restaurant to see if something is suitable for me to eat.

About a week ago he decided to do a bbq one night and went and bought burgers and sausages for it. He assured me that he'd chosen burgers that had no onion or garlic in and would be fine for me and said he'd checked the ingredients. Just before he cooked I asked to double check the ingredients and he got annoyed with me and said 'I've already TOLD you there's no onion or garlic in them and I double checked before I cooked them and there is no onion or garlic in them'. He also said he'd already put the packaging in the outside bin.

He did the BBQ and, thinking I could trust my husband, I ate a burger. Cue the next day feeling absolutely awful with an upset tummy, aching, tiredness, and other symptoms. I got the packaging out of the bin and saw that the burgers did indeed have onion in them. I told him that I'd checked and that was why I was feeling ill and he was completely un-sorry and didn't really seem bothered at all and just kept saying he'd made a mistake and I should just accept it.

I've now had a week of symptoms and feeling really unwell, including feeling really down as this is also a side effect of the intolerance. He has been totally unsympathetic and if anything seems to think it's funny, even when I've had diarrhoea or stomach cramps.

Would you be upset or am I in the wrong? Like I said, the intolerance affects how I feel mentally for a few days so I feel really down and tearful about it all.

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife Fri 22-May-20 23:22:09

I'd be upset too. Of course. It shows a real lack of basic thoughtfulness and care from him

Elieza Fri 22-May-20 23:23:41

He’s a lying idiot. Stupid and ignorant of your medical condition.

I had one of them, an ignorant other half. I felt that if he didn’t believe what I told him that he had a lack of respect for me. He thought I was stupid enough not to know things about my own body. As if.

He’s an ex for a reason.

Perhaps you should consider if you want to be with someone who will endanger your health without a second thought.

And in the meantime, if you are responsible for doing chores round the house get him told you’re not well enough to do then so he’ll have to. That may sharpen his brain for the next time he has to make food. Negative outcomes can make them think twice.


BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Fri 22-May-20 23:24:56

He is disgusting to do something which would knowingly cause you so much harm.

TheSandgroper Fri 22-May-20 23:27:45

That’s me after cows milk, right down to the tearfulness.

Because he is a good man, Dh keeps everything clean. I did have to spend two hours on the toilet once, though. And I had to remind him that I did it regularly leaving a two year old with the run of the house.

But because he’s not horrible, he did learn and is helpful. Your husband acted with deliberation so I don’t know what words I would use to describe him.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend Fri 22-May-20 23:28:07

He’s a prick. He knew there was onion in it but either couldn’t be arsed to find burgers without or he wanted those particular burgers and didn’t really care about the consequences to you. That’s really quite a horrible, contemptuous thing to do.

Theukisgreatt Fri 22-May-20 23:28:14

Oh you poor thing, I have IBS so I understand. I'd be so upset if my husband did this, it's not like they're hard ingredients to pick up on the ingredients list! People can be so thoughtless, but to actually lie is really awful.

Knittedfairies Fri 22-May-20 23:29:22

I wouldn't be upset; I'd be bloody furious. I hope you're feeling better soon.

Iflyaway Fri 22-May-20 23:29:26

Why are you with someone who is so cavalier about your well-being?

TorkTorkBam Fri 22-May-20 23:30:00

I have a problem with dairy. If DH ever gives me some by accident he feels awful that I feel awful and takes good care of me. Tbh though he's more careful than me.

Your DH caused you physical harm. He now gives no fucks that you are harmed. That's huge. Easier to hide than a punch I guess.

He must be a massive bellend in other ways too?

Sunnytimesahead Fri 22-May-20 23:31:57

YANBU - Intolerances/allergies can be really serious. He should respect you and that includes making sure he is honest about food he is making otherwise how can you trust him?
It is awful that you felt so unwell and he doesn't seem to care, even making stupid jokes about it.
I think you need to weigh up the pro's and con's of this relationship.

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 22-May-20 23:32:33

Wow. Your H is a nasty prick.

EmeraldShamrock Fri 22-May-20 23:35:13

What a dickhead I'd be tempted to put a tiny bit of laxative in his tea enough to just upset his stomach.

matchboxtwentyunwell Fri 22-May-20 23:35:41

He often says 'oh yeah you don't like onion or garlic do you?'

He did it on purpose. He thinks it's all in your head or you're exaggerating, and did it on purpose.

He's a dick.

whyismyneck Fri 22-May-20 23:37:07

He did it on purpose. He has heard you many times say that it causes you issues but still says 'you don't like it'. He gave you them because it was his way of dismissing again what you've told him.

NooneElseIsSingingMySong Fri 22-May-20 23:37:25

I am wheat intolerant. If DH accidentally ‘glutens’ me (which has only happened a couple of times in the years I have been) he would very apologetic and take care of me, making sure I have hot water bottles, peppermint tea, drugs, whatever I need to ride it out. He’s no saint and we have our issues but if yours has lied to you about the packaging, then BSd you when you queried it then not shown any sympathy while you’ve been ill he’s a real arse. Do you have IBS meds? You can get buscopan over the counter.

passerbye Fri 22-May-20 23:39:33

This is terrible. Disrespectful. It’s not ok

Weenurse Fri 22-May-20 23:41:22

I also react to onion and garlic.
The whole family know this and cook those ingredients separately so I can take my portion before they add the onion and garlic.
The way your H is treating you and this experience shows he does not really get it or care.
My family did take time to adjust, but when their lives were impacted on waiting for me in the toilet ( and how many times I had to return to the toilet), they got it.
Make sure every time he poisons you with onion or garlic, his life is impacted so he gets it.

BingPot720 Fri 22-May-20 23:41:50

I think this was a deliberate test tbh. The way he refused to let you see the packaging - I bet he was hoping you'd not have any symptoms so he'd be able to say "HA, they did have onions in and you didn't even know so now I know you're lying".

It's more than thoughtless/forgetful it's deliberately nasty.

Dollyrocket Fri 22-May-20 23:44:42

Really very disrespectful, what a prick.

DJTanner Fri 22-May-20 23:44:43

Thanks everyone.

I have to admit I do feel as though he did it on purpose. He also never gives me any sympathy or understanding if I'm unwell, ever.

I seem to have a 'cycle' of symptoms if I've eaten any onion or garlic; after a week the upset tummy, nausea and indigestion have gone, but I still have a week of a headache, foggy head, and feeling very down and sad.

Weenurse Fri 22-May-20 23:46:06

I have a friend who suffers violent vomiting and diarrhoea with onion.
Her MIL refused to believe it.
After a BBQ with in laws, friend spent night violently ill.
Her DH rang his DM and questioned the ingredients of BBQ, MIL had tried to hide onion so she could point out it was all in friends head. Apparently MIL did feel badly once proven wrong

BumbleBeee69 Fri 22-May-20 23:46:40

He does not care OP... he did it deliberately.. the discarding of the packaging speaks volumes... he did not want you to be able to check the ingredients .. so he either wanted you to eat and become unwell.. or he was testing you ... because he does not believe your intolerance... which option fits better OP.. either way he is a horrible bastard flowers

Weenurse Fri 22-May-20 23:47:38

What is he like in other aspects of you life together?
From this thread he does not sound like a great SH.

Weenurse Fri 22-May-20 23:47:51


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