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Was this odd- or was i too soft?

(8 Posts)
anonnnnni Fri 22-May-20 19:46:13

Anon here as this cud be outing. blush

I've been having online counslling sessions since me and my X split 8 weeks ago. A few things have come up about the r'ship that i worried about at the time.

-my x used to earn a lot more than me. like 5x more. he used to put all payments (meals, holidays etc) on his ccard and ask me for the money at the end of each month- bit like a tab. Said he did this with his XW. I mentioned a few times that this made it hard for me to budget as I cudn't keep track of what we was spending and could he stop. Things didn't change. i asked or a breakdwn of costs at one point and i think he did this mybe... 2 times?

-our lease was up on one flat we lived in. he chose a diffrnt flat after we had been to view 2 and said yes to the one i didn't like. Turns out he didn't like the one i did so said yes to the other! His name was on the tenancy/told me it was only for a year but this really hurt me as i didnt choose it.

-when we met i had come back to the uk after a year travelling. so I had none of my own stuff. we moved in really quickly (his suggestion) after 3 mnths so none of the furniture etc in the flat was mine. after a year+ together, i realised he didn't like me having my own stuff. Criticised me getting a letter holder for e.g., didn't understand y i wanted a calendar in the kitchen, wouldn't let me cook meals for both of us- is this controlling to u?

-lastly. one of the things that botehred me was that he was active on social media but never referred to me/befriended me on it until a few months before we split!. again, i thought this was to protext his XW's feelings. during our 2 years together he wasn't interested in making mutual friends (we had just 1) despite me being really bubbly and outgoing. He met several of my friends during that time & seemd to get on with them.

obviously not everything was terrible. he was massively generous with gifts, could be really caring and loving etc. Just confused.

Do these sound controlling to you? Or do i have really bad boundaries?

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AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 22-May-20 20:49:29

Thank goodness you got away from him, do not under any circumstances go back to him!.

How do you think your online counselling sessions are going?. You need to look at the Freedom Programme run by Women’s Aid, men like you describe can and do take an awful long time to recover from and your boundaries need a lot of work, these perhaps already too low have been further weakened by this charming but dangerous individual.

This was abusive throughout and there are so many red flags here with him I do not know where to start. There is financial abuse and coercive control present. He targeted you and deliberately so too. Read the article called The Loser by Dr Joe Carver, this was that man to a tee.

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife Fri 22-May-20 23:28:34

Choosing the flat without you is a bit weird but the other things dont seem that bad to me.

But you've already split so why focus on all this now anyway?

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h Fri 22-May-20 23:37:03

He sounds awful. Don't put up with someone like that again.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend Fri 22-May-20 23:40:29

Yes he sounds controlling but you also sound too passive. You need to work on that before your next relationship or you’ll just end up in the same situation.

anonnnnni Fri 22-May-20 23:46:17


Is it not normal 2 months down the tracks to think about things like this? :$

OP’s posts: |
anonnnnni Fri 22-May-20 23:52:02


thank u for the articles. will give them a read this weekend. Seen other posts about the FP so will look into.

really hard to see it clearly, because as other posts suggest, these things 'don't seem that bad' - especially when i consider his great points. I can c why what i've described might be passed off as normal or that i was way too easygoing.

ive actually stopped the online counselling (better help) as it wasn't really getting me anywhere/not the right fit

OP’s posts: |
anonnnnni Sun 24-May-20 13:36:57

giving this another go...

OP’s posts: |

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