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Unhappy marriage. Need to make a decision. Yes or no?

(49 Posts)
NorthFace Fri 22-May-20 19:20:08

Hi,

I’ve been in here before, under a different name, but I’m still facing the same dilemma and it isn’t going away. I just can’t decide! Lockdown has stopped me progressing!

My question is...’Would you leave and make a new life for yourself?’ Give me an answer of yes or no, after I’ve given the facts.

Against leaving:
1. We have two children aged 12 and 16. No grandparents - all RIP.
2. We are mortgage free/debt free and hubby has just inherited his parents house (that was in trust as FIL remarried).
3. We get on ok, in general. But, as I now realise...as friends.
4. Hubby is a nice, gentle man. He would never do anything to hurt me.
5. We are comfortably well off. I’m the higher earner but, being debt free, we have a nice sum left every month
6. We could, if we sold up and sold the inherited property, buy a lovely 5 bed house in the west end (posher and nicer part of town) near the children’s school (they’re Catholic, like their dad). Although we are currently in a 4 bed detached house in a nice area.
7. No worries financially, now or in the future

For leaving:
1. I’m desperately unhappy. Have been for years but it has got worse over the last 3-4, probably since I lost my mother. I’ve realised how empty my marriage is.
2. Hubby is ten years older than me and looks/acts older. I’m a young 48 and attractive for my age. He is unfit, makes me cringe and like a man older. I feel like we’re on different pages in this story of life.
3. I am not attracted to him and stopped sex 10 years ago. Yes, ten years ago!! I am, however, very passionate. We were sexually incompatible. He wouldn’t kiss me as it affected his asthma. Never touched me intimately. Both of us were inexperienced. I was quiet as a young girl and avoided boys! Stupidly!
4. I sleep in the spare room. I took my wedding ring off at the same time as moving into the spare room. I just couldn’t share a bed with him and used hot flushes as my excuse to move out. Two years now. It’s a tiny box room and I’m in an old single bed. It is making me depressed and I’m wondering how I ended up like this. I spend my days off going out to the edge of town with a flask of tea just to avoid being in the house, or a bike ride etc. I hate being in the house. He is off work due to Coronavirus as he is high risk (asthma).
5. I have told him I’m unhappy and he chooses to ignore me or think I’m moody and I’ll snap out of it. I think this makes me feel worse!
6. He has no drive and I find him boring. Has always relied on me to support him as he was a lower earner. He doesn’t do much around the house
7. He lacks masculinity. I can’t explain but he doesn’t get horny ever. He is an avid trainspotter and so are his single friends! I really can’t explain what I mean but he has never shown affection and sex was on and off - wham bad. He is strange. Quiet. He hardly talks to me. Lacks conversation and offers no support if ever I’m having a hard time at work etc.
8. I feel empty inside, like I’m grieving all the time. I get that ‘knotted’ chocked up feeling. My mental health has suffered but I’m a highly qualified professional.
9. It has affected my role as a mother. I don’t spend as much time with my kids as I should. They also see me unhappy and my temper can flare a bit due to my hidden unhappiness.
10. Although he is a nice man, I do not love him but I don’t have the heart to tell him. I feel bad. I feel bad for the kids. But, I am unhappy. I didn’t feel right when I married him 22 years ago but carried on.
11. I have been making irrational decisions over the last 3-4 years. Changing jobs regularly etc. I love my career!! My old boss asked if my marriage was ok. I said yes. It wasn’t. I wanted to tell him but felt embarrassed.
12. I’ll be slated for this...but 3 years ago I, unbeknown to me, entered peri menopause and my hormones went crazy. I was lonely, hormonal and looking for something else in my life that I was missing. I became involved with someone online (married) and it moved from chatting to phone and we met a few times. He felt guilt and kept ending it but it carried on. He is still in my life but, fortunately, lives far away. Let’s just say this man has seriously turned my head. The way we get on etc. And, both of us are passionate! Very compatible. Yes, we had sex and it was amazing, for both of us. I cried over it!! I realised the true passion I’d missed out on over the years. I know it will end as his guilt rises (he is a Christian living in a sexless marriage). I do not feel guilty. At all. If I never heard from him again I will still feel the same.
13. Hubby has mentioned moving in to his parents place (if I want to split, but he thinks I’m not serious) and I know now is the perfect opportunity (once lockdown is eased). He could move there - 3 rooms so the kids could stay half the week, we could sell up our house and split the money. It is in a nice area near the kids’ school - ideal.

What would you do?

Thingsdogetbetter Fri 22-May-20 19:25:47

Split! No question. This seems like a miserable hell of an existential. If the best you can say is he's a nice man, it's over. Has been for years. Someone has to take the last tiny little step and actually finalise it.

Thingsdogetbetter Fri 22-May-20 19:26:21

Existence!

AllsortsofAwkward Fri 22-May-20 19:28:26

Leave it's pretty obvious you're unhappy op. Life is too short.

category12 Fri 22-May-20 19:29:58

Split. No brainer, really.

Spain1 Fri 22-May-20 19:32:08

Same timeline here 22 years married, 10 years sexless marriage & I'm 48 also. Go it's time for both your sakes. The time is now. 50s can be great for women make sure you are going to enjoy them. Best of luck.

MissSmiley Fri 22-May-20 19:32:47

@NorthFace I left my husband of 20 years who is still my best friend, funny, intelligent and cultured, but there was no passion, my best friend died of cancer two years ago and it made me realise how short and precious life is, we get on fantastically well, we both have new relationships (well I ended my 18 month relationship last week) but I'm so much happier, Independant and definitely did the right thing, my kids are a similar age and my ex is also much older

Jellykat Fri 22-May-20 19:34:46

Don't waste your time anymore, call it a day. Life is for living!

Cheeeeislifenow Fri 22-May-20 19:36:27

I would leave but I think you need to work on yourself as well. Don't expect your life to be amazing because you leave.

riotlady Fri 22-May-20 19:37:22

Leave

Vretz Fri 22-May-20 19:40:15

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Fri 22-May-20 19:42:59

You've had an affair, you're neglecting your kids and you're staying with your husband because you might be able to buy a nice new house. Is one interpretation of your story.

Catch yourself on - leave.

CuppaZa Fri 22-May-20 19:46:45

Yes. Leave

NoMoreDickheads Fri 22-May-20 19:49:35

Absolutely split up. Sounds like practically it'd be easy to do. Honestly, you'll feel so relieved, so much better.

He sounds dire.

He sounds like a really great guy tbh

Vretz- there's a word for people like you.

doughnutmuffin Fri 22-May-20 19:54:30

What did you like/find attractive about him in the first place?

Scott72 Fri 22-May-20 19:55:59

@NoMoreDickheads He sounds dire? How about her? She has not treated him well. He can't be happy either. She should leave for both their sakes.

TwistyHair Fri 22-May-20 20:00:38

Leave

Cheeeeislifenow Fri 22-May-20 20:00:44

I agree op does not come out looking great here.

Elieza Fri 22-May-20 20:15:27

Split. The opportunity of a house has landed in your lap.

SandyY2K Fri 22-May-20 20:21:57

Hubby has mentioned moving in to his parents place (if I want to split,

This is your resolution. I'd go for this.

The worst thing about this kind of marriage, is being lumbered with caring responsibilities and being unable to leave, without looking like a mean, uncaring wife.

Go now while he can manage himself.

SocialifeofaHotWaterBottle Fri 22-May-20 20:22:46

He is handing you the scissors to cut this. Do so. Amicable divorce and be happy.

Poshjock Fri 22-May-20 20:23:46

Your whole post sounds like you don’t even like this man far less respect him. The rights or wrongs don’t even matter anymore. The marriage is dead - let it go and grieve the loss. Then get on with rebuilding your life and more importantly- your Children’s.

PS do you notice your list is entitled against leaving and for leaving not for staying / for leaving. Even that is telling me something.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 22-May-20 20:26:05

Split up. Do not do your bit here to further teach your children that a loveless marriage could be their norm too. They know that things between you and dad are not good here, I just hope they do not blame themselves.

You need to end this exit affair too, this other man here has merely been a distraction from the parlous state of your marriage.
Your reasons for staying are weak to say the very least and self serving. Your list for leaving is far more detailed.

lolli7 Fri 22-May-20 20:30:13

Leave!

Vretz Fri 22-May-20 20:30:51

@NoMoreDickheads

Hubby is a nice, gentle man. He would never do anything to hurt me

Per the OP? I think she knows him better than you? confused

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