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Started dating 50yo who doesn't look after himself - winner or loser?

(83 Posts)
LargeHadron Fri 22-May-20 19:02:56

Would you continue dating a 50-something year old man who's not interested in looking after his health? He goes without food for up to 12 hours but doesn't even eat properly when he finally gets round to eating, and has a list of health issues which scream 'diabetes' which he refuses to check out. We're still at the friends stage but the relationship is developing nicely, and the eating/health issue is now unavoidable - it's a subject I've raised but I don't want to tell him how to live his life so I'm keeping quiet now. I know this sounds selfish, but I really don't want to take on another dependent in addition to my teenage kids, plus I also worry about how this might affect any possible sex life if our friendship were to progress. I really, really like the man, but I'm wary about both short-term and long-term consequences of his lack of care, and I would really value some opinions on this.

adayatthebeach Fri 22-May-20 19:11:05

Maybe he hates to prepare or cook food. I’d not give up yet. Actually fasting can lower his blood sugar. Probably just needs some structure his life. I often think if I lived alone I’d eat crappy and I’m sure I’m much older. Just be an example to how you think he should eat without preaching.

Valkadin Fri 22-May-20 19:12:55

No I wouldn’t, my brother would not co o with health issues and did end up with diabetes. By the time he took it seriously enough he was on dialysis. His wife had a few years of stress and is now widowed at 59.

DeeCeeCherry Fri 22-May-20 19:13:30

Well if you want to end up with the 'prize' of ending up as his carer sooner rather than later, you could go ahead. Watching him being a slob who doesn't care about his health and appearance might start putting you off once you're in a relationship though.

Me & DP are older than him. Not health freaks by far but we look after ourselves, we care about what we eat and how we look.

Valkadin Fri 22-May-20 19:13:50

Should read co-operate

Idododoidadada Fri 22-May-20 19:14:39

Do you need to ask?

Awful to be so judgemental BUT, as a HCP, I’ve seen the fallout too many times. You can’t even save him.

I know someone (not a patient btw) like this who started dating a GP friend, they’ve been together over a decade and he’s now morbidly obese, drinks 2 bottles of red wine a night, struggles to breathe, has sleep apnoea. If she, a healthy size 12, with a wealth of knowledge and unlimited resources to share, can’t make the man she loves change so he doesn’t die an early death what hope do you have?

Find someone who cares enough about himself that he won’t turn you into his carer

LargeHadron Fri 22-May-20 19:15:13

Thanks, Adayatthebeach : )

Craftycorvid Fri 22-May-20 19:15:53

As pp have said, fasting is more likely to lower his blood sugar. What does he eat when he gets around to it? If he fasts then binges that’s not great, but one balanced meal a day is probably fine. Is there anything else making you feel he neglects his health?

TwentyViginti Fri 22-May-20 19:18:55

Stick to friendship! if he doesn't value himself enough to attend to his health issues and diet, he's unlikely to value a relationship - or maybe he'll assume you'll take care of him.

LargeHadron Fri 22-May-20 19:20:03

Thanks, Valkadin, DeeCeeCherry and Idododoidadada - you've pretty much voiced what I was afraid to think.

LargeHadron Fri 22-May-20 19:26:29

Craftycorvid - he never eats a balanced meal, just toast or whatever snacks he's got knocking around. He's losing weight, has terrible trouble sleeping and gets frequent headaches, plus he sometimes gets hypoglycemia from not having eaten for so long.

oohnicevase Fri 22-May-20 19:30:32

What do you mean goes without food for 12 hours .. I eat at 6 pm and then not again until at least lunchtime .. I didn't realise it was that unusual.. I'm healthy !

LargeHadron Fri 22-May-20 19:35:48

Oohnicevase - glad to hear you're healthy : )

AuntieMarys Fri 22-May-20 19:40:20

No. I could not share my life with someone like that

oohnicevase Fri 22-May-20 19:42:13

Yes as above , fasting is good for you as long as you don't binge on sugar when you do eat .

category12 Fri 22-May-20 19:42:20

Do you want a project or a boyfriend? He sounds like the former.

category12 Fri 22-May-20 19:43:37

Fasting purposefully is very different from forgetting to eat/not looking after himself.

Mermaidwaves Fri 22-May-20 19:51:54

The question is why is he doing this? Is it laziness or just he's got used to that lifestyle? Either way he's old enough to understand basic nutrition. Does he look after himself in other ways? Whats his hygiene like?

Whathewhatnow Fri 22-May-20 19:53:45

Is it just the eating thing? On it's own that isnt really a deal breaker for me although I would struggle with someone who didnt enjoy food.

I've got a friend like this. Eats his dinner at 10pm. Will go for hours without anything. The food thing is the tip of the iceberg but you might not realise that at first.....

If he actually has uncontrolled diabetes then you are right to be concerned about potential sexual complications. I'd try that out right away. He may be fine. He may be completely impotent. And only you know whether that is an issue for you.

LargeHadron Fri 22-May-20 19:58:08

Mermaidwaves - his hygiene is fine. It's just the eating thing and a its related complications

ChristmasFluff Fri 22-May-20 20:07:01

It's not really about 'winner' or 'loser'.

To be a suitable partner for you, he would have to substantially change

This means you are incompatible.

Time to move on

Whathewhatnow Fri 22-May-20 20:07:22

Maybe he just doesn't care for it. Some adults who had poor food supply as children have learned to suppress hunger urges and correspondingly have quite ambivalent or disordered approaches to food. This might not be him. I'm projecting from my friend here.

I have to say however that in my experience people who derive no pleasure from food, drink, or other sensory experiences are generally awful sexual partners. That may be a huge generalisation. And your fella may love food but only once a day, I dont know! Does he like music? Touch? Is he transported by smells? Strong visual sense?? If not that would put me off more than the apparent lack of self care!

crimsonlake Fri 22-May-20 20:09:22

I would be more concerned if it were the other way around and he was overeating. I thought diabetes was related to being overweight and not underweight?
I would not give up, lots of people who live alone do not see cooking for one as a pleasure and end up eating just to survive and anything will do.

LargeHadron Fri 22-May-20 20:20:52

Whatthewhatnow - "people who derive no pleasure from food, drink, or other sensory experiences are generally awful sexual partners" - you are so right lol!

CovidicusRex Fri 22-May-20 20:28:37

Having dated men who were very much into various sensory pleasures I’d have to disagree on that point. Likewise not eating for twelve hours isn’t necessarily an issue either. But if he’s ignoring health problems there’s a good chance he’ll end up very ill sooner than later. Regardless he will need care at some point in the next forty years (unless he’s way healthier than you think he is and he stays that way). If you don’t love him enough to want to care for him then I wouldn’t get involved.

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