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Is it possible to manage without freinds? If so how?

(24 Posts)
Ihgnelotto Fri 22-May-20 18:54:25

Now that lockdown has really kicked in I've realised that all of my friends are coupled up or married. I can't keep trying to stay in touch, the lack of response is embarrassing. Appart from the odd chat neigbours it feels like 9+ weeks with only the company of children. 1 DC has SEN which does make friendships difficult at the best of times.

I've been supportive and 'there' for people in the past, but now when I could just do with something, there is nothing.

I am a typical extrovert, I love being out about and with people. I just feel forgotten...which hurts. I think I've realised that most of my friendships are superficial and not really very solid. How do I move forward without friends? It feels like a better option as I feel rather pathetic and needed currently. Obviously counselling would help at some point post lockdown.

MikeUniformMike Fri 22-May-20 19:27:42

You could contact friends and acquaintances you've not heard from for a while. Disguise it as just checking everyone is ok.
You are not pathetic and needy.

Ihgnelotto Sat 23-May-20 07:38:19

Thank you, I can give that a go I guess. I generally am the happy; check in on everyone type.

I guess I'd still need to figure out what to do if
that doesn't work.

shootmenow2020 Sat 23-May-20 07:56:40

It's such a weird time, I think a lot of people will be wrapped up in trying to work from home and mind kids at the same time. I know myself I've been trying not to use my phone as much so I've gone terrible for contacting friends so it could just be simple things like that, but then I am abit of an introvert. Are you guys allowed to go for social distancing walks? Could you organise a zoom pub quiz etc! You're not pathetic and needy. It's nice to connect with other people and a lot of us are lonely right now (including me)

nogooddeedgoesunpunished Sat 23-May-20 08:12:59

Agree with previous poster . I'm having to get up at 5.30 to work until 7 when DS gets up then juggle him and work all day ( impossible and v stressful) then work again after he's in bed until 9 when I usually collapse Ito bed. I've literally no energy to pick up the phone and after a day of zoom work calls just too tired. It's a v weird time. Realised the other day that I've not heard from some friends in weeks but then I've not contacted them too

Ihgnelotto Sat 23-May-20 09:12:45

I think it’s so different for everyone.

The majority of my friends still feel that we should be on full lockdown and are not really ready to venture out yet. OTOH right from the start I had to keep going out for food, essentials and to take DC to their father so I’m probably a bit more relaxed about getting out and about.

My IT skills are pretty rubbish and I found zoom really stressful, I also think a lot of my freinds are on it for work and are probably too tired. It’s been a lesson in a way, in the past I’ve gone the mile for people, often people aren’t in a position to do that in return...I was never particularly offended, but perhaps gave away more of myself than I should have done.

Ifonlywecouldwishuponastar Sat 23-May-20 20:41:36

Hi
I feel for you, as I am having the same.
I've been trying, to connect with friends and colleagues and people just don't respond.
I contact people and initiate conversation, to then have short responses, if people do bother replying. It's driving me crazy.
I only hear, from my family and my dh's family. Which I guess in the long run is important, but lockdown has taught me who my real friends are. Sending lots of love 💕

Whoknows11 Sat 23-May-20 20:47:20

I feel the same.
Frequently message 'friends' who forget to message me back, sometimes over a week!
I feel disheartened and forgotten but I'm determined to find new friends and hopefully a relationship once this is over.
I don't think you're on your own op, I'm sure lots of us feel like you!

Limpetlike Sat 23-May-20 20:56:31

Honestly, OP, other than the occasional text, I haven’t been in touch with my friends at all during lockdown — I’m wfh full time, doing homeschooling with DS more than DH is (his organisation is in major crisis mode, as it’s entirely reliant on large scale gatherings and he’s on calls 8 or 9 hours a day), checking on my locked-down parents, and I have a lot of other things going on. My days are very full, and I simply don’t have the energy to talk to friends.

PumpkinP Sat 23-May-20 21:35:07

Of course it’s possible, I have no friends, haven’t done since school. Now early 30s Friends are nice but you can manage without them.

Ihgnelotto Sat 23-May-20 22:15:30

Mix of responses, thank you for the kind words!

I suppose we're all different and just need to find our tribe or manage alone. I'm one of those daft fools that finds the energy for friends no matter how busy things are. I get that everyone is so bloody busy, it sadly doesn't make it feel any less lonely.

None the less perhaps it's a good time to review life. I put off moving because of friends, it's really made me think that actually, now would be a good opportunity.

BuddhaAtSea Sat 23-May-20 22:36:07

Perhaps the solution would be to actually ‘do’ something together.
I run and have been doing virtual races/park runs with some of my friends.
I have ordered some books to be delivered for some other friends and held a virtual book club.
Some of us do online Pilates with our instructor via zoom, so we do that together.
I had coffee and cake with a friend in a park nearby, we each came with our own coffee and cake.

These are strange times indeed.

MondeoFan Sat 23-May-20 22:38:51

I only have 1 real friend and even then she's not a close friend, not the type that would drop stuff for me if you know what I mean.
We chat every few days but as English isn't her 1st languages her texts are usually really short and we never speak on the phone.
I feel very lonely at times probably because of lockdown. When I'm at work I don't notice it I guess.
I've had more thinking time too and worry when my 2 DD have grown up and left the nest I will be very lonely.

SionnachGlic Sat 23-May-20 23:29:28

OP, it most likely is just this adjusted work/home life during this covid-19 time that has ppl weary at the end of the day. You cd just reach out & say you are lonely or missing the banter & see what response comes back. Your true friends will find the time.

I so enjoy my friends & cannot imagine not having them...but altho I have one or two nearby, I have several who live in different counties & countries. We email or chat on phone...often weeks/months would pass betw contacts & this is in normal times. But we pick up where we left off.

I love my friends...but no way would I not move because of them if every other factor was favouring the move...new job/better house/ preferred location...

Northernsoullover Sun 24-May-20 00:01:04

I've got quite a lovely social life, loads of friends and a partner (we are not staying together atm) and I realised over the last few weeks that I'm quite lonely too. I guess I just don't have 'best' friends. A group of us did try to zoom on a few nights but I was the only one that didn't have a prior engagement on the suggested nights shockso it was difficult to arrange.
I'm perfectly happy with my lot in normal times though. These are anything but normal.

IsolatedIzzy Sun 24-May-20 00:01:54

I think this has got harder the longer it's gone on. So at first I was constantly messaging friends etc but as the weeks have gone by my contact has dropped off. I feel like I have less to say & have got used to being in my own little bubble.
Doesn't mean I don't miss people or want to keep in touch - maybe there is an element of that with your friends as well. Don't lose heart!

Mapless Sun 24-May-20 00:38:28

I have found this thread helpful. Like you op I can always find time for friends no matter what. I recharge with people whereas most of my friends are more introverted and also are working and have children. I have sent how are you/thinking of you messages and have been blanked a couple of times by the same people. I think it's a mixture of them being extremely busy and not really wanting to reply. I have also wondered whether they don't actually value the friendship as much as I do. So that's been a tough one. On the other hand my childless friend has really been there and other people have stepped forward in small ways to be friendly. I think it is possible to manage on your own. But you may not need to longer term. Give it time.

TheStoic Sun 24-May-20 01:17:04

If you want to, and it sounds like you’ve got nothing to lose, you could try being honest and vulnerable with your friends.

Message them to say that you know everyone is struggling right now, but you’re doing it tough and could really use some help. I’ve been in my own bubble as have most people, but there is no WAY I would ignore a message like that.

So if they do, you’ll know they are not your friend.

maddy68 Sun 24-May-20 01:18:35

Friends are a two way process. Contact people don't be scared

Ihgnelotto Sun 24-May-20 08:13:27

I honestly can't bear to reach out anymore than I already have but thanks for the comments.

poppinpink Sun 24-May-20 08:57:03

Hi, I'm having exactly the same issues/ feelings with some particular people. I feel like I'm a good friend reaching out, responding etc but a lot of times it's not reciprocated. I feel very hurt and lonely. I don't know if I can move on from this after lockdown. I was just thinking yesterday that I would need to start a class or club and maybe find new friends that way. I feel my whole life I've never had a proper good friend and I feel sad about it.

Limpetlike Sun 24-May-20 09:02:55

@poppinpink, all I can say is that from my POV, it’s not reciprocated because I am firing on all cylinders every waking hour to combine a FT job with homeschooling and looking after elderly parents. It’s not unusual for me to be on Zoom meetings or work calls eight hours a day. I have nothing left to give at night. Being a ‘good friend’ to me would be respecting that I am maxed out. I haven’t gone anywhere, I am still my friends’ friend, they are still important to me, but just now it isn’t possible for me to have any significant interaction with them.

Ihgnelotto Sun 24-May-20 10:44:43

I have a couple of friends who are as busy as you limpetlike but a lot, by their own admission, who are not. Previous messages and chats (at the beginning of lockdown) have involved talking about being bored and how to keep busy! I delivered shopping to one friend who has time to chat on the doorstep whole I unloaded bags...then there is of course the dreaded Facebook with pics of 'family time' in the garden (obviously I don't look anymore).

I agree, I think it's a good time to do a review, look forward and think of places to find new friends.

Ihgnelotto Sun 24-May-20 10:50:31

...as a positive, and it may help anyone else, I did so an online course earlier in lockdown. It kept me busy and focused, I may look for anotherone to do...er obviously not suggesting that for you limpetlike it sounds like you have enough on your plate already, I hope you managed to get some downtime with a bank holiday weekend!

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