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I think I'm realising that I'm toxic for my boyfriend.

(29 Posts)
jinniefromtheblock Fri 22-May-20 18:31:16

My boyfriend is the first stable guy I've ever been with. I have only ever had toxic relationships since him, and I thought I just attracted them like flies.... only now I believe I'm just as toxic.

One of our mutual friends kept warning me to stay away from him because I'd only mess him up. She said I was way too mentally unstable for him and that I would end up emotionally cheating or getting bored. I blocked her after she said that, but now I'm convinced she's right.

She recently sent my boyfriend photos she'd taken off me, meeting up with an ex. This was back in January and she'd been holding on to them all that time. She thought it was clear proof that I'd been cheating but I wasn't.

I met with him to see how he was (he had surgery) but I never intended to get back with him. I didn't tell my boyfriend at the time (which was a big mistake) because I didn't want him to get upset. I did, however, continue to communicate with said ex (totally platonic) because we remained friends and he was always good at helping me with my anxiety - I guess you could say my ex became my therapist for a while :/

My boyfriend was upset when he found out but he believes I didn't cheat. He asked if I could stop speaking to the ex and I have. He wants to make it work with me and I do too because he's amazing.

But after our mutual friend 'caught me' and is now revelling in the fact she was right, I'm starting to think he deserves better. He must feel humiliated that all of our friends believe I cheated on him. I told them all the truth but I can tell that most of them are siding with her. She keeps telling my boyfriend to find the strength to leave me and its upsetting both of us.

He assures me he's not listening to her but I worry deep down he's conflicted. He wants to believe I'm a good person but I'm not sure if I am anymore. Maybe I'd be a good person if I let him find someone worthy.

OP’s posts: |
MeantToBeWriting Fri 22-May-20 18:33:02

How old are you all?

Your friend is not a friend.

Your boyfriend deserves to know that you're not messing about.

You shouldn't keep secrets (like meeting up with an ex) if you want a good relationship with your boyfriend.

Whathewhatnow Fri 22-May-20 18:34:05

Cut off your absolute cow of a friend. She is after your man or has other ulterior motives.

zinger Fri 22-May-20 18:35:31

So you made a mistake by not telling him you were meeting up, that doesn't make you a bad person. Your "friend" sounds like the toxic one, not you.

LexMitior Fri 22-May-20 18:35:52

Your “friend” is bad news. Stop talking to her. She likes your boyfriend and is busy trying to pry you two apart and mess with your head.

She is a nasty piece of work. Does she patronise you and say you aren’t up to having a relationship? Really shit friend.

Candyfloss99 Fri 22-May-20 18:39:15

I wouldn't say your toxic but keeping in contact with an ex and keeping it a secret from your boyfriend is not a good relationship.

TorkTorkBam Fri 22-May-20 18:41:02

Your friend is the toxic one. Get rid of her.

greengauges Fri 22-May-20 18:42:42

You are fine.

Your so-called 'friend' on the other hand... what a bitch. She is no friend of yours.

IAmReportingYouForBBQing Fri 22-May-20 18:45:15

I ate with the bite that your friend is not your friend but it's great that you are becoming more aware of your actions and the possible implications. Are you toxic? Hard to tell from one post BUT you put your ex boyfriend in the position of your therapist and that is not healthy. Your anxiety is your issue to deal with, not your partners. Your need to see your ex was more important that the need to be honest with your current boyfriend too ..... so yes I do feel based on what you said that your current set up is not a healthy one for anybody.

sonjadog Fri 22-May-20 18:52:09

Your friend sounds completely toxic. So remove her once and all from your life.

Regarding your boyfriend, going behind his back and using your ex as a therapist wasn't a nice thing to do. I think you need to think about why you did that. Surely you knew that wasn't an okay thing to do at the time? Are you going to be able to make better decisions in future? Be honest here and see if you think your boyfriend deserves better or not based on that.

SandyY2K Fri 22-May-20 18:55:36

Have you cheated on BFs in the past? Emotionally or otherwise? Do you get bored quickly?

I can only assume your Ex friend is saying these things based on your relationship history. I don't imagine she'd say it with no reason at all.

Lucifer666 Fri 22-May-20 19:01:34

@jinniefromtheblock shock First of all yes you were stupid for meeting an ex and not telling your boyfriend but we're all human and make mistakes! next time honesty is the best policy.

Secondly tell your "friend" to fuck off and mind her own business about your relationship then block her on all forms of communication she is not your friend if she was she wouldn't have done that. She's the toxic one in my opinion and the only way to handle a toxic, treacherous cunt (pardon my language) is the cut the fucker off and block them if they've no way in to get you they can't affect you smile

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Fri 22-May-20 19:05:30

"Mutual" friend... So has she known him longer than she's known you? She may have ulterior motives or she may be being a loyal friend to your BF, who you have deliberately deceived.

Your "explanation" of why you met the ex and the reason for continued contact is a walking cliche of what cheats say when they get caught.

DeeCeeCherry Fri 22-May-20 19:06:53

You need to be wiser about choosing your friends, and stop defining yourself via what they think of you. You've not even addressed why you think a 'friend' is sending photos to your boyfriend in an attempt to prove you a cheat, and sabotage your relationship. That in itself means your radar is off. As to other stuff you've mentioned you could explore those via therapy.

Lucifer666 Fri 22-May-20 19:11:11

@jinniefromtheblock I'd also like to add that I agree with a previous poster she's after your man why else would she try and make it look like you're cheating? friends don't behave like that towards other friends. And as all your other "friends" believe her cut them out and make some new ones who will have your back. I'm not surprised you have anxiety, with friends like them who needs enemies hmm. I's also suggest going to an actual counsellor for your issues it's a much healthier way than relying on your ex.

Dillo10 Fri 22-May-20 19:13:29

I know from experience that it is very difficult to transition from a toxic relationship to a healthy one...It's almost like you've never learned how to be in a proper partnership.
If you KNOW your intentions are good, are willing to learn from mistakes (i.e. meeting up with/relying emotionally on ex even in a platonic way) and your bf is willing to help you learn, then I think you have a shot.
I was similar and am now happily married and have learned alot about myself and my previous bad habits.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese Fri 22-May-20 19:14:56

Yes you made an error if judgement not telling your boyfriend. But you're not the toxic one here, that so called friend of yours is, especially when she's trying to get all your other friends on side, that's cruel. How old are you all?

Greenkit Fri 22-May-20 19:22:27

Sounds like she wants your BF and is manovering you both to break up.

She is no friend

jinniefromtheblock Fri 22-May-20 19:32:58

Thank you for the suggestions so far. I have never cheated before as I haven't really had any relationships last longer than 4 months. We're all in our mid-late 20s, but I do admit this is all quite childish.

I have stopped talking to her now, but mutual friends are still in touch. I just know they all think I'm a cheat and I'm itching to prove them otherwise. Even my boyfriend must have doubts.

I wouldn't have got back with my ex even if he tempted me because he was just too toxic (why I chose him as my 'therapist' I don't know - he just had a vast knowledge of anxiety as he experienced it too). I am actually booked into proper therapy now but it won't happen until all this is over.

OP’s posts: |
ktp100 Fri 22-May-20 19:33:53

Your 'friend' wants your man.

Probably a good idea for you both to stay away from her for a while. Her input is most definitely toxic!

TorkTorkBam Fri 22-May-20 19:33:58

You need new friends.

Vretz Fri 22-May-20 19:34:23

Talk more openly to him. He's going to be upset, and it sounds like poor judgement if anything.

B0bbin Fri 22-May-20 19:36:20

What a horrible seed she has planted in your brain (and everyone else's). Don't let her do this to you. Avoid all contact with her. She sounds like the toxic one.

Bluetrews25 Fri 22-May-20 19:37:13

Yes, she's after your bloke.

Opaljewel Fri 22-May-20 19:58:58

If you find yourself getting anxious in the meantime until you get to see your therapist (see if you can get online video therapy as an option) try head space the app, meditation on youtube and order the book the happiness trap. It all helped me with my anxiety. That book was recommended to me by my therapist. Don't be put off by the glib title.

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