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What have you been doing all day!

(18 Posts)
Ilovesleeeeep Fri 22-May-20 12:37:37

Anyone else want to kill their OH when they say this??
I'm working from home and he is still at work full time, 2 DC. I'd planned to do some hoovering at some point in the day between trying to work, look after 1yo etc but hadn't gotten around to it so when OH got home took the opportunity to hoover while he watched 1yo.
He asks me to sit down with him just as im plugging in the hoover and I say I want to get the hoovering done quick so he says 'you've had all day to do that, what have you been doing all day'.
Yes I could have gotten it done earlier if i'd timed things better but do men think we just sit at home all day doing what we like while they work!?
Just needed a minor rant...feel free to join in!

FrenchBoule Fri 22-May-20 12:50:24

Leave him with DC and let him crack on with everything

Ilovesleeeeep Fri 22-May-20 17:26:27

I wish I could, he wouldn't have a clue what to do!

AgentJohnson Fri 22-May-20 17:36:33

I wish I could, he wouldn't have a clue what to do!

Ahh, I see. You’ve enabled his cluelessness and now appear to be surprised when he broadcasts his twattery.

Okrightbut Fri 22-May-20 17:40:56

Jesus I'd want to kill mine if he did this. Luckily I'm not living with a twat. Has he always been like this? I also notice from your comment he can't look after his own children. Stop enabling this behaviour. How much of the domestic work does he do?

LexMitior Fri 22-May-20 18:32:41

He’s a grown man. He can do it. Or you can martyr yourself and post here.

I’d leave him to it. Capable of employment? Capable of shifting a Hoover.

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 22-May-20 18:35:43

You can have a moan but it won’t help you longer term. Does he not know or want to spend time with his children? Why not?

Puds11 Fri 22-May-20 18:44:41

Ffs you aren’t helping yourself by perpetuating the bullshit that he wouldn’t know what to do hmm why have kids with a person if you don’t think they’re capable of looking after them.

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Fri 22-May-20 19:18:30

I had that a lot from my ex husband when my youngest was born.

I solved it by going away for the week and returning the day before her first birthday.

Apparently, he's planned to put a load of washing on in the morning, do breakfast, play with daughter, help eldest with homework, make lunch, Hoover... how hard could it be? And then, in the evening, he had planned for various friends to come round and watch a film.

I returned to a familiar sight of jobs half done etc and a pile of laundry waiting to be put away. He hadn't seen a single friend or watched a single film and my laziness never got mentioned again wink

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Fri 22-May-20 19:20:04

Oh and more than that, he said the reality was nothing like he imagined or expected it to be and apologised for everytime he'd asked what I'd done all day.

If you want him to do more, he needs to experience it. He just can't imagine it otherwise.

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Fri 22-May-20 19:20:58

I wish I could, he wouldn't have a clue what to do!

If course he would. He'd work it out - just like you do.

Sugartitss Fri 22-May-20 20:24:20

I had three children under two and my ex, notice the ex, husband came home and said this so I fucked off to my mums for a week!

My now boyfriend will come home and help and not a word is said and the youngest is 11 so not like I’m running after toddlers all day.

Ilovesleeeeep Fri 22-May-20 20:39:46

@SunshineSmellsLikeSummer I would love to do this! I would just worry too much about how he was coping to be able to enjoy myself.
We've not been together for that long so only youngest DC is his and I do 90% of household stuff, I know I'm letting him walk all over me sometimes. Story of my life 🙄

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Sat 23-May-20 15:55:06

I would just worry too much about how he was coping to be able to enjoy myself.

Why though? Think about it. Why? Would he not bother or might he just not do things how you would do them? Sometimes women are their own worst enemies when they refuse to hand over the reins...

I went away for the week with a hobby group of mine. I loved every minute! Planned activities, workshops, pub every evening... I just reasoned that he was their parent as much as I was and he'd learn. I left a short list of simple things (like what time she usually had lunch/a nap etc but I didnt really follow a routine so it didnt matter) I just told him to do what worked best for them. And he did.

He was absolutely fine! He just genuinely hadn't imagined how quickly an entire day could disappear, how little you could get done whilst not having stopped.

In his head, I (and also he) would have plenty of time whilst she entertained herself or slept.

He even took to setting the alarm for 2 hours before she woke so he could get a head start and it made little difference.

Have to hand it to him though - he took it on the chin and had even arranged a 1st birthday party with family for her and made a cake for the day after I got back.

We worked together when I returned to get the house finished and he was really pleased he'd done it. He was a much better dad and husband afterwards.

We split up 6 years later. This is the first time I've really thought about it. Thanks for the nice memory 😊

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Sat 23-May-20 15:56:23

Oh, he is 'only' father to the youngest too, but it did wonders for his relationship with my eldest. They had a great time!

Vretz Sat 23-May-20 16:09:57

@SunshineSmellsLikeSummer is spot on from the other side.

It brings back memories of first time I was left with my eldest grin
My ex was a childcare worker so superhuman, and made me look so very amateurish. The downside was every time I did it, it was redone as not being 'good enough' or done 'wrong' hmm.

The more he does, the better he will do it, so he should be doing 50/50. You just need to accept it might not be your way or perfect, and he will think he's amazing for doing it. It's just a male thing smile

copycopypaste Sat 23-May-20 16:14:00

I why didn't you sit down, have a cuppa with him, and then get him to hoover?

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Sat 23-May-20 17:47:17

Vretz

The thing is, you get loads of chance to get things wrong and make mistakes on maternity leave. By the time you've got it sorted, the changes in their needs just happen and you adapt naturally. I can see how it really does make your evening and weekend efforts look amateurish! Or at least, how you would feel like it does.

Inthink a lot of men back off for this reason. I have a friend and he and his wife nearly split up after they had their child - she was frustrated that he wasn't doing anything and he was confused because he thought she'd just know how to do things instinctively (we had words... wink) they got it sorted in the end and he's a great dad now. But it was touch and go for a while. I suspect a few men think like him.

After my ex and I split up, he really struggled with our daughter growing up. Not the fact that she was, but in adapting how he spoke to her and treated her. She's 14 now so a young woman in many ways and he's also got it sussed.

I think it's really important for both parents to have that time alone with their children to learn and fuck up now and again - just like we all do on occasion. It's the only way you learn and build up your confidence.

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