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Somewhere for chatting about happy relationships

(153 Posts)
RoseWharf Thu 21-May-20 18:02:52

I understand that a lot of people come to this bit of Mumsnet to discuss difficult things about their relationships, and I respect that and am glad that they are able to express themselves here.

I just thought it would be fun to have a thread where those of us who are lucky enough to be in a happy relationship can chat about what's it's like and what we like about our relationships and our partners. Happy for this to be moved if it would be more appropriate for such a thread to be elsewhere.

For me, I really appreciate how supportive my DH is being. I'm in the first trimester of pregnancy so everything smells terrible and makes me vomit. DH has quietly taken over all the household chores that I can't do right now (washing up dirty plates, washing dirty clothes, cleaning up pet waste) and has gone and got all of the strange things that I've craved without complaint. I'm just so grateful that he's so decent, and like to tell him as much.

Menora Thu 21-May-20 20:01:23

People have been putting these up quite a bit lately

Do you need support with this issue? Or is this like a chat? Are you looking to make friends? Usually people post for advice so it’s hard to know how to respond to posts like this when you are not in the ‘lucky club’

Most women here are struggling which is why you don’t see many posts about how happy they are. If you appreciate your DH - tell him! I am not sure what you gain from telling Mumsnet though.

Congrats on your pregnancy

Svolvaer Thu 21-May-20 20:28:06

Maybe if done sensitively, not in a smug "look at me my life's great" way - which the OP has done, it shows those whose relationships are difficult, abusive or whatever that there is hope of meeting a decent man, that not all men are like their partner and that they have just as much chance of finding happiness as everyone else. As a survivor of an abusive relationship I know that when I was in it there didn't seem to be anything else, that was my life, it might have been reassuring to know that happy relationships were out there.

RoseWharf Thu 21-May-20 21:17:18

@Menora Mumsnet is a friendly place to have a chat, and to get support if you need it. I would be surprised if chatting about the nice things in your life was off-limits. I said in my first post that this thread could be moved if it didn't suit this topic, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

I say "lucky" in my post because I appreciate that it is luck. I have a lovely DH because I was lucky enough to meet him by chance. I don't hold myself in any higher or lower esteem than those who come here for support with relationship problems. I know that had my luck and chance been different, then I could quite easily be in the same position. I feel for them, and am glad that they have support here.

I just think it might be nice to (sensitively) chat about what it's like to have a nice partner, because nice partners exist, and I hope that this thread might give others hope that not all potential DPs out there are awful. Basically, I want to create a small happy space smile

Kona84 Thu 21-May-20 21:24:01

Even if the relationship isn’t perfect a lot can be said for highlighting the positives.

I’ll give a positive about my relationship:
My partner is trying really hard to improve his mental health, it makes me love him more that he can admit that he needs help and is letting me and other help him. As a result he’s started feeling more motivated and it feels like we are moving forward again.

TooOldForThis67 Thu 21-May-20 21:36:12

I'm with you OP. I finally (at 52) have a lovely, gorgeous, fit, funny, sensitive, caring, great with kids/pets partner - I could go on for ages about how great I think he is. It's lovely to hear you are in such a happy place and it's great to share. Others who don't appreciate this kind of post can just ignore or there may be others who want to know it is possible to be happy/content.

Sadly, I wrote this and was going to delete as I feel I will be mocked, but f*ck it, life is too short!

Menora Thu 21-May-20 22:10:44

Do you think it is patronising to feel you have to show other women how you managed to find a good relationship, maybe they will too

What about that it’s ok to be single and happy on your own, and that you make your own happiness in life, a man doesn’t complete you?

There are loads of sides to this. I just think it’s insensitive to come to a forum where there is DV and tell everyone that you are lucky

If you have something really positive to share with women about empowerment and finding happiness then that would be really useful.

Menora Thu 21-May-20 22:18:08

If you want my feedback: no I’m not jealous or bitter you are happy
I’m happy you are happy
I just think the tone of these posts is always a bit smug and self serving. If you want a happy place to talk about your partner then do so. You don’t need to dress it up as ‘helping other women’ as I don’t think it’s helpful. It doesn’t help me. I am single and nothing in these posts actually is helpful it can reiterate my lack of ‘luck’ or ‘chance’ as if there is some man lottery I haven’t won yet

Windmillwhirl Thu 21-May-20 22:20:05

The forum is relationships. It is not only for people struggling in them. The thread is also clearly labelled so its clear that this is a happy post and anyone likely to be offended doesnt have to open and read it.

I think there is a real place for these types of threads. They detail how healthy relationships work and what we should all expect and aim for.

I am glad you are happy, op. Had I read more threads like this in my earlier years I may have realised I was settling for far less than I should have.

xarmoniosox Thu 21-May-20 22:21:32

I have quite a few positives to say about the Mr, he makes me lovely poached eggs in the morning and a coffee - this was especially needed today as I was upset about work. He is talented, handsome and will fight for us even when times have been difficult.

Leafyhouse Thu 21-May-20 22:29:13

I think it's very important to talk about happy relationships. When I was growing up, I thought it was normal to have Mum complaining. 'Damn - your father will be back soon' and shouting at him the moment he walked through the door. When I saw another family where the Mum was excited that her husband would be back from work soon, and hoping he'd like the meal shed prepared, and asking about his day and laughing with him, I was agog. I'd just never seen this before. LTB isn't exactly useful advice in a lot of cases.

Qwerty543 Thu 21-May-20 22:34:30

Menora you aren't the thread police and people are allowed to discuss more than DV on here. Anyone who may be bothered is free to see it in the title what the thread is about and scroll past.

Your DH sounds like a good one OP smile. I have a good DP too. I was feeling very overwhelmed recently and when he messaged to ask how I was and I said I wasn't great, he asked what so I sent a huge list. Later on he sat down with my list and a pen and paper and went through it all. Anything he could take over or help with he wrote down and has taken off me as a thing to think/worry about.

I could write a list of all his good points but that was the most recent that really sticks in my mind.

He also knows how much I hate gardening so has taken on looking after mine. As long as I take him drinks and snacks ocassionally, he's happy to do it (he doesn't love doing it himself) purely because it makes me happy.

SleepingStandingUp Thu 21-May-20 22:44:54

I just think it’s insensitive to come to a forum where there is DV and tell everyone that you are lucky but surely then the same applies if I'm here moaning that DH has refused to do the washing up all week or spends too much time on his computer. Is it insensitive to come on this forum and moan about him being a low level dick where there is women suffering dv on here?

Menora Thu 21-May-20 22:54:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Windmillwhirl Thu 21-May-20 23:00:01

my opinion is that it is a shame that women helping other women involves still talking about men

It's a relationships forum. This is precisely the place to talk about it.

KellyHall Thu 21-May-20 23:00:29

Well done op, I love positivity!

After a few weeks of turbulent adjustment, DH is now a fully fledged house husband (whilst furloughed) - he even hung up the washing today, he he he!

Before covid, I was a part-time worker/part-time housewife. I'm a key worker and my workload has gone through the roof so we've basically swapped roles. I'd had 3 years to get used to our old normal, dh has had 9 weeks and is doing really well.

emmylousings Thu 21-May-20 23:24:56

I think you are right OP, we should have threads about happy relationships; otherwise how are we supposed to understand what we think they should be like?
I am sure I am not alone; I look on here sometimes and think 'thank god that's not my relationship', but mine isn't perfect either.
One thing we could appreciate is that at some point, all the posters on here would probably have said their relationship was good, but they change over time. My parents have been together nearly 50 years and I have seen the ups and downs. Big style.
We can be positive about our good relationships without being smug.

GoGoGone Fri 22-May-20 00:18:54

I find it helpful. I read so many post of so many women in relationships with such terrible men, or worse, with men who were great until they got bored and started playing away and it makes me wonder how I can trust properly in relationships.

I try to remind myself that no one posts on the relationships board to say "my partner is so lovely, this is the lovely thing he did today" because well, it probably is a bit smug and annoying!

Without occasional positive posts though it it's hard to remember that this board is very often the very worst of relationships (although the best advice) and not a reflection on all relationships anywhere.

Anyway... my DP is actually really lovely. Can't imagine a better match for me. He's definitely a keeper!

mrwalkensir Fri 22-May-20 00:30:34

I had a truly shitty childhood - vey abusive and only just surfacing at 50+ years old. I met my best beloved at 19. He's been the consistent core to my sanity. That's not his being male or my being smug - I'd be dead if it wasn't for his support. And we laugh. A lot. Every day. @menora - that most are male for women is just that life is 90% hetero.

flowerbombVR Fri 22-May-20 00:33:48

I do think these posts are helpful for clarity.

dazzlinghaze Fri 22-May-20 00:51:51

I agree that it's helpful to see posts like this. I spent 4 years in a shite relationship with a man that made no effort, didn't make me laugh and didn't make me happy and I genuinely believed that was normal. I thought all people felt this way about their partners. I thought relationships were supposed to be stressful and constantly about getting through hard times.

I'm with a man now who has become my best friend. He is kind and patient and never makes me feel like I'm a chore in his life. He never makes me wonder how he feels about me. He makes me laugh every day and really adds to my life. I thank God every day that I found out my ex had cheated on me because it gave me the shove I needed to leave him.

When I was dithering over whether to take my ex back I read a thread like this and someone mentioned that after years of marriage they still felt excited when they heard their DH's key in the door and it made me think "I want that and I could have it but not with this man I'm with". So yeah I think there is definitely a place for threads like these!

FairyLights2 Fri 22-May-20 00:58:44

I actually believe @Menora has a point. While I'm in a happy relationship, I wouldn't talk about it so openly in front of people who are sharing their struggles with their relationships. I mean would you talk about your wealth to a poor person? Would you celebrate your pregnancy to a woman who just suffered a miscarriage? Would you talk about happiness in front of someone who is clinically depressed?

You see, you have to be mindful of the audience. That doesn't mean you can't share your happiness, it just means you have to be mindful of the stage.

Now I believe OP had good intentions because she even suggested posting it somewhere else. Maybe those of you who are saying something positive about your OH can also mention something challenging you overcame as a couple? Then it becomes less of a "look how lucky I am" and more of, "Yes, my relationship is good but like with anything in life, you have to work at it and here some useful tips/tools." That way people can be happy for you and can learn something along the way.

I'll begin by saying that my OH used to upset me by not being punctual. I got over it by being more flexible with time and arriving much later than him smile

AllForeverAtOnce Fri 22-May-20 03:23:11

I agree, in that it's probably not best to come onto a thread where someone is struggling and start gushing about all the fantastic things in your life, but on a thread of its own-why not? Whats the issue?

Life is full of so many feelings, situations and relationships, of course we should talk about all aspects of them, the more open and honest we all can be, the better for us and future generations in understanding and actually making decent relationship and life choices.
As long as it's clear in the title you then have the choice to take part or not.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 22-May-20 03:32:22

I spent the afternoon dealing with a family that has no concept of a normal, happy family life. Screaming, swearing, threatening, lying and just horrible behaviour. When we debriefed afterwards one of the conclusion was that she (mum) had no idea there was a different way to be. She doesn't believe there are kind, helpful men who don't threaten you. Her whole childhood and adult life is like that and her children are experiencing the same.

It IS important to say that there are happy homes. That there are families who don't scream, "just kill yourself" at each other. That my DH is nice. Not perfect but nice and I have never ever felt unsafe in his presence. From him, or anyone else.

It's not smug, it's public service.

Windmillwhirl Fri 22-May-20 05:43:21

It IS important to say that there are happy homes. That there are families who don't scream, "just kill yourself" at each other. That my DH is nice. Not perfect but nice and I have never ever felt unsafe in his presence. From him, or anyone else.

My parents split when I was young and my mother never dated anyone while I was growing up. My father went on to date numerous women (often together) and we were told to go along with his lies.

I had no real understanding of a healthy relationship (not even on TV as it was pretty useless 40 years ago).

I really wish I had as I'd have known how good it could be and what I should hold out for.

I sometimes feel a bit gushy about my partner and the sweet things he does. But I am allowed to be. I waited a long time to find someone that treats me so well.

I'd never go back to expecting less for myself after this. For me personally a healthy relationship is a lot more than just something to be smug about.

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