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New relationship predicament. End one, start one? I don’t know.

(11 Posts)
Allthegoodonesaretaken20 Thu 21-May-20 13:57:15

I’ve been seeing a man since January. All was fine. He seemed kind and thoughtful and I enjoyed his company. One issue- he suffers from ED. I thought this could be something we might be able to get through and might not be a huge deal. I had the conversation with him that sex is important to me and when he manages it it’s bloody brilliant! He’s quite overweight which he knows is an issue In terms of health and said he’d make an effort to lose a bit. I brought up speaking to a GP and perhaps trying medication while he was adjusting his lifestyle. His weight isn’t an issue to me in terms of attraction. I quite like a bigger bloke, but as I said, sex is important to me. I worded it sensitively and made it very clear that I really really wanted to have sex with him! He was the one who brought up his weight being a contributing factor to the ED and I was encouraging of the suggestions he made to do something about it.

Fast forward to now... During lockdown he has barely spoken to me, won’t FaceTime and doesn’t call. Conversation all conducted via social media and just mundane “how are you” type chit chat but then he gets annoyed if I don’t respond within a timeframe he finds acceptable. He doesn’t seem to be doing any exercise or cutting back on the takeaways which just tells me he doesn’t really value having a sex life as much as I do. His talk is also quite depressing. He has a very defeatist attitude and I feel low after speaking to him. He is quite patronising a lot of the time (don’t think this is deliberate, just how he talks). He’s also said some quite upsetting things to me and doesn’t seem to be bothered that it has hurt me and will just be sweetness and light a few days later. It’s very confusing.

I’m trying to be patient, but honestly it’s wearing me down and I just don’t see the point.

Now to make matters even more confusing... I have a good friend who is also an ex. I finished it because the timing was wrong. I was starting a new career and buying a house and just felt he deserved more than I could offer at the time. We’ve stayed on friendly terms ever since and have both had a couple of flings but nothing serious. Throughout lockdown he has been in touch regularly to check I’m okay and that I have everything I need for me and my children. We’ve been talking quite a lot and it’s really lifted my spirits.

He’s made it clear over the last week or so that he’s still in love with me and to be honest I feel the same. My life has changed a lot over the past year I’m ready for something real with someone who values me as much as I do them. He has always been a good friend to me and we have been supportive of each other and have fun together!

I just feel really guilty about the other man and I’m not quite sure why...

Sorry it’s a long one but didn’t want to drip feed!

OP’s posts: |
Malone98 Thu 21-May-20 14:49:28

I can see why, when you are in the middle of it, it would feel like you are stuck in the middle of a really unfortunate situation...

However, from an outsider's perspective, I can't see that there are currently any redeeming features in favour of Mr January. He may have been lovely before lockdown but if he is being so crappy towards you now, I can't see that you have much of a future. Of course, lockdown is hitting people differently, and maybe you need to try to have a frank conversation with him about how he feels things are and what you would be expecting. If he isn't interested in even having a serious conversation, you have no need to feel guilty!

As for your ex, if everything ended amicably the first time and you both have feelings for each other still, why not give it another shot (if you end things with Mr January)? If it ended because of characteristics you couldn't stand, or unreasonable behaviour, I wouldn't try it, but that's just me.

Good luck xx

Allthegoodonesaretaken20 Thu 21-May-20 15:12:07

Thanks Malone! No it wasn’t unreasonable behaviour or anything like that with the ex. It was just really unfortunate timing. When I felt settled enough to start dating again I didn’t say anything to him because I felt like I’d already messed him around the first time so just tried to move on and stay friends.

With Mr. January I just think if he’s being like this now what would I have to look forward to months or years down the line?

OP’s posts: |
hydroxychloroquinegate Thu 21-May-20 15:14:33

Yes, this is a no-brainer op. Ditch the ED guy and rekindle things with the ex. Read your own post - it's obvious you are doing this out of sympathy for him. Time to think about you.

Allthegoodonesaretaken20 Thu 21-May-20 15:53:00

Ah hydroxychloroquinegate I think that’s it. I feel a bit sorry for him. Sometimes I feel like he’s trying which makes me feel bad for him then other times I just feel like he doesn’t give a shit and in fact he sounds a bit resentful of me with some of the comments he makes.

OP’s posts: |
AgentJohnson Thu 21-May-20 16:39:00

Why are you being so patient with Mr January? If sex is as important to you as you keep saying it is, why are wasting time with someone who isn’t bothered?

userabcname Thu 21-May-20 16:46:07

I think it's fair to call time on Mr January. Added to the ED, if he's patronising and hurtful it really doesn't seem worth pursuing. Ex could be worth a shot if you feel past issues are resolved.

MMmomDD Thu 21-May-20 16:46:50

An overweight guy with ED who you barely know and who has been distant and non-supportive in these difficult times
VS
A guy you have had a connection to, I am presuming no issues with sex, who is there for you when it counts....

I can see the dilemma 😂🤷🏻‍♀️😂

putastrawunderbaby Thu 21-May-20 16:48:59

Mr January is dragging you down. Let him go

Allthegoodonesaretaken20 Thu 21-May-20 17:08:47

MMmomDD It seems so obvious when you put it like that! It’s hard to see when it’s you. I’d say exactly the same as you have if one of my friends said what I have said so I suppose I should take my own advice!

OP’s posts: |
MMmomDD Fri 22-May-20 01:19:03

I think people sometimes want to ‘save’ others - and women are often that way. It feels like we have something special with the people we ‘save’.
Except he doesn’t wants to be saved.

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