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May need to divorce, confused

(38 Posts)
AR2013 Wed 20-May-20 22:58:45

I am in a difficult situation now and any suggestion is very much appreciated.

I have been with my H for 10 years and have two kids 6 and 7. We met online and when really met, I felt him responsible and honest so a few months later I moved to his town after graduation. At that time, we were tight on budget and I was new to the city so we chose to live together which is really wrong when looking back. Why? Because we lived together but I did not feel I was ready to have sex with him. In this case, we should have lived separately but we did not. With time went by, we tried to have sex , but each time, I was nervous and felt painful. I didn't have sex before and he did but just a few times. As a result, this kind of situation lasted for a long time. During this time, I found he contacted other girls and being flirty. I confronted him and he said he would not do again. Anyway, we got married bit still had problem having sex. It was not a nice experience for both of us. I was always anxious and he always felt turned down and frustrated. Finally, we made it and then we had children. During my pregnancy, he met other girls and ons a few times. I only found out this a few years later. After I gave birth to the 1st kid, he always blamed me and complained I don't know what he needs and asked to divorce. My parents were around helping me with the baby and they were heart broken. Both my and his parents felt we should not separate esp. the baby was so young so after consideration, we decided to carry on. Then soon I had the baby 2, and life seems to be busier and more stressful. I did not go to work since pregnancy and now it has been 7 years. During these year, he went to meet other girls and also found sex workers. We rarely had sex. I am not keen but I could if he ask for it. But he did not. He even did not look at me when talking to me. For about one year time, he used some very hurting words when talking to me. Nobody had ever talked to me that way in my whole life. I felt sad frustrated and I did not feel being loved. I don't mind working on our telationship but his attitude and behaviour made a barrier in my heart. I felt reluctant and felt he did not deserve it.

Then so many years past. From last year, he started using tinder etc to date and told me he missed so much in his life both on sex and in people interaction and determined to get it back. He believes this is not something he could find in me. I have been looking after kids for 7 years. I feel he look down upon me. I told him I sacrificed for the family and he said I did not have a job so all I could do is to look after the kids. There was no sacrifice.

We will move in August, he said I move with the kids and he want to be alone for some time. Maybe he will come back maybe he will leave. He also said he wanted to divorce. Only by doing this, could he improve himself and be better. The family restrain him from being a new self. He said he could not feel any motivation if staying with me because we did not match. I could not motivate him to be a better self. He also mentioned even if we don't separate, it will be an open marriage.

Now, I am thinking what I should do.

If he wants to divorce, can I have the children? What if he wants both or just one? I love them very much. They both want to be with me.

If I bring up the kids, how much I might get from our assets? He said half but I don't have a job and it's hard to find a job with two kids without some financial support.

They are in private school now. Will they be able to be in private school if my H says no. He did say he could not send them private after divorce.

Life looks hard for me as a single mum with two kids plus no job. I am thinking to to get a job. Any other suggestions are deeply appreciated.

OP’s posts: |
TomNook Wed 20-May-20 23:04:14

He sounds a tit. Go to see a solicitor.

MMmomDD Thu 21-May-20 01:06:40

It’s a terribly unhappy situation for all of you.
I am guessing there are some cultural family pressures you both have/had that made this marriage happen and last this long.
Sadly - there clearly is a mismatch on the physical level and the two of you shouldn’t have never stayed together. He needs to be with someone who is more compatible with him sexually. And you need to figure out what you need, I don’t think you have ever had a chance to do so.

To answer your questions - and I’ll presume you are in the UK.
Neither of you can ‘keep’ the children. They have two parents and even if you divorce both parents will have a right to see them, spend time with them.
It sounds like he isn’t trying to ask for half of their time - so most likely he’ll be Ok with what often happens in these situations - kids will be with you Mon-Fri and spend alternate weekends with him.
He can decide not to pay for their private school. His money, his decision.

You will get half of all assets. He’ll have to pay child maintenance. And if there is enough money - you may get some spousal maintenance for a bit, while you get some training to re-enter job market. Often courts would give you until your kids go to secondary school - so till they are 11-12.

Only you can decide if you want to stay with him if he decides he doesn’t want to divorce. You already are living in an open marriage. For years already, so nothing much would change. However - it’s worrying that he isn’t treating you with respect.
If you decide to stay with him - and he may well he persuaded by his family not to divorce - I’d insist that he treated you like a partner.

AR2013 Thu 21-May-20 07:34:25

Thank you very much MMmumDD.

I am not happy these years but did not leave him.

I prefer he could share half time with kids because I also need my own time to find a job so in the long term we three have a better chance to survive. If he goes to another city or even another country, the situation will be complicated and he will not be able to share the parental responsibility.

He punched me hard on my arm yesterday and I have a big bruise there. It was so painful that I had to ask my elder son for help. It was not the first time he did it. I called my GP and mentioned the bruise to the receptionist when booking an appointment. I was not able to pick up the call when my GP called me because it was not convenient to talk. I am thinking to report to the police but because of the virus I chose not to go to the police station at the moment.

It is really hard to cope with these. I need to help the kids with all schoolwork online, all the house work plus the very sad and uncertain situation. My parents are not around and I did not tell them much because I did not want them to worry plus my grandma is ill in hospital and they are busy looking after her.

I am not sure now if what he tells me is true. I used to trust him completely. The kids are so young. I am all by myself.

OP’s posts: |
AR2013 Thu 21-May-20 07:35:58

Thanks TomNook. I do feel helpless so will try to get professional advice but am worried about the cost.

OP’s posts: |
TomNook Thu 21-May-20 07:39:38

Your kids are at private school. I’m sure you can afford it

NoHardSell Thu 21-May-20 07:41:26

Are there cultural issues at play here as well? Are you based in the UK?
Definitely tell your GP about the violence and have a record of the bruise. That is absolutely not acceptable in any circumstances.
As for the open marriage and other unhappiness, you can choose to accept it or you can leave. I don't see a third option of him deciding to become the man you want. Very sorry. You will be just fine though, as you are so used to doing things by yourself. You sound a strong, capable person raising a lovely family.

AR2013 Thu 21-May-20 08:12:55

I should have enough to pay but thinking about the future, a single mum with two young boys, I really need to manage my finance properly. I will ask how much it might cost. Thanks smile

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AR2013 Thu 21-May-20 17:46:34

Thanks. You are right. I am used to do things by myself. I love my kids very much and they are my world. Unfortunately, I failed in the exam which is called marriage and put myself in a very awkward situation. My H said he may want to take the elder son with him which made me worried. I want the two kids grow up together. He said because I don't work if he wants the custody I have no chance.

OP’s posts: |
EvenMoreFuriousVexation Thu 21-May-20 18:17:36

"He said because I don't work if he wants the custody I have no chance"

Lol. No. That is NOT how it works. He is trying to baffle you with bullshit and hope you fall for his lies and through fear just roll over and let him have his own way.

If you are in the UK, please contact Women's Aid for help making a plan to leave safely. This man is violent and there is help available for you. If you are BAME you can also contact Sothall Sisters for help navigating the cultural pressures from family etc.

This man is a horrible bully and you and your children deserve better.

Hoggleludo Thu 21-May-20 18:20:48

I think the private school might be out

Unless you can afford the fees on your own?

AR2013 Fri 22-May-20 19:03:00

Thanks Evenmorefuriousvexation, I am in the UK.

I will have a read of the website and see what I could do. To be honest, I am very happy with the kids and do not mind not seeing him. I don't mind myself suffering but I am thinking how to make my kids grow up happily with such a bad role model. Boys need daddy. They both don't want to talk to him and try to avoid him. I am worried about their mental health.

OP’s posts: |
AR2013 Fri 22-May-20 19:21:43

You are right Nohardsell. He said yesterday either divorce or open marriage. Divorce would be hard for both of us he said. And he does not mind open marriage. By open marriage, he means I live with the kids and he live on his own. He will come support when I need or over the weekend. He said in this case, we both are independent and have our own life, not interfering each other.

Over the years, he insists current situation is my fault, I did not improve myself to be attractive to him. He likes the childlike girls who like to have fun, who really need him and look upon on him, etc. I look after the home well and the kids well. He hasn't cooked for years. But he has been online chatting or face to face dating different girls. This is what he does every night upstairs. He is looking for long relationship and start a new life. I learned this from online chat record.

I feel it's like a joke. I wish I could be like him, shift all blames to the other person. For me, the problem needs to be solved by both. He said there is no solution and does not want to go to counseling because he knows what the problem is and knows what the doctor will say.

OP’s posts: |
AR2013 Fri 22-May-20 19:27:50

MMmumDD, he said we are not in open marriage because we live together and I haven't agreed he meet and have sex with others. Open marriage is I agree so he has full freedom and does not feel guilty.

OP’s posts: |
Shouldbedoing Fri 22-May-20 19:31:43

He's really talking rubbish to make you.stay and cook and clean and.make.him.look like an upstanding father and man.
In fact he's physically and emotionally abusing you. Did the terrible word begin with c and end with t? Honestly, speak to Women's Aid, or email them, and show the doctor that bruise. Print off this thread to show to.the GP if you cannot say things out loud . He is lost without you.. You have so.much power. You just need to.believe it and find the old you.

AR2013 Fri 22-May-20 19:32:40

Hogoludo, I think if he does not support, it will be hard. But I can find a job and life always has hope. I hope my boys are strong and brave. I just feel so sorry that I did not do better

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Glendaruel Fri 22-May-20 19:47:36

My experience of separation was a lot easier than yours, but I hope this advice helps.

"That I did not do better" a marriage is made of two people, both need to work together to make it work. When I left I was so under confident I blamed myself. Relationships run there course, some are 1year others 70 years, it varies.

Second was conversation I had with a reverend. I was first divorcee in family and struggled. He said what is worse in the eyes of god, to live your life as a lie, or admit things are not right and make the most of the life he has given you. While I'm not of faith, I have always thought of his words and have built a life in proud of and confident in.

AR2013 Fri 22-May-20 19:49:44

I have one question. How should I explain to the kids we three live together which has never happened before.

At the moment, they are very happy to go with me because they don't like him arguing with me and also shout at them esp. after they saw the bruise on me but they are very young maybe when we really move out, they will ask and expect four people in the house.

What can I do to make sure the boys will be fine for this hard time? I am already not a successful wife. I want to be a good mum.

OP’s posts: |
Elieza Fri 22-May-20 20:08:17

Get in touch with womens aid. They are really good and know about circumstances like yours.

He just wants you to stay at home so he can drop in on you whenever he feels like it and have you cook for him and do his washings, play with the kids and then he can leave and go to wherever he wants to have sex with call girls. You may want to date in due course (not all relationships include sex) a d you can’t do that living in his house. You both need your own pads.

That way it looks to neighbours and your families like you are still together as they see him there so nobody has the ‘shame’ of divorce.

It’s rubbish.

You only have one life. You are not happy either if you. He likes sex. You don’t. You are not compatible.

An open relationship is generally where two people live in the house together but have sex with whomever they want and the other one is totally ok with it. If you (Unlikely I know but just go with it for a second) wanted to have sex with another man do you think he’d agree? No chance. He’d go off his head that you, his possession and housekeeper/unpaid nanny would shame him like that. You are his alone.
He does not want an open relationship. He just wants to shag around while you stay home. That’s not fair.

You need to see a lawyer. It is likely the house will be sold and the money split. You can then use your half to buy a smaller house. He can do whatever he wants with his. You will need to decide what you would like to do for a job and get training. It may take a while but then you will be able to apply for jobs and hopefully get one you like locally.
If your husband wants to pay for the kids to go to school he can. If not they will go to a free state school. His choice.
He may help you financially while you train. You can speak to your lawyer. Or you may need to apply for benefits.

Whatever happens you can’t stay with him as he is nasty and you are both incompatible.

You will be a good mum if you show the kids a good example of not putting up with his poor treatment if you. Women should be valued and respected. You deserve to be happy.

AR2013 Fri 22-May-20 20:19:55

I will get in touch with womenaid, thanks Shouldbedoing

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AR2013 Fri 22-May-20 20:29:49

Thanks Elliza.

I mentioned today I may want to go out over bank holiday. He said we still live together so I should not go, wait after we move out. When we live separately, if I need to go out, he could come to look after the kids.

I feel like what he is planning is he has full freedom without losing anything financially plus I look after the kids most of the time.

OP’s posts: |
Elieza Fri 22-May-20 23:51:27

Yeah totally, and also if he ‘comes round‘ to watch the kids he is effectively making sure you don’t bring a man home with you. He’s there waiting to make sure you are still his possession.

If he’s not mentioned any plans with you and agreed you would watch the kids this weekend, then you should be able to go out if you want. It’s not like you’re messing up his plans. However he won’t want you to go out as he will lose control of you. He wants you to only do things he allows. You aren’t allowed to have thoughts or feelings of your own. He has to decide what you are allowed to do.

Lots of posts on MN talk about the Freedom Programme. And also books, is one called Why Does He Do That. And others. They get good reviews. But make sure he doesn’t see you reading such things as he won’t be able to handle that. I’m always wary of guys who are used to being controlling because when they lose control they can get violent. Even the calm ones. They can’t handle it.

BumbleBeee69 Fri 22-May-20 23:58:37

He still wants complete control over you.. stop this right now... seek good professional legal advise and retain the best Lawyer you can.. and tell that Lawyer everything.. be honest.. flowers

p.s. he sounds like a Twat ... you are well rid

AR2013 Sat 23-May-20 08:29:39

Thanks Bumblebeee69. It looks like he believes I don't want to and date to divorce so he take advantage of it.

OP’s posts: |
BumbleBeee69 Sun 31-May-20 19:58:11

how are you OP flowers

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