Can't get another man out of my head...

[namechange5671]

I've been in a relationship with my current partner for 7 years. We have had a LOT of ups and downs and for the past few years I can't lie it's been mostly downs! We aren't married but we own a house together. There are a lot of good things in our relationship but we just haven't focused on those for a long long time.

Anyway background to this story - about 10 years ago I met a guy through friends who at first I fancied the pants off. We became really good friends as we were in the same circle. I'm sure he liked me too but for some reason we just friend zoned each other, especially as I started a different relationship. We still have each other on social media and he still likes a lot of my posts etc still but we haven't spoken properly since just before I started seeing my current partner. As we got older the 'circle' we shared broke up a little so this is why we don't see each other anymore.

During the happy times I forget this guy completely. But every time I'm going through a rough patch, I think about this other guy constantly. I know it sounds strange but he's my ideal man in so many ways. Me and my parter decided to split about 2 weeks ago but now my partner is grovelling back. I still love him of course but part of me is done with our relationship and I cannot stop thinking about this other guy AGAIN!

Why after 10 years can I not forget about him? I really really liked him and sickeningly part of me thinks I still do.... and I only think about this as much as I do because I know he used to like me too.

What is going on in my head? I would never leave my current partner because of someone I haven't spoken to in 7 years properly - or leave my partner for ANYONE else! I should be trying as hard as my partner is to make things work but I'm infatuated with another guy... help!

[Bunnymumy]

Could you be experiencing the '7 year itch' ?

Also, are you the same person you were ten years ago? Of course not. You dont even know this guy anymore. You said it yourself,you haven't even chatted with him in 7 years.

You've also built him up to be some fantasy character in your mind. He farts in bed just like your partner too you know xD

How to move past it? Deleting him from your social media would be a good start.

[namechange5671]

@Bunnymumy agreed no but we weren't kids when we knew each other back then, I don't think either of us has changed much, other than both got better jobs, own houses and him a few greys!

I don't think it's the 7 year itch.... I really don't know what it is! I feel like I should be giving it all to my relationship BUT I have done that for yearssss only for no improvement and my mind is/has always been clouded by this guy.

Part of me feels there is this huge unfinished business with this other bloke - I've bumped into him a few times over the years some quite recent and it's like we never stopped talking... there's a weird chemistry between us (and no nothing has ever happened). I can't explain it.

[Cuddling57]

You need to treat your current relationship as if he the other guy doesn't exist.
So would you get back with your partner or happy to split, even with no potential new boyfriend?
You have built up the other guy in your head to be ideal for you and someone you want. No one is perfect and he won't be. You could be majorly disappointed. It happens to a lot of people, but you need to get a grip!

[downtheplug]

You have fallen for the ideal man.

But, he is in your imagination, you have idealised him, and that person is a figment of your imagination.

Reality never matches up to fantasy.

Remember that, and then plan your next move.

[namechange5671]

@downtheplug @Cuddling57 I definitely haven't built him to be the perfect guy, and I don't ever expect or plan on being with him. I don't know what I feel about him.

I don't for one minute think he's better than my other partner. There's just something about him I can't move on from.

[namechange5671]

When I said ideal man I mean he's a nice guy, got a good job, his own house, he's very attractive etc.

However he's early 30s and never had a long term relationship... I think his longest was just over a year. He has traveled about a lot with his job which is maybe why. He also does a lot of holidaying with friends. Not saying there is anything wrong with this but I'm certainly not panting him to be my dream guy. On paper my current parter is but things have gone spur between us and he has little respect for me these days. I agree with what everyone says about getting a grip. I'm not sure what answers I wanted - just don't know why I feel like there this unfinished business with this other bloke!

[Opaljewel]

You only have one life op.

If you don't want to get back with your ex partner then don't. It sounds like it has run it's course.

Then you are free and single to do whatever you like... deal with this first.

[HalloumiSalad]

I think once a spark is lit it stays a lit fuse until it runs it's course. This one never got past ignition so it has never run it's course and remains as 'potential' just hanging in the air.
I have had a couple of people come into my life to whom this would apply. My mind occasionally visits them, almost in a sliding doors kind of way, what would our could it have been. It doesn't plague me though because I'm happy in the relationship I have.
I think you need to get in or out of your current relationship based on its own merits and then when you're situation is committed one way or the other the waters will be less muddy and you can take a fresh look at whether your head/heart wants you to take another look at the other guy.

[MMmomDD]

It’s a fantasy and escapism, OP.
This is what’s going on.
When you real life relationship is not going well - your mind finds a solution - gets you to dream about something/someone else.
It’s nice to have this idea that there is this special someone in our lives and if only circumstances where different, etc.
I have someone like that. It feels good.

But in reality - back in the day when you were around each other - the chemistry you talk about wasn’t enough for either one of you to make a move. So friends you were, friends who liked each other but didn’t want to date.

So - your current relationship does seem to be over. Sorry.
The fantasy of the other guy can help you through the breakup. Just don’t get too attached to it.

[namechange5671]

@HalloumiSalad you hit the nail on the head there!

@MMmomDD you are completely right. I think I'm not over it is because he did actually used to make a move all the time, the way he messaged me was so flirt and I just ignored it! - I'm not sure why I pushed it away because I genuinely really liked him. I then started a relationship with someone in the circle of friends we had so of course that was us just friends. I then moved away and split with that guy so there was another reason why nothing happened. Then I met someone else.

I know that sounds totally ridiculous over analysing all the stoppers as to why we never made a move!

[MMmomDD]

More importantly, OP - you are using these memories as hope that there is something/someone out there that will make you happier than you are now.
And there may well be.
Just unlikely that it’s this man.

If a guy is into you - he’ll make it known and try to ‘get’ you. Similarly - if you were really j to him back in the day - you’d not be getting into different relationships.

What you two had was mostly friendship with a connection and some chemistry. But not enough to want to have a relationship.
And now years have passed and there isn’t any momentum anymore.

It appears clear that you are a ‘relationship’ person and like to be in a couple. While he likes his freedom - as demonstrated by his lack of relationships over the years.
He isn’t waiting for you, he is living his life the way he chooses to.
If you break up now and find him - most that would happen is you’ll reconnect and have a fling.
Then you’ll want to be a couple and he’ll do what he (probably) always does - and it’ll w d in tears. Yours.

So - in your place I’d really rather try to sort out your life.

[namechange5671]

@MMmomDD I agree with every single thing you've said!

Like I've said, I'm not planning on being with this guy - you summed it up when you said that shop has sailed though!

He has had relationships but never for long and he's always talked about wanting to be in a relationship. Surely a bloke in his mid/early 30s is going to want to settle down at some point? Especially when most of his friends aged partners and are married with kids? You can't holiday with your friends forever we all grow up don't we?

[MMmomDD]

There is nothing ‘surely’. Not everybody settles down.
Women tend to want to, and it’s driven by biology and timing of our fertility.
Men don’t quite have that.
He can spend another 10-15 years living this way and then still have a kid. Or not.

Don’t fixated on him.

[namechange5671]

@MMmomDD deep down I'm just trying to convince myself that there is something wrong with the guy, he can't commit he's a 'player' the likes just so I can stop fantasising about him!

[milcmxxx]

You only live once, don’t spend your life wondering what if. If you k ew you current partner couldn’t get another woman out of his head how would it make you feel? I’m probably naive or whatever but I really think you should never settle for anything less than real love!! And I think when you find it it shouldn’t ever fizzle out. If I were in your situation I’d stay single fora little while and figure out what it is you want, if you get back with current partner you’re still going to maybe wonder what if. You will make the right choice ❤️❤️❤️

[starfish18]

I no now u feel Hun...I've been with my husband nearly 9 years and we have a beautiful son and home...since the start of lockdown I haven't felt myself and started to think about someone I met before I met my husband...I don't no if it's due to lockdown and my mind has been overthinking things but all I could think was 'what if' and 'why didn't I give him more of a chance'...I am happy but have felt me and my husband are more like friends as obviously all our time is on our little boy so we don't really get us time especially with the lockdown situation...my husband can be quite negative and moody (can't we all be) and it does get me down...the problem is obviously I have no idea how the other lad feels and I no he is with someone and they now have 2 children so I don't want to be a home wreaker...I'm seeing how we go but at least there's no children involved...u need to do what's best for u and what makes u happy and go for it as u only live once...I worry about regretting decisions I've made xx

[Dery]

Every decision we make opens some doors and closes others and that applies to relationships as much as to everything else. I think it's best to assume that you didn't give this other man more of a chance at the time because at that time - when he was available in reality rather than through fantasy - there were good reasons for not doing so. Something about him at the time put you off doing so.

Also, I think the excitement wears off in any relationship in time (it's hard to get very excited about your day to day reality even if you're enjoying it) and if you'd settled down with this other man, you may well be feeling the same about him as you now feel about your partner.

It's in long term relationships that the foundations become particularly important i.e. are you able to be open and honest with each other, do you basically care for and respect each other, do you feel safe with your partner, do you still find things to talk about even after years together, do you still enjoy spending time together, do you have similar values, do you feel you are growing together, if possible: do you still enjoy physical intimacy?

There are bound to be some ups and downs in the journey and there are times when my DH and I feel profound irritation with each other, but I assume that would be the case with anyone I had been with for 20+ years! And the positives most definitely outweigh the negatives.

But if of course the relationship does not provide the foundations you need for long-term contentment, it may well be time to move on. But as PP have said - make it about you, not the OM because he's probably a mirage.

[MashedSpud]

The main thing to focus on is the fact you said your relationship has been down more than up in the last two years.

Take some time for yourself to decide what you want.

[namechange5671]

@starfish18 oh bless you. I hope you make the right choice 💕💕

@milcmxxx you are totally right! I know I'd be heartbroken I don't for one minute feel like I am good person for feeling this way. I totally forget about him when things are good with my partner but when we verge split, I go straight back to thinking about this other bloke.

Someone said like a mirage - this is completely how it is. But at the same time it's not because I'm trying to find so many things wrong with this guy to put me off him! Yeah he's got a lot of things going for him but he works unsocial hours and seems more interested in holiday with friends than settling down. Which to me in your 30s is a no no in what I look for in a man.

The whole situation with the way I feel about him makes no sense

[milcmxxx]

Aw I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad about it! You’re human and sometimes we really can’t help how we feel, doesn’t make us bad people at all. If you verge on split often maybe it’s not meant to be or maybe you need to figure out what you both want :)

[RestaurantoffBroadway]

If you're not getting your needs met in the current relationship you are filling the gap with fantasy. If you aren't married and don't have kids why not just split up?

[namechange5671]

@milcmxxx no don't be silly, no need to be sorry! It is awful for me to be thinking about someone else. I know how I'd feel if it was the other way around.

@RestaurantoffBroadway you probably aren't wrong... we did split 2 weeks ago and then my other half made a drastic Change and bless him now he's really trying. I am maybe thinking too little too late though.