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What to do, where to go from here?

(28 Posts)
SMJYellow Wed 20-May-20 20:47:58

I live at home with my mother. We usually get on well. I have a brother living at home too. He went out last weekend and stayed with his friends. He came home on the Sunday. He went to bed on Sunday evening. He is still in bed, today on Wednesday. It wasn't the first time he went out for days on end, came home and went to bed for days on end.

Anyways I got up early this morning, and started on my morning routine before work. Just as I was finishing breakfast, my mother was getting up from bed. She came down to the kitchen and she asked me if he got up last night? She me that when I was finishing breakfast and food went down the wrong way. I answered to the best of my ability and I said I don't know. Anyways, she launched right into ranting and raving at me saying things like - sure you wouldnt care if he was dead in the bed.

Thats not true. I was having a piece of food and finishing breakfast. I had to start getting ready for work then. I went to work. I felt she was in a mood and a bit of form with me for some reason. I don't know what that was about. Was it because she didn't see my brother in days? I don't know.

I came home and the house was quite. He was still in bed. She was out walking. There was generally a good vibe between us. I was a bit tired.

She asked me what time I went to bed at last night and I saod it was a late one. She then said he got up for a few minutes earlier today and asked us both to not be in the kitchen tonight so he can cook something to eat. I mean like what is that about, I don't know. What he avoiding us I asked. I then got more of a vibe from her that she was blaming me for him avoiding the kitchen. I don't know what that's about. We usually get on well.

I was tired after my days work and I had a cup of tea just poured and I said OK, and I went to my room. Before I left, she started ranting and shouting at me again, saying that I don't care about him. I went to my room and she followed me in and she started shouting at me in my room. After you call your boyfriend, you can start looking for a flat.

What problem does she have with him? He did nothing on her before? She then said she can hear my calls from the room. (more like its a bit of eases dropping. I caught her last week, standing in the hall when I was on a call in the sitting room and it just looked like she was listening in).

She wouldnt leave me alone this evening. All because her darling son is hungover in the bed. I just had to run from the house. The woman was raging and she's just after making me homeless.

My brother had so many weekends out despite the covid19 restrictions. He didn't care if he caught the virus and brought it home. It was me following all of the guidelines.

Anyways what I do I do? I don't live in a city and I don't have anything with me and there's no homeless shelter any where. Nor do I want to go back home. She made her position clear to me. I'm sitting behind a rock in an empty field.

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SMJYellow Wed 20-May-20 21:03:31

An episode that happened last week at home, he started drinking at home on Thursday night online with his friends. He drank through the night and into Friday morning. I was going to worknon Friday morning and he was still drinking. I can home in the evening and my mother had a nightmare of a day with him drinking all day and not only drinking but possibly drugs. He was hallucinating. She wanted to believe it was the drinking over night and no sleep but I suspect it was more than that. He eventually went to bed where he stayed there for days so it's not new behaviour from him and she won't ever say boo to him. The one who's more respectful and she gives out to me.

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WhatCFeryIsThis Wed 20-May-20 21:12:02

Behind a rock in an empty field? Is that a metaphor? If you can't go home and there are no homeless shelters near you, will your boyfriend have you stay with him?

SMJYellow Wed 20-May-20 21:17:01

It's not a metaphor. I'm sitting in a field behind a rock.

My partner lives with his parents, I don't want to be imposing on him.

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namechange5671 Wed 20-May-20 21:21:18

I'm really confused by what's going on in this post op - I'm actually pretty concerned about your brother. It sounds like he's a drug user - going out on benders and then on a comedown for several days in your bedroom (not saying this is the case it just sounds like it)

Anyway. I really think you need to find somewhere else to live - maybe go live with your boyfriend I'm sure his parents will understand

clumsyduck Wed 20-May-20 21:22:31

Aww I feel bad for you ! It sounds like your brother is on a massive drink / drug comedown

Your mum probably can’t deal with his behavior and is lashing out at you . ( I have been there ) you can’t sit in a field all night ! What does your bf think of you staying with him ?

Or can you go home and begin flat hunting asap ??

Aquamarine1029 Wed 20-May-20 21:26:02

I would be blunt with your mother and say, actually no, I don't give a shit what he's doing. He's a grown man who's responsible for himself, and if anyone should be kicked out, it's him. What exactly does your mother think you should be doing for him? I would not allow your mother to get away with being so abusive to you.

WhatCFeryIsThis Wed 20-May-20 21:30:10

If you have work tomorrow then that's even more reason to go home, so you can rest, dress and eat properly for tomorrow. Your mum would have to understand that. Then as PP said, flat hunt immediately. If your boyfriend loves you then you won't be imposing on him though. You're homeless otherwise.

SMJYellow Wed 20-May-20 21:57:37

Thanks I will go home tonight. I will see what I will do.

I hope to be gone by the weekend.

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SMJYellow Wed 20-May-20 21:58:02

She's some fcuking dirty wagon of a woman.

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SMJYellow Wed 20-May-20 21:58:47

She will probably run after me to continue paying her bills while her son gets nothing.

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SMJYellow Wed 20-May-20 22:00:17

I have no idea what she was doing ranting at me or what it was about. I know it was about my brother hiding in his room and stuck in his fcuking bed. I do know that much.

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CuppaZa Wed 20-May-20 22:02:16

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SMJYellow Thu 21-May-20 08:56:21

It wasn't the first time he went out and stayed in bed for days on end. I don't know what she was doing giving out to me.. What was I supposed to do? How am I supposed to be qualified to diagnose between a hangover and a virus? Am I supposed to phone the doctor for him? Phone an ambulance for him? Stop the world for him?

I slept in the shed last night. And going to work now.

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SMJYellow Thu 21-May-20 17:03:57

She threatened me last night saying 'it's her house', one of her favourite domineering acts she did when I was younger. I remember holding down a job outside of school paying her money just to keep her quiet. It turns out the fam8home is in an absolute mess. It's in my father's name. My mothers name isn't on it any where. They are a long time separated and she couldnt be bothered sorting out a divorce in the 22 years that he's been gone. It's now caught up in his debt problems.

Its me paying left right and centre towards bills while my brother pays nothing.

I don't understand what she wanted me to do with my brother yesterday.

I was in touch with him through message and I told him it's not right to be so hungover in the bed all these days later and there's something wrong and I encouraged him to phone his gp.

Hopefully it might calme the old wagon down.

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Bleepbloopblarp Thu 21-May-20 17:08:41

Your mother sounds abusive. I would be making plans to leave ASAP! You need to be free of “the old wagon”! (Never heard that phrase before!)

matchboxtwentyunwell Thu 21-May-20 17:09:05

Stop giving your mother money. Tell her her beloved favourite child, her son, can look after her when she asks for money. Be done with being her scapegoat, her punching bag, while he endangers all of you with his drunken, druggy partying, while contributing nothing.

And get yourself out of there.

Good luck, OP.

SMJYellow Fri 22-May-20 09:04:32

Earlier in the year when this virus emerged,
I started putting in plans at home to help all of us if the virus came in. I filled a cupboard with longlife stuff. I bought crates of water because it's a vital infection and fluids will be needed. I bought stacks of multivitamins for the family to take. I bought medical supplies to add to what was at home already. We had a thermometer. I bought an oxyimeter and a blood pressure monitor for making a daily diary and for call numbers out over the phone to the gp if we need to phone the gp about anything viral related. I bought stacks of over the counter medicine. I bought sloped type of cushions for raising the body up in the bed.

I did all that in preparation for the virus, to help us all if we get the virus.

The woman then launched at me on Wednesday morning ranting and it was silly sh1t that was coming from her mouth. Because he was stuck in his bed since Sunday from a hangover, because I still have a job to go to, and because I don't have time to go into his room and nurse him better while he's avoiding the family, she was shouting at me that I don't care about him.

What was I supposed to do? Go into his room and drag his hungover body and head out of his bed?

She was completely and utterly blind to see the bigger picture and the preparations I made to care for the family in case the virus came into the house.

She's a small minded fcuking b1tch who only cares about 2 things:
1) her baby son (who's an adult), and
2) bleeding me fcuking dry as if I owe her for being alive.

What's worse is that I won't get an apology and she will continue to blame me for her son in bed.

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SMJYellow Fri 22-May-20 09:07:23

He will make a great recovery for tonight no doubt even though we still have the covid19 restrictions of social distancing from other friends and other families.

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WhatCFeryIsThis Fri 22-May-20 10:01:11

@SMJYellow has your mother ever been diagnosed with a mental illness? It sounds very extreme the things she is saying and doing. Or did she grow up in a culture where women are meant to dote on men? Either way, that doesn't mean you have to put up with being treated that way, but sometimes it helps to understand why something is happening in order to move on from it.

Ps... you are allowed to swear here. You don't have to modify the words. Fuck is a firm favourite on MN.

SMJYellow Fri 22-May-20 10:19:44

I came to understand her a long time ago and we've hand a better relationship since then but it is a delicate all the same. Like, my brother hungover in bed in week was enough for her to turn on me. I mean like, did I force him to go out all last weekend? No.

She grew up in the 1950s and 1960s and 1970s Ireland where society where society generally took a shit on women. Her mother was the same with darling sons and evil daughters. My mother that married a man who turned out to be abusive, so it's just years of shit on her back.

I don't understand it. My father was abusive and neglectful when we were small. The family home was neglected. I worked hard in my 20s and saved hard and because we had so many leaks at home that we never had repaired because of poverty, we were living with frogs in the kitchen. Rats were probably nearly due to move in with us. I wanted to treat my mother and I pumped so much of my own money into the family home for repairs. New kitchen, new bathroom, new sitting room.

All these years later and I hear the words - 'ITS MY HOUSE'. She can't see it as a unison, working together. My brother is an alcoholic and she was turning it onto my back.

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bluebell34567 Fri 22-May-20 10:32:13

i would leave as soon as i can and no more money to them.
they wont change, do you want to live like this for all your life?

justilou1 Fri 22-May-20 10:47:28

Just get out Babe. They’re both broken and you can’t fix either of them. They will suck you dry emotionally, psychologically and financially and nothing will ever be good enough for them. Save yourself!

WhatCFeryIsThis Fri 22-May-20 10:49:47

Does your job make you enough money to comfortably live by yourself? If so, the sooner you find your own flat, the better. Your relationship with your mum might be one of those that does better from a distance. Don't forget though, it sounds like she has a lot of resentment and will blame you for things going wrong after you leave. It won't be a fix-all solution, but at least you'll feel more stable and not likely to become homeless at a moment's notice.

SMJYellow Fri 22-May-20 11:53:20

My mother has a brother who's a bachelor. He never met anyone and he never had children.. He's an alcoholic and a bit not there in his head. He has a habit of phoning my mother and its near on harassment from him. He's clueless that other people have a life and don't have their phones glued to their hands. My mother likes to turn off her phone to avoid his calls and chats.

But she wants me to be all about my brother when he's in his bed and his room, avoiding the family coming down from his weekend session.

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