Hi All - super long term lurker who began posting recently. This forum really helped me see my relationship for what it was, even though it still took me forever to leave. Long story short I was in a very long relationship from when I was in my early 20s, broke up with him nearly 4 years ago now, am mid 30s. The relationship started well, but became increasingly difficult - ultimately we didnt want the same things (eventually I wanted to go on holidays, buy a house, have a family - he wanted to read conspiracy theories and smoke weed - don't get me wrong, I like a little weed too, but only from time to time), and he loved the attention of other women. He did had a lot of female friends, which I was fine with, a lot of my close friends were male. But it was actually what I would term an emotional affair with a colleague that pushed me to do things I never thought I would do, like look through his phone. From that I could see that he was the more interested party, but being the idiot that I was, I did the pick me dance and she moved back to her country, so no more cosy work chats for them and that was that.
I should have obviously ended things there as the trust was gone, but the relationship lumbered on and eventually I found out he was cheating on me physically (not with emotional affair person, someone else), and the messages I found made me believe that he had been having one night stand (or several night stand) affairs with people throughout our relationship. He of course would not admit this, and would only ever admit to the bare minimum of what I found. Again, we lumbered on, probably because we were totally co-dependent and I had lost my sense of self worth entirely and would go from begging him to tell me why, crying, him stonewalling, etc - it was horrible and toxic. I would try to discuss breaking up and he would say 'you are just blowing this out of proportion and you just want an excuse to break up' (like wtf was wrong with me)
After a year of this (I know, I know), I finally left. After trying to turn it around on me (see above) and me saying 'yes, I want to break up, blame me all you want, tell everyone I'm crazy, do what you want, but I cannot do this anymore, I am wasting my life' - he started crying and begging me to stay. I left anyway, and they crying and begging continued until he finally moved away with work - nearly a year later.
While me and my lovely therapist are working out my feelings around self worth, depression - all the stuff that got me into that relationship and the reasons I stayed - there is one thing I wonder about that I don't bring up with her, because I want to spend all my (expensive) time in therapy talking about me haha - is why cheating partners get upset when you leave?
My ex was so so upset, I just don't understand at all. I even said to him - 'honestly what is the problem? we've been unhappy for a long time! And you clearly have people you can call if you need company. You are free! And so am I!' and he was just so upset! Every time before he had goaded me and played the 'you don't really love me' card and I stayed. He told me I was miserable and the relationship was hard. Then so upset and full of begging when I finally left?? someone please enlighten me. It confuses me to this day, and no me and my ex dont' talk anymore so I can't ask him
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Relationships
why do cheating partners/spouses get upset when you break up with them?
cheeseaddict420 · 20/05/2020 15:28
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