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Has anyone's partner hit them just the once?

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sn21 Wed 20-May-20 10:15:57

Me and my partner have been together 6 years, we've always had a rocky relationship, however last night we had an argument and he hit me. The argument sort of stopped after that, and I took myself in the bathroom. While he stayed in the bedroom. Long story short he had a panic attack, over what he did and said he couldn't believe what he'd just done and he was really sorry. I've read so many domestic abuse stories, that the physical abuse can come much later, but after 6 years of being with him he has never put a finger on me. I'm not scared of him, I just don't know whether to believe him or not 😔

adventurer2020 Wed 20-May-20 10:18:07

Hi OP I have no experience of this but my advice is always - if your daughter were in this position, what would you advise her to do?

Hope you are ok ❤️

keepingbees Wed 20-May-20 10:22:52

I haven't experienced it myself, although I did experience coercive and emotional abuse that started 4 years into a previously good relationship. Sometimes a life event or stressful event, such as what is currently going on, can be a trigger.
To me, if the thought, capability, anger and loss of control is there once it can be there again.
Sorry and hope you are ok. What he did was assault and not ok regardless of previous good character, remorse etc. Most will be apologetic until the next time, and there nearly always is a next time.

KatnissK Wed 20-May-20 10:23:16

Sorry but that is a huge boundary he's crossed. How DARE he hit you? Who the hell does he think he is? I was always taught the first time a man raises his hand, you walk away. You are worth more than being someone's punch bag. Hope you're ok.

WhatwouldLangdo Wed 20-May-20 10:24:42

He's proven that he's capable of it. If there are no consequences, there's nothing to stop him from doing it again.
Every single incidence of domestic violence starts with being hit for "the first time".
There is no going back after he's laid his hands on you.
The 6 year relationship is a sunken cost fallacy. I'd choose to lose 6 years and get out now over losing 10 or 15 and still ending up trapped in a cycle of abuse.

Buzlightyear1 Wed 20-May-20 10:25:13

Honestly u need to leave him. In my own experience the panic attack always happened after he did something to me . My ex actually throw knifes at me which landed in the door he then chased me with a knife in was OK. But he had a panic attack and I felt bad for him . So ended up staying. I'm now well and truly away from him. It took having a son to protect for me to see his behaviour and get safe. Hitting is never ok please stay safe

LovingLola Wed 20-May-20 10:26:04

Once is once too much.
I’d ask him to leave.
Have you children?

Sowo Wed 20-May-20 10:26:15

My dad hit my mum for the first time after 5 years together. He then continued until she left 3 years later.

Sowo Wed 20-May-20 10:26:58

Also he sobbed the first time while she comforted and reassured him.

LovingLola Wed 20-May-20 10:27:05

Always having a rocky relationship is no way to live even without physical assault.

WhatwouldLangdo Wed 20-May-20 10:27:15

Also, the sheer narcissism of him having anxiety over his actions while you're in the bathroom having just been hit is actually quite nauseating.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 20-May-20 10:29:00

What do you mean by 'rocky relationship'?
If he is capable of hitting you then I can only assume there are other forms of abuse happening?
But.... domestic abuse always starts with 'Well it was only the once', the progresses to, 'OK well that was the 2nd time and I know he won't do it again'...... etc...
How do you know he had a panic attack?
They are very difficult to come out of without help.
Do you have any bruising or cuts? If you do, take pictures.
Do you want to report him?
Basically, if a stranger in the street and hit you, what would you do?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 20-May-20 10:32:16

sn21

You should not stay with him now. This relationship is over and indeed should be over now.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. One time is one time too many and another red flag here re this relationship is that it has been rocky from the start. You've probably modified your behaviours over the years to try and fit in with him. He has also now escalated into physically hitting you; this will happen again. And he is not sorry.

Womens Aid are certainly worth calling. If you can go out to Boots ask to be seen in their consultation room; many of their branches have been set up to help people in relationships that are violent.

avroroad Wed 20-May-20 10:33:07

Have you called the police to report him for assault?

Or

Have you let it go because the prick made you feel sorry for HIM?

The former is the correct course of action. The latter, a green light to him. It may take many years but it absolutely WILL happen again.

Mammyloveswine Wed 20-May-20 10:34:38

My DH pushed me once, I was pregnant and we had a blazing row... I was right up in his face pushing at him and he pushed me back... (not enough to hurt me or cause me to fall, more in a get away way if that makes sense) been together 10 years... we were both very wrong, it certainly hasn't even come close to happening again... not even slightly...

However our relationship is certainly not rocky or volatile.

In your case I would leave. If you do believe him then even the tiniest sign it's going to happen again you end it.

KaronAVyrus Wed 20-May-20 10:35:13

He hit you and then made the entire situation about how he felt! He’s scum.

Bobbiepin Wed 20-May-20 10:36:00

The only relationships where there is only one instance of abuse are the relationships that end after the first instance of abuse. There will be another time.

GilbertMarkham Wed 20-May-20 10:36:01

In what way/why has the relationship been rocky?

doodleygirl Wed 20-May-20 10:39:00

Please, please read your own post. No one
should ever have to write that. Once is too much

Xandrats Wed 20-May-20 10:40:02

No, no one has ever hit me in my life. I wouldn't accept anyone doing so. But if you've always had a rocky relationship, why have you stuck around this long. Not an excuse for anyone to hit you, but I am not sure why you'd tolerate the relationship the way it was prior anyway.

Definitely time to call it quits. Who cares if it never happens again, it happened and you're relationship isn't good anyway. Time to go.

cravingthelook Wed 20-May-20 10:40:39

Based on experience no BUT he immediately recognised there was a problem.

If he went to counselling or anger management of his own choice to make sure it never happened again, I'd be more inclined to accept it was a mistake. But only you can know that.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Wed 20-May-20 10:41:17

He hits you for the first time, and then he absolutely falls apart. He is horrified, heartbroken, disgusted, he deserves to die etc etc etc and you put your hurt and anger aside to pick up his pieces and tell him its ok. He's a good man who made a mistake.

The second time he hits you, the meltdown after is smaller. He cries, he brings you flowers, he tells you how sorry he is... but he reminds you that he's not the only one at fault here. You were part of the argument too. You're both in the wrong.

The third time he hits you, he's very sorry, but you made him so angry. You know how hard he finds it to control himself when you do XYZ and you need to take responsibility for that. Though of course he's still sorry.

Fourth time, he's sorry that you made him hit you again.

And every time after that he's not sorry, because it wasn't his fault. You need to be more XYZ, do less XYZ.

People always say they don't know why abused women don't leave the first time they get hit, and it's because of the above. It's a slow, manipulative escalation designed to get you to stay. It's the frog in the boiling water.

He's shown you who he is. Don't waste 6 more years being beaten down and broken by this man. You deserve better.

Soon2BeMumof3 Wed 20-May-20 10:41:48

Right, so he hit you and then immediately made it about how bad HE felt.

I have no words.

OP he is abusive, he is manipulative. Would he have hit you if you were a policeman? Or his colleague? No he fucking wouldn't have. This is not someone who lost control and then was shocked at himself. He chose to hit you. He thinks he's entitled to do that.

Leave him.

You don't just hit someone you love and respect. You don't. That's not a thing that happens. You hit someone you see as your property. Who you no longer empathise with.

The hitting is a symptom of a fucked up relationship. Even if this Prince never physically hurts you again, the attitudes beliefs and dynamics that led to it will remain.

Leave him.

Especially if there are children in the mix.

Notapheasantplucker Wed 20-May-20 10:43:19

False panic attack.

He'll do it again. Leave him OP and do not feel bad for him.

Wolfiefan Wed 20-May-20 10:43:27

A rocky relationship?
One where there is anger and arguing?
Why would you stay? Even before he hit you.

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