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Separated from wife during lockdown but hasn't moved out

(68 Posts)
Kikidee88 Tue 19-May-20 17:19:54

Im expecting alot of criticism but I have nowhere else to turn. I have known my colleague for 18 months and always felt something there but as we were both married, never acted on it. At the start of this year we began working closer together and discussed our marriages, we were both feeling unhappy skip a few weeks and I left my husband 2 weeks after we first kissed. I knew that regardless of a future with my colleague, this marriage was not right for me. I seen my colleague as fun, and we both said it was just that however 6 weeks ago, we admitted that we had fallen in love with eachother and despite the lockdown, he has separated from his wife. As we are key workers we have continued to work from my home every single day. He said that his wife can't find out about me as it will cause too much hurt and upset. We both have kids that are early teens. I do believe he has split with her, we constantly talk on messages and he has never given me a reason to doubt him I guess, but he still goes home every day once office hours are done (to avoid suspicion he says) it breaks my heart everytime he leaves and he tells me to have some patience and I will see in time he is as serious about me as I am him. I know these situations don't usually work out in the other woman's favour and I don't know how to deal with this, I know we have genuine love but will he really leave the family home and sacrifice this for me? Should I give him an ultimatum? I can't bear life without him. My heart hurts so much for him to be with me

OP’s posts: |
toomuchpeppapig Tue 19-May-20 17:21:29

Honestly, I hope he doesn't end up leaving his wife and you end up gutted. Karma is a bitch.

SandyY2K Tue 19-May-20 17:30:14

My thoughts...

will he really leave the family home and sacrifice this for me?

I doubt it.

Should I give him an ultimatum?

No. Not unless you're prepared to follow through with it.

I don't believe him and his wife are separated and neither should you unless you have proof.

You have the opposite of proof. He's keeping you a're just the OW.

I'm going to PM you with something I hope you'll find useful about being the OW.

Kikidee88 Tue 19-May-20 17:33:54

Thanks for that! I once would of depicted a similar response but until you are in this situation you will never understand.

OP’s posts: |
Cabinfever10 Tue 19-May-20 17:35:20

No he won't your just a bit on the side.
Also when both your families find out you will take all the blame as a home wrecker even though he is just as much to blame.

Kikidee88 Tue 19-May-20 17:37:16

I do believe him, but asking for proof I feel like I am being irrational and should take him at his word. How can he prove it to me? I never ever thought I would end up in this situation.. I know I'm going to be a hated woman on here but I have fallen in love, a feeling I don't think I've ever felt until meeting this man. I left my husband, he says he has left his wife, but he has nowhere to go during this lockdown.

OP’s posts: |
Cabinfever10 Tue 19-May-20 17:37:16

Oh and "to avoid suspicion "of what?

Cabinfever10 Tue 19-May-20 17:38:27

Can he not move in with you?

Kikidee88 Tue 19-May-20 17:39:45

She is suspicious of him with somebody else. My family are aware, my husband who I am separated from knows and my kids love him. He says he is ready to build a life with me, she just can't find out that I am the reason for the split

OP’s posts: |
Kikidee88 Tue 19-May-20 17:40:27

I feel like it's a bit too soon for that. He wants to find his own place but lockdown has made that difficult.

OP’s posts: |
GinGinHooray Tue 19-May-20 17:43:45

He isn't leaving his wife, you're the OW.

Why on earth have your kids met him already? WTF are you thinking?

Cabinfever10 Tue 19-May-20 17:44:08

Why ?
It will come out. He needs to be honest with her and his kids. Also why have you told your kids and what has been said to them.
Seriously how do you think that this will work when both of your DC meet and his find out that you've been carrying on a secret life with your dc

Cabinfever10 Tue 19-May-20 17:45:34

That should say hes not you've

litterbird Tue 19-May-20 17:45:38

Ermmmm, your kids love him? So sorry OP you are being swept up in affair love. He is going back to his wife to live a normal married life. Please accept that. You will continue to be heartbroken if you continue this relationship. I suggest that you tell him that you will gladly continue the relationship once the divorce is through. Continue to work on a professional basis and stand fast in your convictions. You are the OW I am afraid.

Potentialmadcatlady Tue 19-May-20 17:48:19

Your poor kids...

whoopso Tue 19-May-20 17:50:28


SeasonFinale Tue 19-May-20 17:50:40

If he is only contacting you during work hours then he really hasn't separated from his wife especially if she mustn't know about you. why mustn't she? If he is truly leaving then he would leave and he wouldn't mind she knew why if he really wanted to be with you.

Sorry to be so harsh.

whoopso Tue 19-May-20 17:51:06

Total wind up. 3/5

Doowop20 Tue 19-May-20 17:51:09

Your kids love him and he lives with his wife?

RockKnobster Tue 19-May-20 17:59:24

You daft cow.

Techway Tue 19-May-20 17:59:28

OP, there is a really chance you are completely screwing up your life and that of the children involved.

You have given up a marriage (fair enough), moved him into your dcs life (no way can they feel this is normal, if they do I wonder what their template of relationships are), you are giving up your space every day to share your home with irresponsible are you both too this in a pandemic.

He has given up doubt he gets spoilt at your house and all the home comforts with his wife and family.

End this relationship, wait at least 6 months, go no contact and of he comes back a single man then you know he is serious. Otherwise this will go on for months until you are discovered ancI suspect he will drop you or move in with you if his wife kicks him out.

Don't allow him to treat another woman like this...the fact he can lie and manipulate his wife and mother of his children means he will treat you much, much worse.

You have to end this..for your own sake.

Techway Tue 19-May-20 18:01:03

So many typos!!

Doowop20 Tue 19-May-20 18:01:24

So his wife thinks he is going to work each day but he is going to your home? That is so deceitful and I don’t believe they are separated.

PersephoneandHades Tue 19-May-20 18:03:37

A lot of cheating seems to be going on right now...

ApplePie86 Tue 19-May-20 18:08:45

I've been in this situation although I wasn't with anyone else. I was simply the OW.

I believed he would leave his wife for me, unhappy marriage, not sleeping in same bed etc. I do believe he wanted to leave but was simply too weak to actually go through with leaving her.

It was utterly heartbreaking.

Don't give him an ultimatum but simply say it's too hard for you to see him go home to his wife every day so until he does finish with her and leave you are preserving your own feelings and don't want to see him until that happens.

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