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Should I cut my mum out of my life?

(2 Posts)
blousesandhouses Tue 19-May-20 15:37:38

Hi everyone,

This is a bit of a long story so bare with me. I used to live in a different country, until I was 16 when I moved over with my mum when our relationship started, with each other started to buckle.

I come from a divorced family where my mother would go out on drinking parties for 3 day stints whilst leaving my dad/grandmother to look after me for the duration (when I was a couple of months old). I don’t have memories from these days as I was a baby but the family on my dad’s side have filled me in.

My mother would eventually remarry when I was around 5-6 only to get cheated on few years later and divorce again. During that time (She still drinks very heavily these days but at home) she would drink very heavily, have parties over at our house with the friends of my then step father, whilst me and my sister were so young. My sister moved out when she was about 10 and went to live with my grandmother (mother’s side) because my mother couldn’t look after her and she favoured me over my sister. So upsetting, I know but me and my sister have always been very close ever since we had re-connected. Anyway, my sister came back after a while and stayed with my mum until my mum started beating her and physically abusing her whilst drunk. Then my sister had enough and found a boyfriend, moved in with him and fell pregnant at 16.

I remember my mum always drinking or being drunk. I always had the financial support but never the emotional which is what I craved the most. There were times when she was passed out at home and I wouldn’t have dinner. So I would call my dad and he’d drive an hour to come and pick me up to stay with him whilst mum sobered up till next day. Or when I was around 10 I would take the bus with my friend and travel to my great grandmother and stay with her who pretty much brought me up as my mother was unavailable. And once she woke from her drunken slumber, she’d call everyone in panic that I was missing. Anyhow, most of my childhood was just my mum being a drunk. If anything happened at school, there was no one I could really talk to. My great grandmother, grandmother were absolutely fantastic and I would spend so much time with them. My dad was great but found a life partner who wasn’t used to having children around so I’d only spend very limited time with him. I am now quite close to them and he’s still with her and has 2 children. So I have a half brother and half sister through him.

Fast forward all the years to when I was a teenager and could do whatever I want because my mum really didn’t pay any attention. I would party and drink when I was 15 years old. Then when I was 16 we moved to England. She pretty much found a new boyfriend straight when we got here (still with him) who is a horrible person. Doesn’t get a long with his family so always manipulated mum to be with him and not with her daughter. Her drinking got much worse since they met, she try and commit suicide because of him, once in front of me (never successful) I had to admit her into a psych unit once. Still didn’t stop her from being with him. Me and my mother lived in a flat together, until she left me at a two weeks’ notice to move to Wales with him. A 3,5 drive from south London. I couldn’t afford the flat, so I got into a lot of credit card debt. Working crazy hours but still couldn’t afford it, although it was the cheapest flat in the area. So I fell into depression because she was my only family here and abandoned me for HIM. Of course she didn’t see it like this. He is a horrible person who would abuse her, lock her outside of their home so she’d have to sleep in her car. This was in 2014.

In 2016 I was so desperate, that I ended up leaving the flat to move to Wales, in with them. My mental health plummeted, but I didn’t realise it was because of my mother. I’ve never had the mental support from her with anything. I have always had to make my own decisions since I was a child. Fast forward to 2017 when I met my partner (who I’m still with and we’re having a baby in November 2020). I had to move in with him after only going out for 4months because my mother’s partner had physically attacked me at their house. Still she hasn’t left him, after everything. All the cheating allegations against him, physical and mental abuse.

And now every time I speak to her on the phone, she’s drunk. I want to have a proper conversation with my mother but not when she’s drinking and repeating herself every 2 seconds. I have been through some horrible stuff with her throughout my life but I feel bad for wanting to cut her out of my life because she’s my only blood relative here.
I feel like every time I speak to her my mental health suffers and I feel so angry at her! She’s tried to turn me against so many people, my own father for starters, by telling me stories of how he didn’t want to know me when I was a child and how he didn’t want to support me. Which are completely false by the way.

I can’t have my own opinion because she always has to be right and makes sure people know that! She is an alcoholic. She has a horrible volatile relationship with her boyfriend. I have been there for her every single time they have broken up, over the last 9 years. Every time telling her she can do so much better than him. But she never leaves.

I just don’t know what to do, or how to approach not talking to her to save my own mental health.

Any support from you guys would be appreciated. Thank you for reading my never ending post! x.

OP’s posts: |
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 19-May-20 19:35:21

Yep, cut your losses. You don’t have to make a dramatic announcement or come up with a convincing argument to persuade her why you’re going to do it. Just fade away, not answer her phone calls and get on with your life. Congrats on the pregnancy btw

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