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Husband has no contact with dd but what to do about her birthday and presents?

(144 Posts)
Fightingback16 Tue 19-May-20 15:33:39

I stopped my ex husband having contact with dd in December due to abuse and welfare concerns. He is aware that if he wants contact he needs to apply for an order. He has yet to do this but has asked my solicitor if he can come and spend time with dd on her 4th birthday and drop her presents off etc in a few weeks.

I’m suffering with PTSD at the moment and don’t want him where I’m staying. I also feel
It’s been 5 months since she saw him so it wouldn’t feel good for her emotionally.

When I said no at Christmas he brought the Xmas presents over and tried to break my door in with dd who was home and scared.

What should I get him to do with his presents?

DonLewis Tue 19-May-20 15:35:12

Oh, that's horrible for you. Of course you don't want him there again.

Is there a neutral third party he could drop them to, who could drop them to you?

Take care.

Windyatthebeach Tue 19-May-20 15:37:17

Tell him to donate them to a refuge. He hasn't changed. Do not let him ruin your dd's birthday - or life.
He can seek legal advice should he choose..

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut Tue 19-May-20 15:38:20

Shove them up his arse.

Take your solicitors advice.

FizzyGreenWater Tue 19-May-20 15:42:25

When I said no at Christmas he brought the Xmas presents over and tried to break my door in with dd who was home and scared.

So this isn't about presents, this is about an abuser looking for an excuse to come over and continue to abuse?

He thought a good extra Christmas present for your DD would be a nice little frightener too eh, having the unique Xmas experience of her violent dad trying to break the door down?

Um, I think you can safely say he gives not a single fuck about her birthday. Or seeing her at all, really, given he hasn't applied for an order?

I would reply:

'I am confused at your focus on DD birthday. You have not yet applied for an order to sort out access, so I am presuming that you do not wish to pursue contact. Given this it is hard to imagine that you actually care about seeing DD on her birthday.

At Christmas you did this same thig - and when refused entry, you frightened DD by trying to break the door down in front of her.

This behaviour, plus your part behaviour, plus your failure to apply for an order to see DD on a regular basis tells me that you don't wish to see her on her birthday or care about her wellbeing in general, you simply wish to remind us of your threatening presence and to gain access.

DD is also frightened of you thanks to your Christmas performance.

I am refusing permission to see her or visit on her birthday for these two reasons.

If you wish to remain in real contact with DD rather than trying to dictate occasional visits, please firstly make an application to do so. Safe, reliable access can then be discussed with the aim of rebuilding a relationship. Suddenly appearing on her birthday is going to cause nothing but distress to DD right now.

If you turn up and act violently as you did at Christmas, the police will be called.

Until you can be bothered to make an application, stay away.

Fightingback16 Tue 19-May-20 15:43:28

I’d love to tell him to shove them up his house. My IDVA told me not to have anything from him in my house. I just feel a bit guilty but he could have applied months ago. I know the present will be the biggest thing he could possibly buy.

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup Tue 19-May-20 15:46:20

He can post the presents.

If he wants to see your joint child then he can arrange for a third party well-known to her to do the drop offs at both ends. If he can't then he can't see her.

There is absolutely no reason for him to come near you for any reason.

Fightingback16 Tue 19-May-20 15:47:02

The lawyer has just sent a letter to say my position has not changed regarding him and contact and not coming to my house.

Fightingback16 Tue 19-May-20 15:51:01

Can’t be posted. I’m pretty sure he has bought her a giant pink sit in remote control Mercedes-Benz. Literally the biggest thing he could buy and more expensive then the court order. I only know this because he still lives in the family home as he forced me out. He was out of town so I snuck in to get some of my things the other day.

Why has he bought it knowing he isn’t allowed to come over and before he asked my lawyer for permission. I know he is going to come like at xmas. That was an equally large gift.

drspouse Tue 19-May-20 16:19:16

Well he should have thought of that before buying it, shouldn't he?

What is it with adults who have poor relationships with children and enormous presents? It seems common among toxic grandparents too.

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup Tue 19-May-20 16:32:05

OP if he can't use Royal Mail he can use a courier like Parcelforce. Or how does he think people get large eBay packages?

He's still not coming to your house in person regardless.

Windyatthebeach Tue 19-May-20 16:43:45

The minute he turns up ring the police op. Every incident recorded will strengthen your case to keep him away from dd.

Fightingback16 Tue 19-May-20 17:20:30

So should I accept his present for dd then if he sends it without coming here?

lyralalala Tue 19-May-20 17:25:37

He has bought it because it’s a show present

He can plaster it all over social media and WhatsApp to everyone. He can show them that he’s a doting dad who splashed out on his kid and is now being prevented from giving her a presents.

It’s about how it looks.

Also if it’s quite distinctive the cynic in me would say it’s a good way of making you easily spottable in the park or whatever while she’s playing with it

Windyatthebeach Tue 19-May-20 17:26:17

Personally I would give it to charity.

Fightingback16 Tue 19-May-20 17:34:44

It’s 100% a show present. When we were together he shouted at me for buying her presents, he’d say she doesn’t need anything. He then switched when I left to buying her presents everyday, no joke he’d turn up with gifts constantly at my door. “Where’s my princess, daddy has a gifts for you....blah blah”. Would then promise her I’d see you tomo then not come because he fell asleep and I’m left with upset dd.

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup Tue 19-May-20 18:00:52

Let her have the present if it ever arrives. If it is a cumbersome as you say stick it somewhere in the garden then in autumn get rid. She should then grow up learning flash presents aren't all that.

Also don't tell him to use a courier. He needs to work out himself how to send it to her, you aren't his mother.

Fightingback16 Tue 19-May-20 18:17:48

I’m not sure how he’s expecting it to go. I haven’t seen you in 5 months but here’s a toy car the same size as a smart car. How will he behave towards me, it would be a train crash!

Windyatthebeach Tue 19-May-20 18:44:27

Allowing a small dc a lavish gift from an abusive df is on rocky ground. Imo
. He will become a hero in her eyes even if she doesn't see him.

Fightingback16 Tue 19-May-20 18:50:51

I think that’s why my IDVA advised against it at Xmas. Those were massive gifts and currently in my garage under a sheet. I was going to donate them but he might want them back so have hidden them. Unfortunately due to the banging at the door she did end up spotting the present but “Father Christmas has to take them away as there was a broken part”. It all feels so horrible!

Fightingback16 Tue 19-May-20 18:52:31

You should have seen the £50 Easter egg he left at my door for her, she was 3!!! (also broke my boundaries and turned up)

Windyatthebeach Tue 19-May-20 19:39:05

Future relationships she may end up accepting being treated badly if she receives a 'but I love you' gift...

serene12 Tue 19-May-20 19:45:51

How frightening for yourself & your daughter. Has your solicitor or IVDA advised you to take out an injunction against your ex husband, to protect both of you?
I do hope that you’re receiving therapy for your PTSD, sadly it’s common for victims of domestic abuse to suffer PTSD and children.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut Tue 19-May-20 22:41:44

If it turns up stash it in the loft, give it to her at Xmas and tell her it's from Father Christmas.

MysteryFrog Tue 19-May-20 22:45:25

If he doesn’t know where you live then absolutely do not give him your address to send it!

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