Places that men go- Matthew Hussey dating advice?

[LilMissRe]

Hi everyone

I'm reading through Matthew Hussey's book and I'm struggling with something I've read.

He's advised women to frequent places that men go but only gave a small selection of places as examples: the gym, martial arts and wine/whiskey tasting?

He then said if you don't like any of those, make a ritual of going out with friends once or twice a week to places where men go.

This is all pre- corona

Now, I'm struggling here. At 36, my friends, same age, are no longer interested in going out to places where you need to make an effort and dress up- they've all recently settled down, won't leave their partners for a second, and many have small children. So they either do not see the point as they have hung up the gloves for staying up past 9, are too tired or financially insecure to commit to anything with me, like courses or trying new places to eat that they would rather just invite me to third wheel their family dinners.

Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with their families, but it defeats the object of meeting new people.

The other struggle I have is actually finding places where men go. Not just any man obviously- I'd like to go to places where I don't feel out place and vulnerable and where I think a high value man would frequent.

I again, before corona, would often sit in a coffee shop alone either reading, or working on my laptop. I do go to museums and galleries because I enjoy them and I do go for walks around city parks.Other than that, I love the theatre and cinema. I don't like to go to bars and clubs, as I do not drink nor do I like gyms as my workout is usually pilates, swimming or yoga.

My question is, can anyone suggest other places for me to go to, as he puts it "put myself out there".

Where do high value men go?

I honestly sometimes think that they're probably at home, working on their business or hobby or passion, maybe cooking, maybe tucking into a book, podcast or documentary or spending time with their own close family and friends.

So how do our paths cross then? Must it really only be online dating?

I'd love any suggestions!

[Musti]

Maybe start by finding new single friends who are up for going out too. Join a gym, a running or cycling club, badminton club, triathlon club, go to pub quiz nights, photography class etc

[LilMissRe]

Thank you for your suggestions. I do love pub quizzes and go to them frequently. Those are ones where funnily, my friends do go to- because their partners tag along, and you can be home by bedtime . All fun nonetheless.

I will give the others a thought too- although (and I hope I don't come off ungrateful) the thought of even more sports and exercise does not fill me with confidence. It's really not my cup of tea. Perhaps I should bite the bullet!

[coronaway]

I think the vast majority of people meet someone through a friend or work - the person is then 'pre-vetted' so to speak and not a complete random. Obviously nowadays online dating is very popular although I don't personally know anyone that has actually entered a long lasting relationship through OD.

Coffee shops sound like a good place but in reality unless the person is very forward I think you're far more likely to be left alone. If you spotted someone working away at their laptop would you want to interrupt them?

On the occasions you are out do you see any men that take your fancy or not? If you do, you have to be pretty blatant that you like what you see.

Sorry I'm not sure I've really offered any advice there...

[ComtesseDeSpair]

I think his dating advice is shit, to be honest. There is nothing more obvious and desperate at a club or hobby group than somebody - female or male - who is clearly only there to meet potential dates rather than because they actually enjoy cycling, running, books, wine, whatever. And as a previous poster says, nobody goes to a coffee shop because they want to pull, it would be one of the furthest things from their minds.

What’s wrong with online dating? I think it’s a pretty damn excellent way of meeting men to date or have sex with. Your cards are on the table, you both know what you’re there for, you’re both looking for the same thing. Your first date or meet is where you establish whether you fancy each other or not or whether you enjoy each other’s company.

[Delbelleber]

The golfing range.

[GilbertMarkham]

I think.comtesse makes a good point however I would say that I have pursued a hobby to widen my dating opportunities and coincidentally came to enjoy the hobby and meet a friend through it. So it's not always quite so simple!

[GilbertMarkham]

(I also did meet a partner through it as well, the relationship didn't work out but that's by the by).

[lekkerkroketje]

Climbing gym. Ideally a bouldering gym so you can go on your own. Join a beginners class, chat to everyone. Lots of computer nerd types, and it's natural to chat to someone about a route then move away, so if you don't follow them around, you won't look like a desperate creepy weirdo, and you can also steer clear of other desperate creepy weirdos. Some of them have cafes where you can chill after, there's normally a regular propping up the bar and it's not normally considered weird to have a drink on your own or initiate a conversation.

From a less creepy weirdo perspective, it's actually a sport that goes very well with yoga. If you get into it, it opens a world of really passionate people who love going out climbing at the weekend. Otherwise, it's an excellent mental and physical workout out of the rain once a week.

[emilybrontescorsett]

I think this is a problem faced by many single people.
I would do online dating. I know it gets slated to high heaven knows on here but several of my colleagues met their future husbands on there.
I can't think of anything worse than forcing yourself to go to places where you feel uncomfortable in the hope you might eventually meet someone else who is also single and fits the bill.

[AuntieStella]

I've met oodles of people via parkrun (you don't have to be any good at running, but you do need to be ready to strike up conversation with people standing near you). But joining a sports club is good - as long as you like the sport. Running transformed my social life

I agree that you need to do stuff you enjoy, or try stuff you are genuinely curious about. Start looking at every local listing page (and your local paper if you still have one). Look for concerts, talks, guided walks, opening views - anything that interests you. Because you'll be more interesting if you are interested, and even if you don't meet anyone (at all, or for a while) you'll feel that you have enriched your life from doing stuff that pleases you. The key difference (and why COVID regs are such a bugger) is that you're doing it out and about, meeting potential friends and honing social skills. You might even meet someone special.

Which all sounds straight out of a Cathy and Claire column, but you'll notice I haven't mentioned a car maintenance course. Wine tasting OTOH....

[picklemewalnuts]

Have you tried looking around at the places you already are? Do you talk to people at galleries and coffee shops?

Generally people who are also 'looking' will respond in a friendly way when someone starts a conversation. They will also want to keep it going. If they answer politely then look away, then they aren't 'looking'.

[ukgift2016]

Matthew Hussey is a man in his 30s who has never been married, had children or even a long term relationship. His longest relationship was with a popstar who was in her very early 20s!

I don't understand why so many women take advice from this man!? He is the man women should be avoiding!

[scoobydoo1971]

I am happily single at the moment. However, reflecting on where I have met men...my builder who visited my workplace recently has been very flirty (not going there/ off men now). Prior to that, my last long-term relationship was with a fellow student on an evening class, and prior to that I had a year long thing with someone I met at a workplace who had a similar job background. Having written that, they were both disasters...one was a wannabee cocklodger, and the other was a gold digger type...so I am not endorsing these locations as guaranteed to attract quality matches.

I met my ex-husband in a nightclub but that was two decades ago! Socialising has moved on over the years. I know a lot of people use OLD, but I have not known many people who sustain long-term relationships from it. I know it is possible, and some people do report meeting their perfect person using technology...but there are a lot of horror stories on this board as well and I think it is a sweet shop for narcissist types.

Nice men are afraid to come over and chat you up in a cafe as there is a lot of fear around being sleazy or accused of harassment. Eye contact is important and your body language. If you think you are onto a winner, you could start innocent conversation with them...what is the time? Do you know some nice places to eat around here? If you go to events, find out what people do for a living, and suggest exchanging numbers if you can. I have always found that strategy comes across rather well, and doesn't make you look desperate.

If you have room in your life for a dog, that is the best man-magnet in the universe. If I take my dog out walking, men stop for a chat about the 'dog'...and I have had a few offers that way...Good luck...dating is not for a faint hearted!

[MoreSchnitzelPlease]

Is Matthew Hussey's advice geared more towards US readers? From my understanding, the US has a dating scene that we don't really have here.

[SporadicNamechange]

@ukgift2016 That's hilarious.

I think a lot of Matthew Hussey's advice is game playing nonsense. And the concept of a 'high value' man (or woman) is just hideous.

@LilMissRe I agree that taking up something you want to do is the way to go. At worst, you can enjoy doing whatever it is and make some more friends whose lives are in the kind of place that yours is. And you might meet someone you're interested in romantically.

Or just put your cards on the table and do OLD. It can work (I met DH on tinder). But don't put too much faith in Matthew Hussey's advice.

[draughtycatflap]

Try sitting in the male changing rooms and striking up a convo when he’s towelling off his doodahs.

[coronaway]

@ukgift2016 Let's be honest, if Matthew looked like John Doe I don't think his career as a 'dating coach' would have gotten off the ground.

From what I gather he charges women astronomical fees to go to his 'workshops' selling the fantasy they could bag a guy like him.

I really wouldn't take his dating advice too seriously op.

[userabcname]

I'm in my thirties. I'd say the majority of my couple friends met at uni, work or online. Then I know one or two who met at sports clubs and one who met her boyfriend at a mutual friend's wedding. Most of my single friends do online dating and I met my DH online too (been together 8 years now). It's worth a shot I'd say.

[LilMissRe]

Thanks everyone for your advice and suggestions! I appreciate it!

I have and am dabbling on dating apps- have been for 3 years now- all of them; paid and unpaid. That has been miss or miss, which is why I thought of trying to meet someone 'in real life'. Still on them ( just incase- but my goodness it really is horrid on there)

I agree with PP about doing things you like. I know what I like and I know I would feel out of place if I rolled up to the gym, a driving range, cycling or most types of sports really- Ive tried a variety growing up, then realised I don't like them. I have honestly tried and funnily the ones that I kept at the longest growing up was netball and figure skating- ha ha ha

I don't go to my favourite places actively looking if that makes sense- I'm at a coffee shop because I want to be, I go to museums and galleries etc because I'm genuinely interested and would go alone regardless of my relationship status. I go to the cinema on my own- no problem.

I'v not tried bouldering- will give that a thought. I did join a local rambling group once - that was fun- lovely people, but mostly 30 years older than me and coupled up.

I would love a dog but my current circumstances won't allow- I'd like to have one, one day when I know I can commit and care for it.

I do talk to anyone about anything- at the bus stop, by a park bench, in a queue or by the cheese aisle. I'll admit they're usually to pensioners or mothers and fathers with children, only as I find more things to talk about and the conversation flows and they're not glued to their screens.

Do I feel confident walking up to a random man and sparking a conversation about pasta sauce? No.But have I asked men in front of me for the time, or compliment them on their choice of food or drink when ordering ahead of me? Yes. Were they responsive? yes, polite too. Were they ever single? Unfortunately for me, their beautiful partners always turned up 5 or so minutes later.

Seems like sport is the way forward?

[funnylittlefloozie]

He's advised women to frequent places that men go

The gents?

[MikeUniformMike]

Hi @LilMissRe,
Men go to lots of places. You can meet someone anywhere.
I would not recommend taking up a hobby just to meet someone.
People can spot desperation a mile off. If you take up a hobby, make sure it is one you are doing for your own benefit. If you widen your social network, you increase your chances.

Carry on living your life and be happy in your own skin. Take opportunities to expand your horizons and see what happens.

Depending on what you do for a living, there are occupations that have lots of single men in your age group. You are more likely to meet a single man in IT than as a primary school teacher.

Good luck and have fun.

[LilMissRe]

@SporadicNamechange
His advice is hard to take on board I'm finding. I have read other books, by Derrick Jaxn, Brian Nox- only to find out if I'm missing something or that I am doing something terribly wrong.

I read them because I'm not really getting much advice from my closest friends. They've all met their partners through uni and school.

[LilMissRe]

@MikeUniformMike

Thanks Mike! I feel this is the option that feels most natural for me. I hope it is enough but was worried that it was not good enough and that the path I choose to go down doing this and doing my own thing is not the path everyone else goes down that leads them to find a potential suitable partner.

and btw, I am a teacher (not primary though) :)

YAY!

[FerneGreene]

I don't know about 'high value' men (?!) but I have a few hobbies that are quite male dominated - boardgames (groups that meet up in pubs), indoor rock climbing, running clubs, political meetings (if you dare!). I wouldn't take something up unless you actually want to, but maybe worth considering.

[DrewByMann]

In terms of age range I’m similar to you OP and I’ve come to the conclusion online is the best way.

I’ve done lots of the whole meet-up/activity scene (not to meet men, actually just to try new stuff like camping and sports and I’ve moved round a lot).

Although like a pp I have had some romantic “success”, in general I’ve found meeting in groups (unless you’re like Meghan Markle and have posh well meaning well off friends who want you to meet eligible bachelors) to be a very negative experience?

You often get too many women who try to “dominate” the group and a few creepy guys who are completely pushy and desperate and you just end up getting drunk and it all being a bit depressing.

Sure online dating has some creeps (a lot of them) but the mainstream professional guys are all there now?

And the format means you can work through them ASAP.

Technology moves fast - try to “improve your tactics”?

• Improve your photos. I used to feel a bit like an attention seeking 16 year old taking selfies and felt I had to use photos taken by others.
  

But now I snap an honest full length mirror photo if I think I look good - so I can summarise my current style/body shape/look

• Eliminate quickly - don’t get caught up in one person
  

• TALK on the phone before meeting. But don’t spend too long chatting on WhatsApp etc. Get a quick face to face coffee in ASAP.
  

• Take breaks so you don’t end up burnt out
  

• play it light - maybe even start your ad with “looking to meet new people” rather than relationship goals
  

I couldn’t actually pursue these any further as professional exams cropped up for me, but on my last “round” (combination of okcupid and tinder, only on for about six days?) I met an investment banker, two doctors, an IT professional guy, pilot....30s and childfree

Sure they might not have been everyone’s cup of tea in person, and it’s a very long way from “few decent meets” to “working loving relationship”, but in terms of time and effort etc there really is no contest.