Husband deleting messages

[Gemz125]

Me and my dh have been together for 20 years. We have 5 children together and I'm currently pregnant with our 6th baby
Last November I discovered he had deleated messages from a female work collegue in facebook. I was suspecious as she'd called him in the spetember while he was at home and he'd regected her call as she'd called when I was in the room. His excuse for this was she must of called him by mistake. After I confronted him about the messages which were deleated in the November he promised he'd stop contact and never deleate anything else
This February I have discovered he's been calling and texting her nearly everyday for the last year (through my pregnancy with our 5th baby) and deleting all the texts and call logs. The calls can last up to an hour
I have confronted him and he says they're just friends and he's never had an affair but he's so secretive with his phone and has now put a pass code on it so I can't see.
I have no idea what to do now

[MizMoonshine]

If it looks like an affair and it barks like an affair, it's probably an affair.
Aside from the fact he's having constant contact with this woman, he's doing so after promising you that he wouldn't.

[AllsortsofAwkward]

If he was calling and messaging her when you were pregnant with you're 5th why would you get pregnant with you're 6th op? It sounds as if hes up to no good sorry op.

[bigchris]

Trust your instincts

[Susanna85]

Well clearly he's having an affair. Could be an emotional affair but far more likely to be physical too.

Shame on him, while you were pregnant too.

What will you do?

[bigchris]

If he has nothing to hide he'd hand over his phone to you

I'd kick him out

[Gemz125]

I got pregnant again in the November just before I found out that he'd deleated messages. My son was born in the August.
I have tried talking to him and telling him how I feel and all he says Is she's a friend and he has now stopped contact.
All he says is if I accuse him of anything else we're over and he's leaving
He's said it's my hormones that have made me question him and I need to stop
Tbh I'm so confused

[Gemz125]

He has been deleting messages and calls since February 2019

[MizMoonshine]

So tell him to prove that it's nothing. Tell him to message her and send screen shots of what he has deleted, in front of you.
Let the bastard leave and make her miserable instead.

[Schoenes]

He has been deleting messages and calls since February 2019 Why did you decide to have another child together?

[Gemz125]

I only discovered he had deleated any messages in late November 2019. He's been hiding it since Feb 2019
This was after I'd had my son in August 2019 and was already pregnant with my 6th baby. Sorry I'm not explaining this very well

[AllsortsofAwkward]

Schoenes that's what I dont get either hes clearly having his cake and eating it and is threatening to leave you with 6 dc.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

No-one routinely deletes innocent messages from a friend. Does he do this with all his other messages too?

[Sunshineandflipflops]

H clearly enjoys making babies with you but is getting other things from this OW.

[AnyFucker]

He is at it, op

Please stop getting pregnant with this faithless man and accept he is knocking you up and having flings elsewhere

[AllsortsofAwkward]

Is it his idea to have so many babies in quick succession? I'm wondering if it's so you dont leave.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Bloody hell people it's not a difficult timeline to work out instead of jumping in with meanness.

She found out in Nov 2019 that he'd been deleting since that Feb (having had 5th child in August 2019) and he promised to stop. She was already pregnant with 6th when she found out. Then she found out in Feb 2020 that he'd continued and esculated the contact.

He's now refusing to stop contact and has basically said accept it or I'll leave.

OP you have two options: accept it and stop questioning or tell him to fuck off! Whichever route you decide the marraige as you know it is over. He's putting his relationship with her (friend, emotional affair or physical affair notwithstanding) before his relationship with you - by miles. And by saying he'd prefer to leave than cut contact, he's also putting it before his relationship with his dc.

Can you survive without him in the home? Work out how that would work financially, reassure yourself you can survive and then call the bastard's bluff! And mean it. Wanker!

[Rojelio]

Tbh he's clearly having an affair of some kind so seeing his phone is a mute point, I'd be asking him to leave or making my own exit plans ... bugger him and his ultimatums when he's the one deleting calls and texts!

[CarolefeckinBaskin]

The threats to leave when you ask him and the blame put on your hormones are bullshit.
He's forcing you to shut up and not ask questions.
If he had nothing to hide then why delete anything. He is proving his guilt himself.
I wouldn't trust his word and I'd be angry so it would be me telling him to pack up and fuck off this time. No empty threats, no drama just a simple - I'm done with you lying to me and being disrespectful to our relationship and our DC.
I couldn't stay with a lying shit that sneaked around behind my back.
If it was just a friendship then he wouldn't need to hide it, he'd have told you at first that's all it was and reassured you about it.
I work in a male dominated environment and I have some close relationships with some of my male colleagues - watsapp and messenger chats etc... I have absolutely no issue with my Dh seeing me interact or read the messages between us and I know my colleagues wives see my messages sometimes too - no issues all around because we are open and honest about what it is = friendship.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Gemz125

You explained perfectly.

The fact he is already talking about leaving and that you are over suggests he has mentally moved out. (I wonder where to?)

I would have taken him up on the offer that he go.
I doubt it will be very romantic if he and his new woman have 6 children to look after EOW and once per week during the week and the CM bill would be huge (am I right in thinking that if he lives with the OW her salary is taken into account for CM purposes also).

[OhTheGeese]

@Olversmumsarmy, no OW's salary is not taken into account.

You're right about the EOW scenario though!

[Loveabitofrain]

Classic gaslighting! Blaming your hormones too; shame on him!!

Sorry op you need to cut him loose otherwise he will take everything from you; your self-respect, self-esteem the works.

Talk is cheap.

Been there got the t shirt. He either shows you his phone and lets you have full access or I'd just get rid. It'll make you ill.

[user1481840227]

Gaslighting!!
Your hormones haven't made you imagine all the texts and calls and the length of the calls. They haven't made you make up a story that he's deleting the call logs and texts.
Hormones or not he's still up to the same stuff.
How dare he!!

[SandyY2K]

It doesn't look good. Did he want all these children?

Do you work or is he the only earner? A large family and taking fully the financial responsibility can be stressful and he may well be escaping all this with her.

He's being shady and he then threatens to leave if you bring it up again....knowing being a single mum to 6 is no walk in the park....i very much doubt he'll push for 50/50.

All he'll do now is hide his contact with her even more. It may not be a full blown affair...but something is going on and he doesn't want you finding out...because it's inappropriate.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

My XH left me with five children, having threatened to 'get custody' of them he then didn't see them at all for three years.

Start shoring up your defences. You are going to be a single mum of six and that won't be a walk in the park.

He's clearly been up to no good - and he's blaming your hormones? Yeah, right...

[MsDogLady]

OP, there is a huge amount of deception and manipulation here. Lies, deletions, blame shifting, blocked transparency, and threats.

This is infidelity. Your husband is having an emotional or physical affair with this OW. He feels entitled to pursue this illicit relationship, abuse your trust, and make a mockery of your marriage. Blaming your hormones when you question his unethical behavior is despicable.

He is lying again about ceasing contact with OW, and his blocking you with threats and a passcode speaks volumes. If at all possible, show him the door, OP.