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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Why has my friend accepted her ex’s friend request?

119 replies

BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 00:30

She was ditched by him like an old towel with no explanation whatsoever, and he’s waltzed back into her life saying sorry and telling her he still loves her.

She’s accepted his friend request and I just don’t know what to do about it

I know she knows what he’s capable of doing again, so why take the risk?

OP posts:

Report

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 19/05/2020 00:32

You don't do anything about it. I'm assuming she is a grown adult.

Bartlet · 19/05/2020 00:34

You butt out of her life and let her make her own decisions whether they’re bad or good.

Sugartitss · 19/05/2020 00:42

You’re just looking out for your friend op but nothing you can do really as she won’t listen anyway.

BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 00:43

She’s 26, and so am I... they knew eachother for 5 years.

For years I’ve been picking up the pieces, offering a shoulder of support. I’ve seen her get into other relationships and break them off... I just don’t want her to go through this again.

Why is she doing this to herself??

OP posts:

BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 00:44

@Sugartitss she’s isn’t just a friend, she’s my best friend. To see the hurt and pain she went through after he vanished on her made me care about her even more... but now she could be setting herself up for even more hurt.

OP posts:

ChangeThePassword · 19/05/2020 00:51

If she asks you what you think, be honest but kind.

If she doesn't, you do nothing.

Her life, her choice. She's not being forced into anything.

If it all goes tits up, you can choose to be there for her or not.

As to why she is doing this? I guess she thinks that life with him is better than life without him, and she's willing to take the risk. Her choice.

BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 00:58

Whatever happens I will be there for her, that’s a certainty.

I hate to think this but part of me thinks she’s still got a thing for him and maybe hopes he has changed(?)

OP posts:

BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 07:44

Anyone got more thoughts on this?

OP posts:

SoleBizzz · 19/05/2020 07:48

As difficult as this feels she will make her own decisions and mistakes. Depends on how much rnergy you hsve left to support hrr agsin this time if he leaves her. Not essy to see a dear frurnd hurting.

DuchessOfSofa · 19/05/2020 07:49

Have you got a rescuer syndrome?
Not being mean here. But vulnerability attracts some men who have a knight in shining armour thing going on.

She was the "victim" and you rescued her.
Now she doesnt need rescuing.
Now, you are scared she has options.
Are you feeling resentment now?
Do you feel like she owes you?

This might sound very harsh but Knighting is not healthy for you.

Good luck

BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 08:07

No I’m not “knighting” for her. I saw what happened to her after the first time he disappeared, I saw what she went through, and I’m worried that she will go through it once again after he pulls of the same trick.

Some of my other friends think I shouldn’t be worried because “it’s just a friend request” though.

OP posts:

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 08:09

I just don’t know what to do about it

Whatever happens I will be there for her, that’s a certainty.

Well, you do nothing because it's not of your business.

But, equally, if you don't want to deal with it personally (eg ok up the pieces and be a constant should let for her to cry on) you don't have to.

You can put a boundary in place that says, "I supported you through this last time. I don't want to do that again". And that is fine.

Her life, her choices; your life, yours.

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 08:10

Some of my other friends think I shouldn’t be worried because “it’s just a friend request” though.

You're massively over invested in this.

Not your circus, not your monkeys and all that.

Friendsofmine · 19/05/2020 08:23

I assume he was abusive and violent and toxic to her, hence you are a concerned friend. Lots of people repeatedly go back to people who hurt them because it is all they have ever known, or they do not feel they deserve better, or they are replicating childhood patterns...

There is not much you can do aside from share your concerns but emphasise your care for her and ongoing friendship I'm afraid. You could signpost to Womens Aid or offer to do the Freedom Programme with her.

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 08:36

I assume he was abusive and violent and toxic to her,

Why?

The OP said he ditched her and said that she has supported her through many other relationships that her friend has walked away from.

That doesn't sound like he was abusive to me.

Some people really do just enjoy the drama 🤷🏻‍♀️

BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 08:44

My friend was totally blindsided by him disappearing. It was not toxic, abusive or violent, as far as I know. I thought they both loved eachother very much. They had known eachother for 5 years.

OP posts:

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 09:08

In that case, you really have to just let her get on with it.

But you don't have to be there to pick up the pieces again.

BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 09:12

Let her get on with what?

OP posts:

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 09:16

Let her get on with what?

She’s accepted his friend request and I just don’t know what to do about it

^^ This

AudaCityLimits · 19/05/2020 09:16

I have been your friend. It is an odd and damaging thing, but when someone treats you badly, your self-worth crumbles. You become preoccupied with the one that left you, because he, and only he, is the one who deemed you not good enough, so he's the one you have to prove yourself to.
One friend has told me that this is a bad idea and that he's a dick, and I know she's right, but I'm still here.

ErickBroch · 19/05/2020 09:20

My best friend has gone back to a man that treats her like dirt repeatedly for five years. I obviously know everything as she turns to me when he does it all over again. She knows I despise him, but what can we do? I just stay out of it and listen when it all goes to shit once more.

BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 09:29

You must know how I feel then Erick.

She has never gone back to any of her ex boyfriend’s, but in this case I’m worried that she will.

OP posts:

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SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 09:34

She has never gone back to any of her ex boyfriend’s, but in this case I’m worried that she will.

Worry about it when it happens them because, at the moment, the problem only exists in your head.

Friendsofmine · 19/05/2020 09:35

Oh I'm sorry I just assumed that it had been a bad/dangerous relationship for you to be so worried.

In that case I wouldn't do anything at all!

BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 09:36

She deserves so much better than this. She could have just ignored his friend request and left it at that instead of giving him a foot back into her life b

OP posts:

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