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Why has my friend accepted her ex’s friend request?

(120 Posts)
BarbuFR Tue 19-May-20 00:30:05

She was ditched by him like an old towel with no explanation whatsoever, and he’s waltzed back into her life saying sorry and telling her he still loves her.

She’s accepted his friend request and I just don’t know what to do about it

I know she knows what he’s capable of doing again, so why take the risk?

OP’s posts: |
Wewearpinkonwednesdays Tue 19-May-20 00:32:56

You don't do anything about it. I'm assuming she is a grown adult.

Bartlet Tue 19-May-20 00:34:11

You butt out of her life and let her make her own decisions whether they’re bad or good.

Sugartitss Tue 19-May-20 00:42:35

You’re just looking out for your friend op but nothing you can do really as she won’t listen anyway.

BarbuFR Tue 19-May-20 00:43:16

She’s 26, and so am I... they knew eachother for 5 years.

For years I’ve been picking up the pieces, offering a shoulder of support. I’ve seen her get into other relationships and break them off... I just don’t want her to go through this again.

Why is she doing this to herself??

OP’s posts: |
BarbuFR Tue 19-May-20 00:44:29

@Sugartitss she’s isn’t just a friend, she’s my best friend. To see the hurt and pain she went through after he vanished on her made me care about her even more... but now she could be setting herself up for even more hurt.

OP’s posts: |
ChangeThePassword Tue 19-May-20 00:51:30

If she asks you what you think, be honest but kind.

If she doesn't, you do nothing.

Her life, her choice. She's not being forced into anything.

If it all goes tits up, you can choose to be there for her or not.

As to why she is doing this? I guess she thinks that life with him is better than life without him, and she's willing to take the risk. Her choice.

BarbuFR Tue 19-May-20 00:58:19

Whatever happens I will be there for her, that’s a certainty.

I hate to think this but part of me thinks she’s still got a thing for him and maybe hopes he has changed(?)

OP’s posts: |
BarbuFR Tue 19-May-20 07:44:47

Anyone got more thoughts on this?

OP’s posts: |
SoleBizzz Tue 19-May-20 07:48:34

As difficult as this feels she will make her own decisions and mistakes. Depends on how much rnergy you hsve left to support hrr agsin this time if he leaves her. Not essy to see a dear frurnd hurting.

DuchessOfSofa Tue 19-May-20 07:49:08

Have you got a rescuer syndrome?
Not being mean here. But vulnerability attracts some men who have a knight in shining armour thing going on.

She was the "victim" and you rescued her.
Now she doesnt need rescuing.
Now, you are scared she has options.
Are you feeling resentment now?
Do you feel like she owes you?

This might sound very harsh but Knighting is not healthy for you.

Good luck

BarbuFR Tue 19-May-20 08:07:21

No I’m not “knighting” for her. I saw what happened to her after the first time he disappeared, I saw what she went through, and I’m worried that she will go through it once again after he pulls of the same trick.

Some of my other friends think I shouldn’t be worried because “it’s just a friend request” though.

OP’s posts: |
SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Tue 19-May-20 08:09:12

I just don’t know what to do about it

Whatever happens I will be there for her, that’s a certainty.

Well, you do nothing because it's not of your business.

But, equally, if you don't want to deal with it personally (eg ok up the pieces and be a constant should let for her to cry on) you don't have to.

You can put a boundary in place that says, "I supported you through this last time. I don't want to do that again". And that is fine.

Her life, her choices; your life, yours.

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Tue 19-May-20 08:10:12

Some of my other friends think I shouldn’t be worried because “it’s just a friend request” though.

You're massively over invested in this.

Not your circus, not your monkeys and all that.

Friendsofmine Tue 19-May-20 08:23:09

I assume he was abusive and violent and toxic to her, hence you are a concerned friend. Lots of people repeatedly go back to people who hurt them because it is all they have ever known, or they do not feel they deserve better, or they are replicating childhood patterns...

There is not much you can do aside from share your concerns but emphasise your care for her and ongoing friendship I'm afraid. You could signpost to Womens Aid or offer to do the Freedom Programme with her.

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Tue 19-May-20 08:36:28

I assume he was abusive and violent and toxic to her,

Why?

The OP said he ditched her and said that she has supported her through many other relationships that her friend has walked away from.

That doesn't sound like he was abusive to me.

Some people really do just enjoy the drama 🤷🏻‍♀️

BarbuFR Tue 19-May-20 08:44:38

My friend was totally blindsided by him disappearing. It was not toxic, abusive or violent, as far as I know. I thought they both loved eachother very much. They had known eachother for 5 years.

OP’s posts: |
SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Tue 19-May-20 09:08:47

In that case, you really have to just let her get on with it.

But you don't have to be there to pick up the pieces again.

BarbuFR Tue 19-May-20 09:12:13

Let her get on with what?

OP’s posts: |
SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Tue 19-May-20 09:16:01

Let her get on with what?

She’s accepted his friend request and I just don’t know what to do about it

^^ This

AudaCityLimits Tue 19-May-20 09:16:28

I have been your friend. It is an odd and damaging thing, but when someone treats you badly, your self-worth crumbles. You become preoccupied with the one that left you, because he, and only he, is the one who deemed you not good enough, so he's the one you have to prove yourself to.
One friend has told me that this is a bad idea and that he's a dick, and I know she's right, but I'm still here.

ErickBroch Tue 19-May-20 09:20:46

My best friend has gone back to a man that treats her like dirt repeatedly for five years. I obviously know everything as she turns to me when he does it all over again. She knows I despise him, but what can we do? I just stay out of it and listen when it all goes to shit once more.

BarbuFR Tue 19-May-20 09:29:49

You must know how I feel then Erick.

She has never gone back to any of her ex boyfriend’s, but in this case I’m worried that she will.

OP’s posts: |
SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Tue 19-May-20 09:34:40

She has never gone back to any of her ex boyfriend’s, but in this case I’m worried that she will.

Worry about it when it happens them because, at the moment, the problem only exists in your head.

Friendsofmine Tue 19-May-20 09:35:39

Oh I'm sorry I just assumed that it had been a bad/dangerous relationship for you to be so worried.

In that case I wouldn't do anything at all!

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