Do I bring this up? Help me decide please

[SparrowInTheHedge]

I'd appreciate an outside perspective as I'll no doubt be told I'm overreacting if I bring it up with DP. Sorry if it's a bit rambling, everything has just kind of been building up inside me.

I'd like to still have a relationship at the end of lockdown, but I don't know. I feel at the end of my tether. I'm bored, I'm lonely, and I'm feeling unappreciated and invisible. All my DP wants to do is play video games and increase his rank to Super Global Wizard King of Bald Eagles or something

This has not really been much of an issue... until lockdown. We used to go places and do things or at least eat out in a weekday and I also needed down time.

But now of course we don't go anywhere or do anything and if we go for a walk or anything then as soon as we're back in the house he will be back on his computer.

I have to nag to have a date night and for us to spend some time together. It's crippling my self esteem to feel this unwanted. And if I say anything and he changes his behaviour then it won't be because he wants to do they things, right?

Today was really the icing on the cake. I had to work a little bit later than usual because we're swamped at the moment and did he take the initiative to cook us dinner? Yes, of course he did. I was offered beans on toast.

Every single day I cook for us. I go shopping, I carry massive, heavy bags home and I make nice dinners and sometimes lunches as he works literally 5 minutes from home. And the one time I can't get round to it, the most amount of effort I am worth is toasting some bread and microwaving some beans. Anything to quickly get back to his game.

He wasn't always like this. We used to live far away from work and took turns cooking and we would clean the house together on the weekend. You would think that now he's not exhausted from a 1.5 hour commute each way he would pull his weight a bit? Oh no.

I just feel very fed up. I feel like I'm at a crossroads, at the risk of sounding dramatic. Help me.

[suggestionsplease1]

What did he say when you discussed these issues with him?

[SparrowInTheHedge]

Erm that's the point, I don't know whether to bring it up because I think it will lead to an argument where I am accused of overreacting and he will insist that beans on toast is a perfectly legitimate meal.

[SparrowInTheHedge]

He will also say that all he has is his video games and he needs to de-stress from work.

[jackstini]

If my DH told me all he had was his video games he'd be gone!

Accept he needs chill time but beans on toast is a snack or emergency meal, not dinner

If you are not doing anything together that's very unfair on you

I'd have to raise it as would not be prepared to continue like that

Sorry, it sounds rubbish for you

[Jennifer2r]

You could give it to him straight... "my emotional needs aren't being met. I need time with you, your focused attention, I need you to make an effort with and for our relationship".

Don't mention the beans on toast, its a red herring. If he greeted you every day with love and care and attention you'd be happy with beans on toast for tea.

[Scarydinosaurs]

Are you telling him in the moment that this is okay? How do you communicate day to day?

[0DETTE]

I’m a bit worried that you are dating my 15 year old son. Because he sounds just like him.

Is he 6ft tall, skinny with short blond hair ?

[OhioOhioOhio]

If you are only 15 get rid of him. Omg.

[dontgobaconmyheart]

What do you get put of it though OP? I'm not sure I'd bother. Your life is certainly worth more than cooking and cleaning and trying to sustain a relationship ship with someone that obviously knows he gets those things regardless so doesn't need to bother, and can't be arsed to regardless.

If you're not comfortable speaking to him and are guaranteed to not be listened to or taken seriously or belittled if you do- there are bigger problems than his childish gaming obsession.

Perhaps you could express that it would make you feel loved and appreciated if he cooked nice meals for you and made time for you. If he doesn't change there's your answer as to how bothered he really is.

[DamnYankee]

I’m a bit worried that you are dating my 15 year old son. Because he sounds just like him.

Me, too!
Is that why DS disappears for hours every day?
5'11". Rangy build. Dark hair. Bright blue eyes. Voracious appetite?

Seriously, though. I'm sorry. I'd get a few good nights' sleep under my belt. Maybe a few walks in alone. Pick out about three things you'd like to see change - and present.

[SparrowInTheHedge]

Erm I'm not 15, I am somehow almost double that age.

I'm not sure what I'm getting out of this. I think I used to be happy.

[Greta1985]

The teenage son posts made me laugh, is it me or is there a uk crisis of grown men obsessed with their games. I get needing down time but not if it affects your life to this level. Of course you need to speak to him, he’s just being lazy and thinking you haven’t noticed/are letting him get away with it.

[SparrowInTheHedge]

DamnYankee

Me, too!
Is that why DS disappears for hours every day?
5'11". Rangy build. Dark hair. Bright blue eyes.
Voracious appetite?

Actually yes, that's exactly him I'm sorry he's so wrinkly when he's so young though

[DPotter]

You can't let this fester Sparrow - it will build up and then one day you'll snap and he'll have no idea where it's come from.

Tell him you would like to talk to him at a set time tomorrow evening. And then spell it out - just as you have done in your post. That your finding the situation increasing difficult as he is ignoring you in preference for a computer game. And yes I know people will say it's a valid hobby and yes it is. However I'v had similar conversations with my DP about golf (And when I become President I will be banning it, so be warned). Lockdown or not, there's a home to be run and he needs to muck in with the boring stuff, like shopping and behave lime a loving partner not a flat-share. Alternative you could serve him beans on toast every night and see how long it takes for him to mention it. Make yourself something nice of course

[DPotter]

sorry - behave like a loving partner

[Sugartitss]

Just relax, give him a shopping list and a list of chores and get on with your own thing.

Maybe he’s just enjoying lockdown, I know i was enjoying the time off work. Never in my lifetime again will I get two months paid leave so I did what I wanted.

[Yallreadyforthis]

Yes, talk to him!
When you're calm but yes, talk to him!

Or you can go for the passive aggressive approach.
" Hey, what shall we do tonight? Or are we doing the usual where you ignore me for hours on end playing with imaginary playmates?"

[AllyBamma]

That all sounds really awful OP but you can’t expect anything to get better if you don’t communicate with him. Of course you should bring it up or the resentment is just going to build up and explode. And of course he should know to put more effort in, absolutely but what’s the alternative? Just carry on as you are until you hate him and leave? Just try speaking to him, it might just be the kick up the arse he needs.

[Firefretted]

Try the DESC (Describe, Explain, Specify, Consequence) model of assertion to get your point across reasonably:

Describe the situation factually: you are spending a lot of time gaming

Explain how it makes you feel: this makes me feel ignored/underappreciated/ like you don't value spending time with me

Specify what you would like to happen: I would like you to limit gaming to x amount of time / us to set aside time to prioritise the relationship etc

Consequence (this should be positive): This will get our relationship back on track / I will feel more loving towards you etc etc

[Vretz]

You do it so he thinks you enjoy it. Fell into the same mindset. Buy a controller, play video games, get better than him, loser cooks dinner = profit.

[SparrowInTheHedge]

His snoring has sent me to the sofa. On my way out I tripped over his shoes that I've asked him but to keep in my side of the bed a million times.

[category12]

Shove the shoes under his pillow.

Of course you need to bring it up, he's chipping away the relationship with his complacency.

[coginamachine]

Sounds like you're having a tough time sparrow and it's hard to see the light at the end of it all. I suggest you share with him how you are feeling and equally ask him how he is coping too. The reality is we are not mind readers however we spend so much time in our head and thoughts that we expect our partners to somehow guess all of what is going on for us.

Choose a calm time, go for a walk, share how you feel ask him how he feels. Agree to come up with one thing that each of you will do for the other moving forward and take it from there, see how it goes from there.

[Thatnameistaken]

Talk to him, then when you do leave it won't be out of the blue.
Or perhaps he'll get his shit together and be a bit more attentive.

[ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings]

Did someone just suggest you give him a shopping list and a list of chores?! Jesus christ. Some days I think women are finally making progress in the world and then other days it's like we haven't moved an inch.

OP just leave him. Seriously. Think about it, are you actually going to sit down and explain to an adult that spending every waking second on video games and never giving the slightest hint of a shit about you or your relationship is not on? Could you really get through that conversation without cringing yourself inside out with embarrassment that you were sleeping with someone who needed that spelling out to them? Either he already knows and he doesn't care, because he's a misogynist who thinks women exist to be his staff, or he honestly thinks his behaviour is OK in which case he has an IQ of roughly room temperature and that's unlikely to change. Either way I've got the ick just thinking about it. So no, please don't give him lists and make him chore wheels and patiently try to train him to behave like an adult as if he were a dog or a toddler. Just cut the loser free, pour yourself a drink, and enjoy the rest of your life. Your time is too precious for this shit.