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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Ltb?

22 replies

R3ALLY · 18/05/2020 21:01

I broke something of his. It was an accident but he’s furious. Shouted, verbal abuse, shoved me out of the way when I tried to reason with him. Threw cup of tea across floor... now locked in room and texting me that he hates me. He has anxiety and it had been made worse by Covid... but I don’t have to take this do I? I will replace the item... the money is there... but he won’t talk to me. Kids saw it all. He said that’s my fault too

OP posts:

Report

Sunshinedu · 18/05/2020 21:03

No that’s unacceptable behaviour,very worrying he pushed you and now is trying to emotionally fcuk with your head by blaming you.
Your not in the wrong here

R3ALLY · 18/05/2020 21:05

This is the worst the anger has been for a while but it’s there a lot. Always my fault. I’m always trying to manage things ... his moods.

OP posts:

Sunshinedu · 18/05/2020 21:06

How long are you together,you need to let someone know this is going in for your own safety

Sunshinedu · 18/05/2020 21:06

What man puts his hand on another woman,think long and hard if you can put up with this for your future

R3ALLY · 18/05/2020 21:07

20 years, two kids

OP posts:

TeddyBeans · 18/05/2020 21:07

Yup LTB ASAP. This will only get worse

TheGirlWithAPrince · 18/05/2020 21:08

There is no excuse for that behaviour even if you couldnt replace it. It was an accident and he should be adult enough to not fly off the rails.

gamerchick · 18/05/2020 21:14

You don't need permission to leave. His anxiety is his problem and not yours to manage. What he's done is inexcusable and all on him.

JonbonMoany · 18/05/2020 21:21

Abusive behaviour will normally escalate. Also, think about how much this will impact your children and how they might grow up reacting to certain situations (if they're not grown already ofcourse!)

You only have one life, do you want it to be spent treading on eggshells? It's your choice. How do you want your life to go?

R3ALLY · 18/05/2020 21:26

Kids are primary age and noticing more and more. I just feel totally trapped. But I’ve been listening to ‘it’s all your fault’ for years... was I clumsy tonight? Yes. Did I deserve a total melt down? He says I did . I put on a great face to the outside world but I can’t keep living like this. Even if it is my fault

OP posts:

NoMoreDickheads · 18/05/2020 21:31

No it's not your fault if he acts like that in front of the kids. He doesn't have to do that, he could choose not to.

Tiptoeing around someone's moods is no way to live, and as someone who grew up round this and both I and my sister have been left with problems with anxiety, I think it's also very damaging to growing brains.

Please LTB xxx

JonbonMoany · 18/05/2020 21:32

I think you know that the reaction to something accidental really isn't normal, because the aggressive reaction is around you or in close proximity to you and your children, it really could escalate very quickly. You are being emotionally and verbally abused by being told it's all your fault, it isn't, mistakes happen.

When calmer heads are on, has he spoken about his temper before? Is he aware that he reacts in such an aggressive manner? If so, perhaps you could suggest some anger management counselling.

I would however be very concerned about how these episodes will effect your children, you DO NOT want this to be normalised. If you were to have a conversation with him about his behaviour and the effect on your children would he listen? Would he remain calm? If no, leave. It won't change.

R3ALLY · 18/05/2020 21:38

I’ve suggested counselling but he won’t because he says the issues are mine. He had a serious drink problem but dealt with it (with my support) and now says he is dealing with his issues very well and doesn’t need any more help. But he doesn’t see how negative he is being... always looking on the dark side. Annoyed with family, colleagues etc but keeps the happy face on and brings the anger home. He says it’s my job to support him and that he has done so well to tackle addiction that I need to support him. He has anxiety and panic attacks and a lot of work goes into managing them so I’m supposed to be supportive at all times. And I’m told I only think about myself!

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JonbonMoany · 18/05/2020 21:45

Well, it sounds like his emotional crutch (alcohol) has gone and he now cannot deal with conflict in a reasonable manner.

I am so sorry you have lived so much of your life with someone so selfish, firstly to put you and your children through alcohol abuse (which is horrific, my mother is an alcoholic so I sympathise) and then to inflict his lack of emotional control on you.

If he is unwilling to get help, there is nothing you can do. Simple. One has to first acknowledge their behaviour before they can change it. What about your needs? What about your feelings? There are the questions you need to ask yourself. Where in the marriage contract did it say you needed to sacrifice your own happiness to keep your husband in check? You're not there to bend to his every whim.

Just take a long look at what the future for you and your children looks like as things are currently, take a look at what it will be like when the moods and behaviour escalate and decide what you're going to do about it.

Who do you want your kids to be?

R3ALLY · 18/05/2020 22:11

I’m so well trained... I’m lying here now worried about him and if he’ll be able to work tomorrow. He’s having rolling panic attacks and is in a bad way. Covid is very hard on people with MH issues. I’m just so tired of trying to manage everything

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 18/05/2020 22:18

Yes it's hard on him, maybe, but it's hard on you and the children, too.

Do you have somewhere you could go to tomorrow? After all, if you're causing him so much stress, you'd be doing him a favour by going.

R3ALLY · 18/05/2020 22:25

We have nowhere to go, given lockdown. Also I’m working outside the home so I need him to be well enough to mind the kids... it’s a mess. I feel quite calm though. A few years ago I would have been in bits. But I feel.. numb. And I want change.

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Skyla2005 · 19/05/2020 16:14

Give him some real anxiety - leave him See how he gets on then. You should not be walking on egg shells that’s no way to live. And your right he is your children’s role model. Show them that this is not normal or acceptable behaviour Good luck

Bunnymumy · 19/05/2020 16:44

Yup ltb
He is an abusive shit head.

Texting you that he 'hates you'? What a lunatic. Also, he means it. And why would you want to stay with someone who hates you?

The kids will see this and grow up to enter and stay in abusive relationships too. If you stay.

And never go to counciling with an abuser.

Get yourself out of there a d then line up some counciling for yourself if need be.

nowayhose · 19/05/2020 16:48

You are being treated appallingly and he damn well knows it, so do the kids. :(

No-one deserves to be screamed at, threatened and physically assaulted then ignored when they have an accident, do they ? You know it's not acceptable at all, you just need to do something about it now.............

You also have to protect your children from this and to show them that it is NOT acceptable behaviour, otherwise they will grow up to either try to protect you from their father (NOT their job, is it ?) or to treat you the same way because they think it's OK (NOT what you want your DC doing, is it?)

Would he behave like that to his mother ? his boss ? his friends ? NO he would not, so he damn well KNOWS it's not OK, but he does it to you anyway.................

Yes, you must leave him ( or kick him out) as soon as possible. Don't worry about lockdown or where he would stay or any of that. That's HIS damn problem, not yours, and it's fine to leave due to domestic violence, and that's exactly what this is !

userabcname · 19/05/2020 16:59

If he's able to manage his anxiety well enough to terrorise his wife and children, I'm sure he is perfectly able to cope at work. If I were you I'd be making plans to leave.

nowayhose · 19/05/2020 17:02

I'm happy to say that his 'issues' and MH are NOT you're bloody problem ! They're HIS.

Why the hell should YOU support HIM when he NEVER supports you ???

Tell him to fuck off down the road, fuck off out the county, and then to fuck off some more .

Covid is stressful for absolutely everyone, not just HIM.

Your priority is the safety and wellbeing of you and your DC, NOT tip toeing around HIM !

He makes your life harder and scares his own kids, why would you let it continue ?

Plan whether you take the kids and go or whether you change the bloody locks while he's at work, and then do it................

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