Feeling paralysed

[wheresmolly]

I feel totally stuck and don't know where to turn.

Been with DP for about 16 months, living together half that time. I relocated to be here with him and all was good at the beginning. But about 3 months ago I realised the spark had died and it just wasn't panning out as I'd hoped, I'd say not for lack of trying on either side, I think we're just very different people. I also am finding it hard not having my own space, as I was used to.

There is nothing really wrong with DP but I find myself irrationally irritated by everything he does - even breathing 😒 plus his vaping and weird grunting noises that I can hear all round the house. I just can't picture us being together until we're old and grey, or until next year even. I am pretty sure he feels more positively about things which makes this even harder for me.

I find myself making excuses to go and sit upstairs on my own, just to escape, eg working, resting cos I'm tired... though currently I am needing to rest as my fibromyalgia which is normally very mild is out of control and I'm in agony all over - he keeps saying it's from working too much but I know it's the stress of thinking about everything.

I think back to when we first got together and it was all good, and we got along great but I didn't feel the same spark I've felt with other partners. I think I saw him as a "safe" option. If I give the back story to this it might explain a few things: a few years ago my abusive ex DP took his own life - this was preceded by months of abuse and me having to make him move out, whereupon he started harassing me. It was the most harrowing time of my life and I had many dark moments, it was incredibly lonely and I still feel awful guilt (though rationally I know I shouldn't). I think I was still quite vulnerable when I met current DP so someone with his head screwed on, no apparent issues, a good job and house were a welcome breath of fresh air. Now I'm sat here wishing I hadn't rushed into anything.

But also I am thinking I am 40 years old, and would like to think I'd have kids but have to be realistic. If I stayed with DP I could do this but if I left I might not get the chance again.

I find myself obsessively looking at rental listings for houses in the town where my family lives and daydreaming about the new simple life I'd build for myself there, nearer to friends and family too. I don't want to break DP's heart I don't know what the right thing to do is. Do I find somewhere to live first before telling him?! It's not like we have a spare bedroom I can stay in for the interim even and I can't stay with family as they are all shielding for various reasons. I feel so sad and stuck.

[wheresmolly]

Anyone?

[Kona84]

Maybe it’s the current Covidiot situation that is adding to you feeling stuck.
Have you tried making some plans with him, thinking ahead to what Christmas might look like for instance.
Could you still be grieving and just feeling low at the moment.

You could always flip a coin and see what it lands on you’ll know what you want then

[wheresmolly]

I felt like this before

[Fairycake2]

Have you had any counselling for what you went through with your ex?

[arbre]

I hate when that spark of excitement goes, but it usually does, even in the best of relationships. The important thing is-do you love him? Are you just bored?

If you think, you are just "settling", then maybe you are in the wrong relationship.

Like other posters suggested, it could just be recently being stuck in with the whole Covid thing, that's driving you up the wall. I.e I am sure when you met him, he either smoked or vaped, unlikely that he took the habit during your relationship.

So is there something else bothering you?

[Bunnymumy]

Relationship has run its course. These things happen. Set him free and go off on your adventure. Life is too short to stay with ppl who just dont make us happy.

Kids shmids.
Think you feel cornered now? You'd be run ragged AND depressed as fuck if you added kids to this mix.

I vote single adventure!

[LuxLuxLux84]

Bunnymumy is right what she describes became my life. Set yourself free.

[category12]

You're not really doing him any favours in the long run sticking around when you don't feel the same way about him as he does about you. It can't be nice for him if you feel annoyed by him.

Set both of you free to find someone better suited.

[LuluBellaBlue]

I hear you as I too am 40 and would like more children one day (I have a 16 yr old already) BUT it has to be with the right person and he’s not the one.
I’ve told myself I have until I’m 47 to meet the person, if I haven’t by then, it’s just not meant to be - so I’m basically saying you have no idea what tomorrow will bring or who you will meet, especially if you move back to an area with lots of friends and family! Go for it :)

[Nowstrong]

Don't waste your time, or his, and don't make yourself ill. The best thing to do is to leave. Stop daydreaming and take action. Move out. Don't continue to make yourself unhappy and in pain.
You can do this.

[Doughnut100]

Once you make the decision to really do it you will work out how.

He sounds like a classic rebound. Someone safe after someone dangerous. But he's not the one.

Don't stay with him because of this last-chance-saloon kids idea. It's hard to let go when you have the idea in your head that this is your last chance for a child. But trying to conceive can be HARD so if your relationship isn't solid now, it will only fall apart when you try. And if you're successful you'll be stuck with a connection to him for the rest of your life.

Go find someone that makes your heart sing. You deserve it.

[wheresmolly]

Going to see a property this afternoon. If that doesn't work out there's another promising one I've viewed via video already. Fingers crossed.

[Doughnut100]

Well done for organising the viewings, I hope one of them is good. X

[wheresmolly]

I saw the property and it is perfect. I could have cried with relief. Nearly didn't get to see it though (after travelling for an hour to get there!) as the agent didn't have the right code for the key box - I was thinking "this is just my luck". All fine in the end. It's newly refurbished - new kitchen, bathroom, carpets, appliances... just so nice. And with a lovely peaceful garden, 5 minutes walk from the sea. I have paid a holding deposit on it, fingers crossed it all works out ok. I am now sat by the sea getting some much needed therapy.

[wheresmolly]

It is a bit more than I'd normally want to spend but taking into account everything that is included with it, i.e. no appliances to buy or blinds or bedroom storage (all built in!) it should balance out!

[chatterbugmegastar]

Be happy. What's the point otherwise. Just do what makes your heart sing

[Doughnut100]

Good for you! Well done for being strong. I hope you feel free. The sea helps with that I find. X

[notthemum]

Blimey, you don't hang about. This is not a criticism. I am pleased that you are taking control of the situation. Have you got enough money to live on until you have a suitable job lined up? Will you be near or nearer to family and friends? You need to pack up your things and then tell him. It won't be easy but once you have made the decision and the move you will feel an overwhelming wave of relief. Keep us up to date (if you want to). Take care of you 💐🍷🍫

[ittooshallpass]

It sounds great. Get yourself in there as soon as you can. I met DP at 41... had baby at 42... just saying

[wheresmolly]

@notthemum my job is remote so I can work from anywhere - a huge blessing especially during these turbulent times!

[wheresmolly]

And I had to get on and do something as it's been eating away at me for ages and making me physically and mentally ill. After the experience with my ex who really did a number on me, I've learned that life is for living.

[notthemum]

Do you know what Molly I almost had a little tear and I don't do that often. I feel so proud of you. Now you need to feel proud of you too. Best wishes.

[Gutterton]

What an inspirational story. How impressive that you have taken action - it will be best for him in the medium term as well. What are your timescales and next steps?

Do you need some therapy to put to bed all of the trauma you have been through.

[wheresmolly]

I might be able to move in next week!

Terrified of telling him I'm leaving, I think he is kidding himself still that everything is fine with us I am dreading the moving out but, it's going to be tortuous, maybe he will go out for a bit. I feel so cruel and an awful person but I don't know any easier way?!

[chatterbugmegastar]

You're not cruel. You're not his mum nor are you responsible for him. You have to make yourself safe and happy and secure. It might be awkward whilst you move, but for a very short period of time.