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Husband refuses to see my family(108 Posts)
Just that really. What the heck do I do?!
We have had massive relationship issues in the last few years, which have recently got so bad I have been driven to seeking advice from my sister. I have kept issues to myself before, but just after Christmas it all got too much and i desperately needed someone to talk to. He knows and was really angry about it.
In March he moved out for a few weeks and I told my Mum the situation. He now thinks my whole family know everything about what has been going on, and won't believe me when I say they don't.
Now he is saying he won't see them again because of it. We had a big family wedding anniversary planned for next week, obviously it's not going ahead, but he was quite content for me and my daughter to go on our own.
He has also said the same about Christmas. The deal has always been that we do one Christmas with my family and one with his and alternate so it's fair, then we go and see the other family on Boxing Day. It has it's own challenges, but generally works. This coming Christmas it is our turn at my families. As a family we have already book a property to stay in (hopefully this happens still, with Covid around). It is something i look forward to all year.
He has always had a difficult relationship with my family, and generally makes family gatherings difficult for me. But now he is basically making me choose between him and them, just because he is worried I have told them too much! All because I needed some support.
How do I manage this. My family are incredibly important to me, as well he knows. We like very far away from them all and we are all dispersed so make a conscious effort to get together for big birthdays, wedding anniversaries and of course Christmas. Up until Lockdown, we saw his parents several times and week, and ho on holiday with them. I would never dream of putting him in the same situation!
He sounds incredibly selfish.
What were the issues that led you to talk to your sister?
Do you really want your marriage to continue? It sounds like it is on its last legs and sometimes it is better just to yank the plaster off. I would not want to be married to someone as controlling as that.
I can see both sides... I wouldn't like to know I'd been talked about...
BUT he is an adult and needs to grow up and get over it. Don't let him separate you from your family because of his ego. Tell him not to make you choose because he won't like your choice. Because it isn't a choice between him and your family, but his ego and your family. No contest.
Did he already make out that your family were superior or judgy before this latest episode, is that the thing? Now he's saying they'll look down on him even more?
Of course you talked to your family. Why would you not?
What do you get out of being married to this man?
Do you love him?
Do you want to grow old with him?
What are his redeeming qualities?
Either leave him or crack on. Take your daughter to see your family and get on with it. Tell them the truth that he doesn't want to come or lie and say he's busy. Whatever. Just don't take away your support network because he's a dick. Fuck him.
I'd be mortified if I knew my spouse had been talking about me in that way to their family. I wouldn't know what to do with myself in their company.
Whatever the right and wrongs in your relationship that led to those conversations with your sister and mother, it's entirely understandable for him to feel hugely embarrassed and uncomfortable. Wouldn't you, if the positions were reversed? Also he knows they've only heard your side of the situation, which will make him feel that he's been put in an unfair position.
@saraclara I appreciate that. And actually that is what put me off for so long. But it reached a point where I felt like I had no choice. I have been very vague to my family. And actually have only told as few people as possible the absolute bare bones. I agree, I would find it difficult to face his parents. But when he moved out, he moved in with them, and they were very aware of the situation as a result. But I had to face them, as awkward as it was, because they have our daughter during the day while I work. It just isnt practical for me to refuse to see them.
As long as he's not trying to keep you from seeing your family, I don't see the problem. You continue to see them. He's under no obligation, they're your family not his.
Thanks @roxfox. That is putting it simply and it is helpful. I know the decision I am faced with about our relationship as a whole. Either come to terms with certain things that make me unhappy, or get out. It's a bloody difficult decision to make though.
I think we all need to be discreet when talking about our problems but I honestly struggle to understand why asking for support from your family is a problem and I'd see this as incredibly controlling. I've seen people on here come on before to say they can't talk to anyone in real life because their DP won't 'like it or similar and my heart sinks every time.
Certainly, in my family, if I have an issue with Dh I'm as likely to get told, "sheesh Bling, you're being completely unreasonable and unfair right now" as anything else.
Usually, the situations where it needs to be kept secret is because whatever the issue is, it's so serious that everyone knows the family would be appalled. "I can't tell my mum about DH hitting me because she won't understand and will hate him forever AND he'll be really upset with me for ruining his relationship with her and this is something we need to work through together."
It also sounds like from the start he hasn't wanted you to be close to your family. Which is also very concerning to me. I think a partner who tries to drive a wedge between you and your family is someone to be extremely wary of. (for record, this applies to both men and women).
My MIL and her husband (not my DH Dad) went through a rocky stage in their marriage about 7 years ago. It was close to divorce and MIL spoke to me and DH about it.
But, they managed to sort out their relationship and worked through problems. They are still happily married now.
We had similar issues. FIL (he's actually step FIL) stopped coming to ours during the marriage troubles. In the 12 months after their troubles he didn't come to ours often (inc one Christmas, for the first time) - probably for similar reasons to your DH. He felt judged, like we weren't on his side, embarrassed probably.
We just all took out time. DH and I made sure we always invited FIL to everything. We would deliberately ask "Is FIL coming?". We didn't judge or mind if he didn't come, but wanted to ensure he knew he was welcome in our lives (and more importantly our children's lives- he is their grandad).
It took time but the frostiness has eased. I have to say, 7 years on, he's no longer as close to us as he was before the troubles. But we have rebuilt a relationship and he does regularly join in family events.
So my advice to OP would be to ask your family to stay inclusive but patient. Keep inviting him, don't be offended if he doesn't come and continue inviting him despite him saying no. And give it time.
@ravenmum yes in short he has always said that. And actually it has caused a lot of friction between us in the past.
Either come to terms with certain things that make me unhappy, or get out. It's a bloody difficult decision to make though.
So I assume these are things your family would also find very difficult to accept? In which case, he doesn't want you talking to them because the chances are they'll tell you NOT to accept whatever it is. And as a general rule, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and swims like a duck... it's a duck. Behaviour that everyone finds unacceptable is probably unacceptable.
Thanks @FATEdestiny that is a helpful way of looking at it.
He's not exactly trying to make things better in the relationship, is he?
Maybe he has a bit of an inferiority complex? Not that it's for you to deal with, but maybe he could do with some counselling (sorry, usual boring advice).
In my exh's family, the wife of a lovely uncle ran off with her tennis coach. He was devastated, still loved her - everyone was angry with her. Then she came crawling back to him and reappeared at family events. Nobody did or said anything to make her feel uncomfortable, as it would have made the lovely uncle uncomfortable too. It didn't take long to feel quite normal again. But she has a very strong personality and I doubt she was too worried.
What will happen if you let him stay away and go alone? Will he make a fuss about that too?
So in his mind it's ok his family know his side of things (assuming this as he stayed with them) but not your family ?
He's never liked visiting your side and now he feels he has a reason (excuse) not to go. Go without him, keep seeing your family and don't feel one bit sorry. He's trying to get rid of your side from his life, that's fine but not for you.
In return I'd not be allowing his parents on holiday with you or going to his for Christmas and I'd tell his parents why... what's good for the goose and all that
He sounds horrible. Are you sure you want to be with him? Don’t let him cut you off from your family
@ravenmum, in short I'm fairly certain he will make an issue over it. And almost certainly I will be expected at his parents house on Boxing Day, which I will do because they have a right to see their grandchild, and because I have a good relationship with them.
And almost certainly I will be expected at his parents house on Boxing Day, which I will do because they have a right to see their grandchild and because I have a good relationship with them
Then he can take the kids to his parents, and you can see them any other time.
Just because I have done this, talking to people about DP thing I want to add. On occassion in the first year or two of this relationship I'm in now I had times when I went to my step mom and ranted mightily about DP.
I know damn well DP knew about it, but not once ever has he seen his arse and told me he wont visit her or I cant visit her. He has also talked to his family about me. I personally dont care. He can say whatever he wants so long as it's true.
But then I've never cared what other people think of me.
\has anything really changed though this just seems to be more issues.
I suspect part of your problems stem from him wanting his own way, wanting you to follow his set of rules but he doesnt follow them back
What made you decide to give this another go because I suspect it was your DD and Im not sure this is right for her
Your relationship issues never get resolved they just fester and repeat. You are appear stuck in a cycle of putting out individual fires and not recognising that actually, these instances are part of a pattern.
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