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I can't live with him!

(58 Posts)
Whatdoiwantt Mon 18-May-20 13:10:02

This could be a long post so thank you in advance for reading..

I have been with my partner about 16 months, we knew each other for a few years before and had always been really good friends and when we both became single at the same time it just kind of happened naturally and I really thought we were 'meant to be' (🤮 lol)
I fell pregnant 3 months into our relationship and we now have a beautiful 4 month old baby girl.

Not long after I fell pregnant we decided to move in together, we were both back home living with our parents and having a baby on the way it just made sense to get our own place and set up home for our little arrival.
But now we live together, I just can't put up with him, he's just so lazy!
We've had lots of arguments, talks and discussions about house work but it just never sticks - apart from that he agreed to do all washing up, which he does ONCE a day, usually in the morning so everything from the day before is scattered around the sink until he can be bothered to clean up.😷 I used to give in and do it sooner but I'm not doing everything for him anymore!
When we discuss housework he will say he will chip in more, that he'll wash clothes and cook etc. Everytime he will put a load of washing in ONCE and then its forgotten about, I end up rewashing it and emptying the washer then he doesn't even try again.
Another irritating clothing he does, when he comes home at any point he'll go upstairs to get changed into comfy clothes, the clothes he takes off always get laid out on the bed on 'my side' of the bed then when he goes to bed he moves the clothes from the bed to the top of the chest of drawers we have and lays them out on there if they can be reworn or chucked in the corner if dirty. The room is a constant mess! His shoes are always in the middle of the floor, his dressing gown dumped on the floor or on the end of my side of the bed, why is it so hard to put stuff away!? confused
When he isn't working, he works 8.30-4.30 and is currently working from home, he sits in bed watching films, very rarely sits downstairs with me and even eats up there too!🤮
I feel like we are housemates and I have pulled the short straw and have to share a bed with him!
I hate living with him and dont see anything changing, I hoped it might once our baby came but nope. If anything it's worse because there is more stuff to do around the house and less time to do it.

He does help with the baby a little, he gets up for her first bottle (between half 5 and half 6 - he always got up at 6 for work so he said it wasn't any different for him getting up). And while I'm cooking our tea he takes her for a while and on a weekend when hes not working he will take her so i can get on top of any housework that i haven't managed to do through the week.

I don't know what I really want from posting this, maybe just to let it all out or some advice? Has anyone been with anyone like this? Did anything ever change?
I don't want to be a single parent but I also dont feel like I'm in a relationship either?
I just feel so alone and lockdown is just highlighting things even more!

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Whatdoiwantt Mon 18-May-20 13:10:39

Wow that is longer than I thought!

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Delbelleber Mon 18-May-20 13:16:46

Omg that would drive me nuts. I was in a long term relationship and we would argue about housework. Since we broke up and living alone I wouldn't want to live with another adult again!
You have my sympathy.

Whatdoiwantt Mon 18-May-20 13:20:50

@delbelleber thank you! I do feel like living alone was so much more enjoyable lol

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Khadernawazkhan Mon 18-May-20 13:33:13

How pathetic, lazy and utterly self centred of him. Does he deny his laziness or does he want to change to save his relationship with you?

Whatdoiwantt Mon 18-May-20 13:35:40

@khadernawazkhan we spoke about it last week and he said 'I'll move out after lockdown if that's what you want' so the answer is pretty much no I won't change isn't it?

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humanvision123 Mon 18-May-20 13:37:02

Its lack of private space. Lots of things changed. Your hormones are all over the place. ... and might be that he just don't have experience how to be a dad to a newborn?

Its a bad time to make any decisions: you are still hormonal and its very unusual time (lock down).
I would like to encourage you to rename the situation:
Call it - a one year trial as potential house mates :D ( I get it: you pulled the short straw) but how would you solve this situation with a housemate if you are stuck for a year?
Have constructive meetings: "How we can share our responsibilities around the house and a baby equally?"
Create a possible plan and try it for two months. Then talk again; what did work, what did not - and make a new better plan.
Let him to put his chores in his phone as reminders. Worked miracles with my DD's BF when they lived in our house.
Be more specific: the clothes have to get in the washing machine at midday, 12 and out of washing machine for 2pm. Let him have an alarm set for 2pm.
Put a chair in the bedroom for his clothes. He will be able to put his stuff on that chair and it will be less irritating for you.
He sounds like someone who has been looked after by his mum and never had to keep up with everyday chores by himself. He just doesn't have any experience how. Good thing is that he seems to be open to try and doesn't act rude and doesn't refuse to help. just ....forgets grin

Iflyaway Mon 18-May-20 13:39:39

He sounds like a lazy teenager.

I'm a single parent, yes, it's tough but SO much better than having a man-child around the house to stress over.

catsandlavender Mon 18-May-20 13:42:10

My boyfriend does the same thing with his clothes when he goes to bed, leaves them on the floor, but I figure it’s his flat too and he can leave his clothes on the bedroom floor overnight if he wants. However that’s in the context of him being generally near and tidy, doing all the cooking/washing up the pans as he goes and also doing all DIY/bills/watering our 70+ house plants.

Your bf on the other hand is being a twat. Ask him why he thinks he’s entitled to not do any housework? Ask him why he thinks it’s your job to do the washing again when he’s not bothered to do it properly? Is there something about you that means it’s your responsibility and not his? I find when you put it to them like this they literally have no answer other than “I cba” hmm

It’s disrespectful for him to consistently put his needs above yours. He’s basically saying “I refuse to do something that I don’t want to”, it’s up to you if you want to be with someone like that. There has to be compromise on both sides when two partners have different standards of tidiness etc but leaving it all to you and basically acting like a single 19 year old living with his mum is not the one 🤢

Whatdoiwantt Mon 18-May-20 14:16:05

Its a bad time to make any decisions: you are still hormonal and its very unusual time (lock down).
I keep telling myself hormones are probably making it worse but I feel like that's just me making excuses for him

@humanvision123 should I really have to ask him to put reminders in his phone, should it be that hard to look after your home?

He sounds like a lazy teenager.
Never a truer statement, I asked him to make tea one night a few weeks ago, nothing hard just something chucked in the oven and the look and groan I got! The fact he's older than me and does that to me repulses me!

He sounds like someone who has been looked after by his mum and never had to keep up with everyday chores by himself. He just doesn't have any experience how.
Until just before we lived together and he stayed with his mum for a while he had been in a long term relationship for about 7 years.. I guess she wiped his backside for him too!

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Whatdoiwantt Mon 18-May-20 14:19:20

@catsandlavender I 100% agree.. I'm not a clean freak by any means but I've never met anyone so lazy, messy, and who has a complete ignorance to any house work.. he doesnt even do diy or gardening. My 2 previous boyfriends were keen diyers/mechanic/gardeners it was never an ask to do anything its such a chore to even ask for a hand!

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highmarkingsnowmobile Mon 18-May-20 14:24:49

He's a lazy manchild. Now you know. It's not your hormones, it's not lockdown, he's shown you who he is. This is who he is. You had a baby with someone you didn't know. Now, you're getting to know him. He won't change. You are flogging a dead horse. It's not 'helping' or 'asking for a hand' it's not pulling your weight in life and not behaving as an adult. Stop making excuses for him.

Fucking 'training' him, training is for dogs. Or lists or bloody reminders on his phone to pull his pants up.

Honestly, it's better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

He won't change. He won't change. He won't change.

OhTheGeese Mon 18-May-20 14:26:43

I couldn't live like that OP. I'd be issuing an ultimatum and if (when) he doesn't change I would be making plans to leave. You are much better off without a millstone like him round your neck. Just be grateful that you haven't wasted any more of your life on him!

Bringmewineandcake Mon 18-May-20 14:27:35

He sounds awful. You're already a single parent just with the added hardship of a messy adult also being in the house.
He doesn't have to wait till after lockdown, he can leave now. Or you go back to your parents.
Either way, get rid.

AnotherBoredOne Mon 18-May-20 14:28:45

You don't have to stay with him. He won't change. Leave now before it gets harder.
Give him an ultimatum to get his act together or you are done.
He doesn't want a wife/partner - he wants a maid.

PersephoneandHades Mon 18-May-20 15:02:12

I could not put up with that because at the end of the day it comes down to the fact that he doesn’t respect you.

I agree that you should have a proper system in place for housework and give him a chance to up his game, I know it is not the same situation by any means but I was also extremely lazy as an young adult and took my parents for granted in terms of them cleaning up for me. It wasn’t because I was a bad person I just didn’t have enough respect for them. Again, different because you are NOT his mother, but sometimes good people get complacent.

If he does not change then an ultimatum should be given because he simply should not be treating you like his cleaner. You are supposed to be equal partners and if he doesn’t/refuses to see that then you are already single.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 18-May-20 15:08:53

I could not and would not live like this. He clearly has very little respect for you.

copycopypaste Mon 18-May-20 15:17:22

God no! I couldn't live with someone like that. Do you have a spare room you could move into, let him fester in his own shit?

I was going to say stop washing, cooking and cleaning for him but you'd still have his washing up and cleaning the communal areas. Tbh it's quite clear he won't change. Personally I couldn't live like that

Whatdoiwantt Mon 18-May-20 15:44:52

Thank you everyone for your replies, I was starting to think it was normal but I've been so unhappy with living like this for a while now, since before our baby came, and I thought it was just because I was pregnant that it was such an issue but I know in my heart, in my gut and in my head that this just can't carry on.

I need to tell him I am not happy and that he needs to go.

I never even saw it as a respect thing but now it's been pointed out it's even more of an issue for me.

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Whatdoiwantt Mon 18-May-20 15:47:24

I slept on the sofa from around 5months pregnant as I just couldnt face going into the bedroom with all his mess, the duvet in a big ball in the middle of the bed made me feel physically sick, I feel dramatic saying that but it literally turned my stomach!

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rvby Mon 18-May-20 15:49:47

I'd keep him around until baby is older. If you dump him now, you'll end up doing ALL the baby work with no break, until baby is old enough to do overnights with dad. And even then, dad might lose interest over that period of time, and then you end up a lone parent by default.

Unfortunately you had a kid with someone before living with them, that is on you - so now, I'd probably just try to focus on making choices that make life easiest for you and are best for baby.

For me, barring any other circumstances, it would be:
- stay housemates until baby is about 3
- get onto hormonal contraception, do not have another baby with him, no matter what your hormones say/ what your family or friends think of only children
- build relationships with his family, facilitate baby bonding with them a bit
- make sure your own family relationships are strong
- get a good group of mummy friends
- get back into work

... and then split with him when you're stronger and no longer have a teeny baby in the mix.

ZooKeeper19 Mon 18-May-20 15:57:16

I agree, run.

If you are in too much doubt, stop cleaning for him and cooking for him for one week. See if he realises how much work on top of all the baby care you have to manage. If not (which is my guess) just leave. No drama, just say you have one baby and that is enough for you at the moment.

highmarkingsnowmobile Mon 18-May-20 16:00:16

She's doing all the baby stuff now. LOL @ overnights, men like this CBA'd. Ridiculous to live for years with a disrespectful sexist who treats you like a skivvy, much less shag them, too.

Whatdoiwantt Mon 18-May-20 16:15:14

I'd keep him around until baby is older. If you dump him now, you'll end up doing ALL the baby work with no break
One more bottle a day and an hour free while I cook isn't going to make much difference tbh.
Surely me being unhappy for the next 3 years isn't good for my baby?

No drama, just say you have one baby and that is enough for you at the moment.

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rvby Mon 18-May-20 16:18:12

Absolutely op, up to you. As a mum myself I'm sharing what you could do, depending on your circumstances. But if you are so unhappy that you need to leave him, that's totally fair.

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