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Is this doomed from the start?

(20 Posts)
dexmorgan Mon 18-May-20 11:16:38

Okay, so I've been in two minds about posting about this, however yesterday was a bit of a nail in the coffin for me. 🥴 I'm in need of some advice.

I've been dating a guy for a while now. Things got relatively serious pretty quick, we just clicked etc etc, you know the usual cliche. I haven't been in a relationship since my 7 year relationship with my sons father ended back in jan 2018. That relationship was abusive and toxic. So this is huge for me. Being able to trust someone again and allow them into my life.

Now, the problem is not the relationship. My problem is my family. Our relationship is still very much between us and we aren't public with it as of yet. That being said, I told my younger sister and my closest friend from the beginning. More of a safety measure for me as I have been through some terrible things in the past. They keep all of my secrets and vice versa.

It should be an exciting time, and it is don't get me wrong, but when it comes to telling my family in the future I'm filled with dread and anxiety. His job is being a police officer. And I respect that so much. I've never had a bad experience personally with the police, that being said I know others have. I had a feeling my family might have something to say about the police as a whole, more flippant remarks, but yesterday during a conversation on group video chat the police came up (for whatever reason I can't remember) and there was a whole lot of hatred against them. I don't understand it personally, and I felt so awkward.

Probably completely an irrational thought, but I can't help but feel like they will potentially ruin a good situation that I can have and for what? I don't even want to tell them but realistically a) how long can I hide him from that and b) why should I even have to?

He is such a kind person, actually makes me happy but my family can be so damn narrow minded it's actually painful.

I guess my question is what do I do if/when that time comes? My anxiety has always been pretty crap at the best of times. I dunno. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Hope this post makes sense 🥴

OP’s posts: |
ravenmum Mon 18-May-20 12:07:53

Avoid your family as much as possible? They sound strange.

dexmorgan Mon 18-May-20 12:28:47

I guess I'm starting to realise that 😔

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AvoidingRealHumans Mon 18-May-20 13:01:04

You've found a good man with a good career and you should be able to shout it from the rooftops.
I would just be straight and tell your family that you've met someone and you're really happy, if they ask what he does then tell them.
You are expecting some flippant remarks and maybe some jokes but I would make it very clear that after they have had their 1st jokes that you won't be tolerating anymore.

Let them know that if they can't be happy for you then you'll take a step back from them until they grow up.

Life is too short to base your happiness on the opinions of others.

Itsallgonewoowoo Mon 18-May-20 13:13:02

My abusive DF was a devote church goer and my siblings have religion as a consequence. I met DH who was very involved in his local church, no sex before marriage etc and I was worried about how my family would react.

They made a couple of very light jokes, he laughed back and that was it, 20 years on it's never been an issue. Is it possible your family will surprise you?

Itsallgonewoowoo Mon 18-May-20 13:13:25

# HATE not have

humanvision123 Mon 18-May-20 13:18:31

What do your family has against police or police officers ?
Any bad experience?

MagnoliaJustice Mon 18-May-20 13:22:46

I do wonder, when people are vehemently anti-police, what they feel guilty about.

You should be proud of yourself and your boyfriend. It's your life, not theirs, and I would rather date a police officer with a career, than someone who breaks the law.

dexmorgan Mon 18-May-20 13:27:19

I am immensely proud of what he does. It was only a month before we met that I was considering apply for the police myself, something I'd always wanted to do. Sadly I can't. So meeting him and finding out what his job was was very surprising for the timing 😂

I'm not entirely sure what they have against the police. As far as I'm aware, they haven't had any particular run ins that result in such disgust.

I think I'm very different to my family. I've been accused a lot before of either taking sides in things or sitting on the fence in certain scenarios. I just have a very different outlook on things and have for years.

He has absolutely no idea about any of this. I've mentioned my family in passing and when he asks about who they are etc. But I can't bring myself to tell him anything else. I love my family. But it's just two very different worlds so it seems 😔

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Zaphodsotherhead Mon 18-May-20 13:28:07

Your family aren't dating him. You are. You can't really allow your life and happiness to be dictated by other people's reactions, or where will it end?

dexmorgan Mon 18-May-20 13:31:07

You're right. I guess it's not dictated to as such, because essentially I will do what I want to do. I think I'm more worried about him finding out what they're like 😫

Time to grow a backbone I think.

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sniffysnuffler Mon 18-May-20 13:41:10

I'm sorry this is making you anxious! I too have been through the 'having relationship with a nice person after an abusive partner' thing. I wonder whether your experiences with your ex might be adding to your anxiety? Honestly, assuming your family know about your experiences with your ex, they might just be happy to see you happy and with someone who treats you respectfully (although perhaps you could expect them to be cautious for a while, as my family was after my ex). Could be that the negative remarks about the police come cheap when it doesn't affect anyone they know, but that they will happily put them aside after being introduced to your boyfriend. If not ... then yeah, that might be a problem, although it's really their problem.

I do wonder, when people are vehemently anti-police, what they feel guilty about. - some people have been treated unjustly by the police and might be against them for that reason, rather than because they feel guilty.

dexmorgan Mon 18-May-20 14:28:22

@sniffysnuffler they do know about the abusive relationship yeah. It ended very badly and it affected my mental health to the point where I was placed under section. It caused a huge rift in the family for over a year. It's pretty complicated. I agree that the previous relationship is adding to my own anxieties, it's a mixture of everything. I never had a normal relationship and I grew up around domestic violence and abuse so the police actually played a very significant role in my life throughout everything which is why I'm confused as to their hatred. I'm obviously trying to be overly cautious as this is essentially all new to me. I'm having to learn everything and I'm almost 30 years old which is quite sad really.

I think I definitely will be attempting to keep them separate to the relationship, I just know that may prove quite difficult as I am fairly close to them. Despite how they are in certain scenarios I still love and care for them. I just don't agree with them.

It's inevitable that providing the relationship continues to go well that one day they will meet. But maybe I need to keep it as basic as that. 😕

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nattiee Mon 18-May-20 23:09:14

After everything that went on with your ex, surely your family could forget the fact he is a police officer and be happy that you have found someone that makes you happy.

NoMoreDickheads Tue 19-May-20 01:26:40

I've had some bad experiences with the police (not taking rapes seriously.)

As long as they aren't hardened criminals, I'm sure they don't hate the police so much that they'll loathe and reject someone based on the job.

I think most people realize there are good and bad in most professions.

ravenmum Tue 19-May-20 08:19:43

If this is e.g. a family with lots of young black men in it, in an area where young black men are commonly treated as criminals, then I could also understand their issues.

The comment about them being very narrow minded makes it sound like it's something else, though - and the fact that you just assume they will cause trouble.

Do you think the abusive relationship was in any way a continuation of your childhood relationships?

Onone Tue 19-May-20 08:25:36

Don’t dump a guy because of your family,lead your own life

dexmorgan Tue 19-May-20 11:31:53

@NoMoreDickheads I'm really sorry to hear that it wasn't taken seriously. It's soul destroying how cases like that don't end up getting the justice that's deserved and I can completely empathise.

@ravenmum my family isn't the example you gave, no. I understand why that could have been your thought process though. I would agree that the abusive relationship was a continuation of sorts. I was abused as a child and never really got to learn what was right and wrong in between that and my long term relationship with my ex if that makes sense.

@Onone ending the relationship was never an option for me, for sure. I think it's just more the anxieties of having to deal with families opinions.

OP’s posts: |
ravenmum Tue 19-May-20 11:36:17

So if you let your family come between you and a good relationship with a kind person with a responsible job, that might just be another thing to add to the list of damage they have done...?

dexmorgan Tue 19-May-20 11:51:22

Yeah, I think it would be. The list has to end somewhere.

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