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How do I stop being obsessed with an LDR guy who left me?(2 Posts)
Situation: came out of a long term abusive marriage with a drink problem. Drank to dull the pain. Have PTSD from childhood trauma. Left the ex, moved in with family temporarily, stopped drinking.
I had an online LD thing with a guy halfway round the world. We connected over shared hobbies, had so much in common. I thought he was perfect. And have such low self-esteem I couldn't believe that such an amazing guy was telling me he was falling in love with me, calling me sexy. I lived for any contact from him. No love or validation in my former marriage for over 15 years.
Started with emails and messages multiple times a day. Started phoning - long calls of 5-6 hours minimum, just once every few weeks. Said he wanted to come over here next year. If we got on well, he'd move here. Overjoyed, fantasies of a future together. Sent him a long email confessing I was deeply in love. Shortly after that, the contact started scaling back. He said he was busy. I wanted so desperately to believe him. He swore he was genuine. I still sent him long daily emails and lots of messages to say hi.
He confessed to having a girlfriend. But said he wasn't in love with her. They never had sex (her fault). And he was temporarily stuck with her as lockdown was coming and she had nowhere else to go. Normally this isn't a line I'd cross but loved him so much. Besides, how could that awful woman not adore him??
I should have faced reality and stopped trying. Did he scale it back because he felt he had me on the hook and no longer had to try? And what about those red flags - something he said hinted that he loved connecting with women online. Was I reading too much into it, or does he toy with people? And I caught him out in a few small lies, but didn't confront him.
We haven't had regular contact for a few months now. Our last phone call he shocked me by making references to phone sex. I wasn't ready, we'd already said goodbye so I didn't respond. Contact dropped off even further after that. But my obsession with him has grown. Checking his social media at least twice a day, emailing him once every 7-10 days. Drunken emails, ranging from lashing out in pain, to "normal emails" about life, to grovelling apologies. Seeing him flirting mildly on a hobby website with other women, so drunkenly creating a fake profile and writing fake posts to try and draw him into conversation (pathetic!) Which didn't work. I've behaved pathetically.
At one point he called me abusive for lashing out. Said he's terrified to talk to anyone else online now and it's all my fault. He'd really liked me, been nothing but honest and true, but I'd broken him, just like his abusive ex-wife. I felt horrible & sent another grovelling apology. He replied later saying he wanted to be friends. Nothing since then. By this point my drinking had escalated wildly.
I broke down last week and confessed my drinking to my family. I've been sober since & stopped smoking. It hasn't been long so I'm still in withdrawals. Joined an online support group. Who tell me I need to make major changes. Replace drinking with new things. Be more proactive, focus on me, build self-esteem, learn mindfulness. If I do all this, I won't so desperately need validation from others, that I'll fall helplessly in love with the first man who shows me kindness. I won't be so pathetically desperate. And I need to stay away from anything more than simple friendship as I need to fix myself first.
I've deleted the email account I used to contact him & most of the online accounts we talked on. Deleted contact details. Pictures. He can't contact me, I've taken control of that. But how do I get him out of my head? Whether he was genuine or toying with me doesn't matter - the fact is I'm in no state for any kind of relationship, even just LD. And he doesn't want me. But I can't shut up the part of my brain that thinks he's perfect, hates herself for "ruining things", thinks of him obsessively, kicks herself for not being ready for phone sex at the time, is convinced she can "fix this" if she just waits long enough, and longs to nose online and see what he's up to?
I want him gone from my brain, but HOW?? I've never had an obsession over anyone before. I don't know how to fix it. I want it over.
Don't have much advice but we'll done for taking back control and making changes in your life.
I would definitely advice doing the freedom programme to help you spot red flags and avoid these kind of situations.
You need to take him off your mental pedestral, remind yourself of the lying and all the flaws he had.
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