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Why do (some) men do this ? Grrr

(26 Posts)
Heatherjayne1972 Sun 17-May-20 18:59:34

First i know not all men do this and women are just as bad

But. I’ve just finished with another one who won’t take no for an answer
Husband ages ago used to get stroppy if I said no to sex - he’s now an Exh

Old contact earlier this year ( before lockdown) tried to persuade me I wasn’t really busy - even tho I said I was
Got weird so I ended that

Most recent person wanted a naked pic for ‘his own personal use’ - yuk yuk yuk
I said no but every morning he’s watts apping asking where the pic is and how sad that I don’t trust him / how he’s really struggling etc etc
So gross. He’s blocked of course

But why? Why can’t no be no
Why can’t they just say ‘that’s a pity never mind - sorry I asked / didn’t mean to offend

Arrgh. It’s so insulting. Even my kids know that no is no

Any thoughts ??

OP’s posts: |
Lsquiggles Sun 17-May-20 19:04:18

You're picking the wrong men confused

GilbertMarkham Sun 17-May-20 19:07:00

Nice bit of victim blaming there.

It's not like there's any shortage of pushy, sleazy men in the world.

Rightbutno Sun 17-May-20 19:07:51

They feel entitled to women's bodies and sex. Mainly because of the patriarchal society we live in. But as not all me do this there's also part of it is the individual. So how effected by that society they are ie their upbringing, culture and friendship group. Basically = how misogynistic they are. Nice men who respect women don't do this.

MargeSimpsonswig Sun 17-May-20 19:08:57

You are attracting emotionally abusive men who don't respect your boundaries, don't respect you as a person and are behaving like the selfish arseholes they are. If anyone (man or woman) doesnt respect your right to say no then you need to cut them off swiftly and well done for cutting off those other knobbers.

Look up narcissistic abuse and the tactics they use to manipulate and control. They are looking for someone who puts up with this crap and will constantly test your boundaries to see how far they can control you.

Normal, emotionally healthy people don't do this.

Little Shamen and Lisa Romano are excellent sources of info on youtube.

Opentooffers Sun 17-May-20 19:18:33

There will likely be a higher proportion of single men who don't take no for an answer as it's why they are single, so it just seems like they are everywhere. You just have to have your guard up, the signs are usually there just by how they talk about women in general. Ask the right questions early on and you can weed them out, just some of the many things women have to sort through in life.

SandyY2K Sun 17-May-20 19:20:56

This sending of nudes is so juvenile. I wouldn't send them to my DH...and he would know better than to ask.

Heatherjayne1972 Sun 17-May-20 21:02:23

You’re all so right
Thankyou

Apart from the Exh. The others were weeded our pretty quickly - within a month or so

It’s just annoyed me in the last few days

It’s Almost as though they believe ‘no’ is a starting point for negotiation or a challenge or they think I don’t really mean it

OP’s posts: |
ThirtyAndASmidgen Sun 17-May-20 21:08:58

I’m having exactly the same experience. The seemingly nice, normal men quickly become incredibly pushy and won’t take no for an answer. I have 300 contacts blocked on my phone. That shows you the extent of it.

opticaldelusion Sun 17-May-20 21:17:41

I've never met a man like this tbh.

Frlrlrubert Sun 17-May-20 21:59:15

It's how they're taught to interact though isn't it. How many movies does the guy badger the woman/girl until she gives in and they fall in love and live happily ever after?

I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying you can see why some of them are like that.

'Ask me again and I'll be contacting the police' would be my next line.

Thirty you definitely should actually contact the police, if you haven't already.

They need to learn that this is not ok behaviour - it's harassment.

NoMoreDickheads Sun 17-May-20 22:27:41

First i know not all men do this and women are just as bad

The vast majority of sexual crime and sexual coercion is by men, though.

They do it because they think they deserve sex, that they'll get away with it, or some of them even enjoy violating/pushing consent.

The first sign of anything like this in any relationship I'm in in future, and it's the end.
-
You're picking the wrong men
You are attracting emotionally abusive men

@Lsquiggles @MargeSimpsonswig Anyone can come across a wanker, what matters is how we deal with it.

It’s just annoyed me in the last few days

You're right to be annoyed. That sense of annoyance is healthy because it could quicken the binning process. So, first or second time they ask you to 'send nudes' = 'Fuck Off' and block, or block wordlessly.

It's how they're taught to interact though isn't it. How many movies does the guy badger the woman/girl until she gives in and they fall in love and live happily ever after?

@Frlrlrubert I get what you mean, but nagging women for nudes isn't in the movies for a romantic male lead. smile

I've had ones going 'Oh WHEN are we going to have sex?' 'I can't believe you're not in the mood!' 'I deserve it' Many other incidents. Lots of storming around and other games. Many different men over the years. That's aside from the full on illegal sexual assaults/rapes.

Personally I don't feel the need for a man right now. Sick of all the crap.

ThirtyAndASmidgen Sun 17-May-20 22:31:18

@NoMoreDickheads I told a (gay) male friend last night how many times I’ve been raped, sexually assaulted or stalked, and I think he was genuinely astonished and appalled. He didn’t realise how prevalent it is. Most of my friends have had similar experiences, so I know it’s not just me.

I’ve had the police involved several times, been under police protection and also had special security protocols at work - all due to different men.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 17-May-20 22:33:47

I'm thinking you might be ignoring lots of red flags that are evident from the very beginning.

ThirtyAndASmidgen Sun 17-May-20 22:34:08

The scariest part is that all these men were outwardly respectable, had first-rate educations and excellent jobs. Nobody would believe they could have acted in the way they did, and in fact, many people did disbelieve me. Not the police, though.

It’s no exaggeration to say that accepting a date is literally trying to weigh up the likelihood of being raped or stalked again.

ThirtyAndASmidgen Sun 17-May-20 22:34:59

@Aquamarine1029 If it makes you feel safer to believe that, then do, but I’ve had quite a few men turn into a different person when I politely declined sex.

ThirtyAndASmidgen Sun 17-May-20 22:35:48

The ones with blatant red flags from the beginning don’t get as far as a date. I’m not stupid.

BubblyBarbara Sun 17-May-20 22:38:26

There are plenty of more staid laid back men out there who aren't sex mad, you just need to find them. The problem is some people seem attracted to more "exciting" men and they by their very nature tend to have more testosterone than the safer men. You need to go for something more boring and on your wavelength

madcatladyforever Sun 17-May-20 22:44:15

I disagree with you, I don't think women are like this, I've only ever met one who is an aggressive sex pest and she was 6 foot 2 and clearly had hormonal problems.
I dump blokes as soon as they exhibit these nasty behaviours and I am very picky with who I will go out with.

madcatladyforever Sun 17-May-20 22:46:07

For the record I went onto OLD with a very attractive photo saying I'm asexual and only interested in a similar male.
Got around 200 likes and hearts all over the place and not one single message. So it just goes to show what most blokes on OLD are about.

NoMoreDickheads Sun 17-May-20 22:48:23

The problem is some people seem attracted to more "exciting" men and they by their very nature tend to have more testosterone than the safer men

Testosterone doesn't have to make men wankers, and men with low testosterone can be wankers too. It's all in their attitude to women and sex, and their personality. And it's not always obvious at first of course.

BubblyBarbara Sun 17-May-20 22:54:21

Testosterone doesn't have to make men wankers

Men with higher testosterone are statistically more likely to take risks, want to have sex more often, be stronger etc. There are lots of types of "be a wanker".. the high testosterone ones will be the ones who want sex and titillation. The low ones will be the lazy video game playing losers.

NoMoreDickheads Sun 17-May-20 23:16:08

Bubby- My latest 'ex' was completely impotent with one ball, and I expect didn't have high testosterone. But he was obsessed with trying to get 'sex' off anyone he could etc, including meeting male strangers. It was a psychological compulsion or something.

I don't think there's much correlation between testosterone and sexual crime journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1079063216637857

Pestering and stropping I consider a harbinger or echo of sexual crime. It's sexual coercion. I hope it's illegal one day in and of itself, rather than maybe as it perhaps is now as part of the (barely enforced at all) coercive control law.

DamnYankee Sun 17-May-20 23:17:38

* he’s really struggling etc etc*

<Throw up a little in my mouth>

Maybe you are just a stunner who makes men lose their minds? That's what I'd be telling myself.
You've got brains and taste. Your kids are lucky to have you help them navigate adolescence!

Heatherjayne1972 Sun 17-May-20 23:37:07

@DamnYankee

He actually said that in one of the last messages before I blocked him
‘He was ‘Really struggling with the fact that I don’t trust him’

I’d known him 3 weeks!

OP’s posts: |

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