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He wanted to have sex "as a woman". WTF??

(106 Posts)
Pinkypops2020 Sun 17-May-20 17:05:04

My ex husband came out as a cross dresser at the end of our marriage. One thing I still cannot get out of my head is when he confessed to "wanting to experience sex as a woman". He said he was 100% not gay and did not like the thought of sex with men.
He never spoke about it again and our marriage ended without this conversation ever coming up again. We now don't speak.

Does anyone understand this?

NoMoreDickheads Sun 17-May-20 17:14:04

I've experienced it with a couple of partners/people. It can be sex with just a bit of role play, not even necessarily overly serious.

Or abstractly, some people wonder what the other sex's orgasm/experience is like.

If he started dressing as a woman, he may or may not eventually come out as trans. How long is it since you split? Do you know what he's upto now?

BlueBooby Sun 17-May-20 17:19:48

Did he elaborate on it at all? I mean... He simply can't experience sex as a woman, he hasn't got the parts.

ofwarren Sun 17-May-20 17:21:47

What did he mean? Dressed as a woman or he wanted to be penetrated?
Either way, he would never be able to experience sex "as a woman".

achillesratty Sun 17-May-20 17:28:32

Typical misogynistic view of sex. Men like him presume that sex is something poor fragile women have done to them by big dominant men. I presume he meant he wanted to play at acquiescence because he likes to pretend he is a "poor helpless little woman" while wearing a dress and demeaning women everywhere. Idiot.

Pinkypops2020 Sun 17-May-20 17:30:24

That's what I didn't understand. He said he'd always fantasised about me being dressed in lingerie and stockings with him in the same kind of outfit... and me penetrating him.

Does this mean he fantasised about being in a lesbian relationship or does it mean he wanted to be penetrated by a man?

I'm still just don't "get it", especially as he had apparently been cross-dressing since he was 8 years old and hid it from me for all our married life !

grey12 Sun 17-May-20 17:31:45

Humm I wouldn't go as far as what other posters are saying.

I am a woman, straight cis, but I do think it would be a fun experience to switch bodies with my husband for a day grin and experience sex as a man.

Don't know if your ex had the same idea or different

ofwarren Sun 17-May-20 17:32:12

Sounds like autogynophilia to me.
Turned on at the thought of themselves as a woman. Like to pretend they are lesbians.
It's a fetish.

fuckinghellthisshit Sun 17-May-20 17:39:18

Have a read OP, it’s a common male fetish called Autogynephilia.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3668898-trans-widows-escape-committee-3-rise-of-the-trans-widows
mirandayardley.com/en/what-autogynephilia-is-and-what-is-it-not-a-brief-note/

Pinkypops2020 Sun 17-May-20 17:39:57

@ofwarren

Yes, that does sound correct. So much so that he apparently used to put panty liners in his knickers as well as wearing wigs, make-up, corsets etc. I had NO idea during our marriage, other than he was never "one of the men" and was always shy and quiet.

DiscoInFurlough Sun 17-May-20 17:44:38

Maybe he fancied you pegging him.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend Sun 17-May-20 17:46:54

It’s the typical fetishisation of “woman”

HermioneWeasley Sun 17-May-20 17:50:45

It’s a deeply sexist trope which means he wants to be dominated and humiliated- because that’s what being a woman is about.

Check out the trans widows threads on here.

Glad you’re out and have nothing more to do with him.

Zaphodsotherhead Sun 17-May-20 17:51:31

This explains a lot about some of the men I've known who've wanted to have, for want of a better word, the experience of being a woman.

They, without exception, wanted to wear stockings, suspenders and very revealing outwardly 'sexy' clothes, and wanted their partner to wear the same.

They never wanted the true experience of being a woman, ie, doing all the housework, 24/7 childcare, perpetually worrying about the rest of the family and usually on an inadequate salary. They wanted the picture perfect idea of womanhood (and yes, mostly sexual).

tanstaafl Sun 17-May-20 17:54:59

@Grey12

I am a woman, straight cis

So a straight woman then?

Pinkypops2020 Sun 17-May-20 17:58:35

One other comment I've just remembered was "I have always wanted you to dress me up as a woman before we had sex". This was NEVER mentioned in 24 years !!! He also didn't mention anything "anal" during sex/marriage, yet he admitted to having bought numerous butt plugs which he threw away after he orgasmed as he was disgusted in himself.

daretodenim Sun 17-May-20 17:59:01

"Sex as a woman"? So that'd be after he'd done the childcare, a load of laundry, a smidgeon of ironing, sorted dinner and got the packed lunches ready, all after a full day's work?

Funny, it's never that sort of sex these men are after.

Helmetbymidnight Sun 17-May-20 18:01:03

I can understand your confusion Op

He can't have sex as a woman because he doesn't have a woman's body, not vagina, breasts, XX chromosomes, hormones etc...anymore than he can have sex as a carpet.

However, he presumably meant he wants to have sex with all the stereotypes associated with women's sexuality. Stereotypes that often have absolutely nothing to do with most women's reality.

I'm glad he's your ex, op.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep Sun 17-May-20 18:01:52

No need to say cis around here @grey12!

ofwarren Sun 17-May-20 18:02:17

Why is he telling you this if he's an ex OP?

Pinkypops2020 Sun 17-May-20 18:03:11

@Helmetbymidnight - The carpet comment made me laugh out loud !! LOL!!

GilbertMarkham Sun 17-May-20 18:04:19

They never wanted the true experience of being a woman, ie, doing all the housework, 24/7 childcare, perpetually worrying about the rest of the family and usually on an inadequate salary. They wanted the picture perfect idea of womanhood (and yes, mostly sexual).

Oh how true

Not to mention period pain and inconvenience, pms, pregnancy, childbirth , sexual harassment from when your boobs appear etc etc.

Pinkypops2020 Sun 17-May-20 18:06:35

@ofwarren - it all came flooding out during the week we separated (for other reasons), but he clearly felt that it was a good time to admit to all of the above.
When he packed his bag to leave, I noticed he'd packed some of my knickers in his bag. A week later, two Amazon parcels arrived with super thick foundation and bronzer, addressed to him (he'd forgotten to change the address!)

As you can imagine, it's truly messed with my head.

GilbertMarkham Sun 17-May-20 18:10:06

When he packed his bag to leave, I noticed he'd packed some of my knickers in his bag

Cheeky fkg bastard - he can buy his own knickers.

GilbertMarkham Sun 17-May-20 18:12:33

Bad enough he does what he does what he's done but stealing your effg knickers on the way out!

As you can imagine, it's truly messed with my head.

There's a trans widows thread on here with lots of women who've experienced this and will hopefully be a good source of support.

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