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If my friend and I have just 'cleared the air' the air, how come I feel worse - long(9 Posts)
Just called my friend to see if her DC's are coming to DD's party. While I was on the phone thought I would mention about DS Christening and the feeling I had after that things were 'a bit funny'.
She said actually I had made her angry, but she was fine now as time gone by, but I was right in thinkning that if we'd have spoken when I last saw her she would probably have had a row with me.
All over that her DH had tickets for a day at the Zoo on the day of DS's Christening and both me and DH had told them seperatley to go to the Zoo, as it was going to be a nice day. But then I had gone on to make an issue of it.
I explained I never made an issue of it and that my only question was to another friend in the church to check they defo were'nt coming so they did'nt arrive late to shut doors having also given up going to the zoo. But that I was completely fine with them going to the zoo - which I was.
She then went on to say her DH seemed a bit put out not to be asked to be a GP - as we go back to when I was 4. And he probably felt I thought more of the friend we did choose. I was blown away by this comment. I think the world of her DH, he was always like my big brother. and I love he thought so much of my mum who used to cook and sew for him when he was little living with his dad, he came to her funeral, which I was really moved by etc. But now we're all married and stuff I see his wife more and sometimes feel a bit uncomfortable around him, not knowing what to say etc - which makes me a bit sad to feel like that, but I cant seem to hold a conversation with him. He sees my DH weekly for sports, but we dont do much else socially, maybe the odd annual barbecue, and occasionally New Years, but nothing else. used to be loads more before we had children, but it's harder these days.
Anyway friend said her DH was more for the zoo, because having not been chosen as a GP he thought we were'nt bothered about him not going. I cannot belive they feel like this. He was out Bestman and she was our Bridesmaid. Both of them mean so much to us. And we always feel left out from there stuff because she has all her family around her (5 mins walk away etc)and DH and I feel like we intrude sometimes. Where as friends who are GP to DD and DS always include us with family and my DC's even call this friends DM Grandma.
I just feel so weird now. Am glad we cleared the air, but am left alomst reeling at what I've been told.
We would love to do more with this couple, and I would have always considered either of them as a GP, but for the fact I did'nt think they felt like they wanted to be included in our lives that much as they have all the wives family.
I can't make any more of an issue with with the Dh of the friend as she said he would go mad if he knew she had told me about how he felt etc.
Sorry it's long but I need to make sense of it and writing helps!
Failure to communicate can lead to so much resentment. It may have been hard to hear all that, but it is good that you know how they feel...and she knows you had no idea, and that you weren't doing anything with intent, iyswim.
So move forward.
You now know they want to be closer. You say you like them, but just thought they didn't want to socialise..
So start inviting them over, start phoning for a natter....include them more.
Now, you might get knocked back at first (bit of suspicion, bit of cutting nose off to spite face) but if you truly like them and value them, just plug away and build a better, closer, relationship.
She said we would catch up before party next week, so thought I might phone and see if she wants to come round for a coffee one day next week.
I was so surprised to hear they felt left out, we always hang back with them, because we feel like we're intruding.
Send her a copy of what you have written here or pretty much.
I think you each made assumptions about the other and it was a total misunderstanding.
Now you know, so you can put it right.
Don't fret about it though, how were you to know? You thought you were doing what they prefered.
going forward i think you just need to be lovely and friendly and say positive stuff like 'lovely to see you - come round, ill make some lunch etc' or whatever, rather than have a heavy talk - that will be easier for everyone
Spoke to DH and he is equaly flabbergasted that they seem to feel towards us the way we do to them, that we are left out etc.
So tomorrow moring and going to get some cream cakes and pop in for a chat, am going to tell her how much we would love to spend more time with them, but always back off from saying so because she has all her family, and how sometimes we feel like we're imposing which then leads to us feeling excluded.
Also going to tell her that They are the only other people in the world I feel confident leaving DS's with apart from GP and that includes MIL!
They mean so much I will feel completely desolate if we loose the friendship - it must not happen. MTDW hit the nail on the head about non-communication. Must try harder in future
I think it always takes a little while to get back on track after clearing the air - sometimes that much honesty and openess can be a bit too much of a shock to both parties.
But it seems clear that you both think a lot of each other and see each other as close friends. Just show that you care about them.
Btw from an outside pov it seems to me that you all really consider each other close friends but are tiptoeing around each other a bit too much - her DH was put out that he wasn't going to be a gp so tried to show he didn't care by going to the zoo, and you said go ahead when you would probably have liked them to be there, and they too may really have liked you to say "Please don't go to the zoo, we really want you at the christening!"
Crossed posts with you - that sounds like a great plan!
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