totally fed up with my mum ...not sure how to handle her

[kittenbaby]

im so fed up with my mum
its a long story but shes always totally favoured on of my brothers im one of three

just had my 1st baby 12 weeks ago

she and my dad went off on holiday abroad for 2 weeks 3 weeks before i was due to give birth
as yes they where away when i gave birth to dd
they knew i was pregnant and when the due date was when they booked there holiday
i had so many problems throughout my pregnancy and a difficult birth which resulted in me having to have an operation after the birth to repair damages

all my mum does is want to see her fav son child who is now her fav grandchild she now has five
and whenever i see her all she does is go on about this said gc none of the others

even when we where at my mum and dads house she was so desperate to play with fav gc she almost droped dd as was letting het head wobble all over the place
while rolling a ball to fav gc

she doesnt seem to get a shit about me or my other brother
even when i went for my 6 week check up i was worried about bing examed she didnt even remember when it was or ask me how it went evn though i told het how much i was dreading going and couldnt face it
esp after this operation

and last week
i had to go into hospital to she the consultant about my repair from 4th degree tear operation ,which was a horrible and painful,this was on thursday, and she hasnt even called to see how it went or how i am
oh she did send a text, how thoughtful of her
im so sick of her
i just dont even want to talk to her

she is very anti breastfeeding which is a major pain in the ass
as thats the one thing im struggling with

do you have any ideas what her problm is or what do with her ?

sorry went on a bit there didnt i lol

[moondog]

Oh poor you Kitten!
How dreadful to have had such a rough time with no support from the one you need the most.

How is the breastfeeding going?
You will find tonnes and tonnes of support here?

How about the tear?
Will you be having surgery?

Poor you.


XXX

[kittenbaby]

bf going terrible dont know how i managed 12 weeks tbh
keep getting told to top up
ive got a whole thread going on the breast feeding section
and alot of help from the mn

hopefully i wont be needing more surgery im under the consultant for the next year
my mum told me to get it in perpective when the gp told me hes never seen a 4th degree tear in all the years hes been a gp

iv just really had enough of my mum

[kittenbaby]

when i was on the verge of having a mc at 7 weeks i was crampong and bleeding
she told me my dady never had any interest in me or time for me because i was a girl and that because he used to make her life hell
thats why she used to make my life hell
[ yes she was even worse when i was younger i used to feel so trapped and vunerable]
and helpless

at least im out of her house now and live a good 20 min drive away

just dont know why she has to play favourites
it should really bother me as im nearly 30
but she really should of only had 1 child

[moondog]

Kitten, have posted on your other thread too.
You poor poor darling.
I could weep for you.

How is your dp/dh?
Do you have sisters and brothers with whom to share your feeling.

PS Breastfeeding is going great! The only problem seems to be the tossers you are surrounded by.

[kittenbaby]

yeah my other brother feels the same about mum
and so does his wife and my dh
so its not just me

we can all see what shes like

shes repeating pattens of the past, she used to badly favour this brother now she badly favours his child over all the other gc

im suprised she hasnt even called me to see how i got on at the hospital though

luckliy dh is great and a wonderful support to me

[StealthPolarBear]

kittenbaby poor you
it does sound like she's really self centred
you are doing really well, especially considering everything you have to deal with

[kittenbaby]

the hv and my mum what a combination

[StealthPolarBear]

personally I would ignore her calls for a while
But then I'm childish

[agalch]

Hi Kittenbaby(((hugs)))

I have to dash out to school now but will try and get on later.

I am 36 and have 4 dc's none of whom are my mums fav's.She also favours my db so i know exactly how you feel. I always get upset when she says/does something hurtful and i need to stey away and live my own life but it is hard.

You are doing really well getting to 12 weeks and i am sure tiktok etc can gie you loads of advice. You will be a fab mummy and not play favourites!!!

[salsmum]

kitten.
It can be VERY annoying when mum favours one child over another i was middle of 3 at home and my mum doted on my younger brother .
What about having a word with your other sibling? maybe that would help .
My parents in law never really accepted me either .
You sound like a fighter though to go through childbirth etc.. without your mum it could'nt have been easy for you.
What about your mil? or have you any mum type figure who you're close to who could offer some support?.
I know it hurts to not have your mum support you when you need it but just remember that what goes round!!!!!!!!!!!!! .
good luck.
xj

[sweetkitty]

kittenbaby I know exactly where you are coming from on this one, my Mum has alwasy favoured my brother over me everyone knows and jokes about it.

When I was just about to gove birth to DD2 I had really bad sinusitis, SPD so could hardly walk and had a toddler to look after yet she would never offer to come up and help out for a few hours. My brother asks her for some bolognese sauce or a shirt and she will get Step-Dad to drive over with it. She has not been to see the DDs for 6 weeks and I am not going to hers as it's an hours drive away with two thats difficult plus she has dogs which jump all over the DDs despite me telling her not to let them near them. I just had a mc and her words were "maybe it's for the best then" when I said DP was handling it very well.

She's anti BFing as well but this made me even more determined to do it, she also has said a woman is not a real woman unless she produces a son and that only she and one cousin have hit the jackpot with a perfect pair WTF. She hardly bothers with DD2 and I know if my brother produces a son they will both be forgotten about.

Oh I could go on for ages I really sympathise with you I know exactly what you are going through, I actually have very low self esteem and have depression issues in part due to my childhood, yes I am 32 but I'm still really bitter about it. Oh and to the outside world she is always bigging me up saying how I went to university (no thanks to her) had a career and now am a great mum to my DDs although she would never say this to me.

I try to limit my contact with her now, if she doesn't realise how great my DDs are and play a part in their lives then it's her loss.

[hunkermunker]

Oh, sweetheart

I'm very glad you have a supportive, kind DH.

I would say can you ask her why she's like this, but it sounds like she's pretty aware of her behaviour

Would counselling help, do you think? Or a course in assertiveness? Something to help you realise you're doing really well and not to be too reliant on your mum and HV for advice/approval.

Thinking of you xx

[kittenbaby]

yeah good point fav child will hav to b the one to deal with hr when shes wetting the bed at night whn shes old etc as i cert wont
id put hetr straight into a home

dont know why i still seek her approval or affection after all these years
must just be a bulit in thing a child wanting a mothers love

i know i must just accept she is not the person i want her to be and avoid

heres a few more examples of her fine mothering techniques [ oh how many i have ]

when i was talking to someone about the birth and saying i was suprised at well i coped in labour as i only had gas and air in labour and nothing at the pushing stage and that i sort of felt like i went into a zone in my mind
she shot me down saying well its the gas and air that makes you feel that way
trying to take any credit away from me

she keep on telling me to have salt baths after the birth as she had it for her stiches,even though what happened to me was more than just a few stictches after telling me to do this about 5 five times she then moved onto asking me if i had, had a salt bath, i said well i did ask the mw but she said its not really recommened anyore as its a bit harsh she got really mad and snapped wll women had to be a bit tougher in my day
as if im some sort of wimp
esp aftr everything ive been though
this was about 4 days after having my dd

[Bessie123]

Kittenbaby, it sounds horrible for you. The only positive I suppose is that you can make sure your dd NEVER feels like you have done.

Hope you feel better soon

[Neverenough]

Bloody Norah sweetkitty!-what century was your mother born in, I'm staggered by your comment about her saying you're not a real woman unless you've produced a son!

I think that tells you everything you need to know about her really!

Kittenbaby, I so sympathise with you and send you lots of support and best wishes.
I've been a GP for 17 years and never seen a 4th degree tear! I hope you get good surgical advice! I think you are fantastic for persevering with difficult BF under the circumstances!

[kittenbaby]

sweetkitty im shocked at your mum 2

but it does help to know im not the only on feeling this was iykwim

just dont really know how to handle her

[kittenbaby]

thats intereesting to you never enough that you as a gp have also never seen a 4th degree tear for years as well as my own gp

mum seems to think ive only had a few stiches and an making a big deal out of it

the surgeon told me to take it really really asy for 6 weeks, mum told me to stop takig the lactulose
as it wont help me get better wtf
and that i should be helping dh and doing more around the house
this was about 3 weeks after dd was born

dh has never had a prob with bunging a shepards pie or whatever in the oven as he puts it
as he says hardly a great hardship is it

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

kittenbaby

Such situations often come to the fore only when children now adults of toxic parents go on to have their own children.

I think that both of your parents are toxic and there is another thread on this Relationships header which you may want to read. Its called "My mother has cut me out of my life - sorry".
Its about other Mumsnetters writing about their own relationships with their toxic parents/mother. It may help you.

You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. Its not a panacea by any means but gives insight into how and why such dysfunction families work the way they do.

If you don't want to talk to her then put space and a lot of it between you and her. Don't seek her approval.

Do you ultimately want to confront them?.

[kittenbaby]

well the way i feel right now
is i just dont want to see her or talk to her

my feelings about all this def did start to stir again when i was pregnant
i just find her even harder to understand now im a mum to

i cant understand how she could of done and does all the things she does to two of her own children

i told my other brother that if she had of made me have a mc then i would of cut her out of my life

i also have v low self esteem mainly due to her

[sweetkitty]

kittenbaby - I had a second degree tear with DD1 and that was bad enough, I am really sorry you have a 4th degree one and are getting no support.

I have confronted my Mum on several occasions about her rubbish-ness as a Mum and now as a Gran, she tries to wriggle out of it then she will come for a visit and that will be her for weeks.

neverenough - know I cannot believe her comments sometimes, when a friend was out celebrating having a DD she said to him "oh just make sure you get a "tassle" on the next one WTF I couoldn't believe she said that. She said to me that no one has more than 2 children these days and that she supposes I can have 3 as I should try for a boy!

Kittenbaby - I have decided to let her do all the running so to speak, if she wants to come up she can do I won't stop her seeing her grandchildren but I'm not taking them to her house, the mc was the last straw when I told her I was on the floor crawling and had the DDs to look after and DP was at work she said nothing also she knew I was deciding whether to have an ERPC or a natural mc and she never phoned for a week to see how I was when I asked why she said "well if you had went ot hospital I would have heard about it"

Sorry I'm taking over a bit but that was the last straw for me I have realised she will never be a good mother and that I have to get on with it now but it bloody hurts when you see Grans picking up their DC from nursery or having them overnight or even just for a few hours to give Mums a break. I would love one of those Mums who are really close to their children and their children couldn't be without them but thats not going to happen the only thing I CAN do is make sure I'm that sort of a Mum to my children.

[kittenbaby]

i dont know what will happen next time i see or speek to her
will she even ask me how i am ?

its my 30th bday next week so i suppose she will feel like she has to get in touch
i feel like not answering the door/phone

she also said after the 4th degree tear op
oh i think thats what happened to me
-it didnt and you certainly dont think that this has happened to you, you would bloody well know if it had
youd hsave to have a repair op for a start

[Tanee58]

Good grief. How old is your mum? How does the favoured bro feel about it? Has it caused problems between him & you & your other brother?

I agree - they sound toxic. If your father gave your mother grief over having a girl, she's probably been messed up for years - that's no excuse for taking it out on you and your family though.

My mum isn't anything like as bad - fortunately she had two dds and my little sister didn't turn out to be the son she'd hoped for. My dad and I were very happy about it - neither of us wanted competition - but although my mum would deny it, I've always felt she approves of my sister (who's 7 years younger than I) and considers her sensible and somehow more adult than I am. Even DD who's 15 has noticed this, and said recently, 'grandma doesn't love me' because my mum had appeared to compare her unfavourably with my neice (nice sweet innocent country-bred child as opposed to my lovely, streetwise, London daughter). It made me wild on dd's behalf, but not much point in confronting my mum now - she's over 80 and too old to change.

Really feel for you. You may have to just cut your mother out if she continues to treat you so thoughtlessly. I'm a fair bit older than you and encounters with my mother still hurt. However old we get, we never stop wanting their approval. I get on best with my mum when I don't see her too often and I know I'll suffer awful guilt when I lose her, but the alternative is to be continually wound up by her.

[Wisteria]

Kitten - this is horrible for you, it's made me sad just reading it. I would certainly ignore her calls, but it's difficult as you probably think - oh this time she might really be ringing to see how I am so get tricked into picking up. At least you have a lovely dh.

I have a similar relationship with my father and all I can advise is to concentrate on building a strong family bond with your other brother. My Mum (who was lovely) died 3 years ago and my bros and I were forced to then realise what a shit my father is. We have dealt with it by doing as much together as possible and only dealing with Dad when we have to - it's sad but inevitable as toxic parents never change IME.
PMSL at toxic parents btw, never heard that before but it's very apt.

I admit I still crave Dad's approval and affection deep down but am slowly realising it ain't never gonna happen, so my db now tells me all his news and I do the same to him, that way we get some praise!

[Wisteria]

Morning Tanee!

[Wisteria]

shit it's 3 o'clock - oh no, I'll be working all night now!