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Affair depression and limerance

(51 Posts)
Depressedandconfused Sun 17-May-20 13:50:08

I need help please esp if any counsellors are reading this.

I don’t know if this is depression, limerance or something else but I had a long term affair that went on for 4 years that I told DH about 5 years ago. We have been trying to work on our marriage since but nothing has gotten better at all. DH brings it up all the time and questions where I am all the time etc and fights all the time about it. I’m always sorry and do whatever he wants to prove myself to him and I’ve been totally NC with AP for 5 years.

I don’t know if relevant but AP suffered from depression. AP’s wife also knew as we told spouses at the same time so that we could be together . His wife made it impossible for him to access his DC and made his life horrible after he moved out . He moved back to the family home

DH absolutely screwed me over financially and begged me to reconsider for our DCs. He also was sure he could forgive and that I had temporarily lost my mind. I didn’t think I had depression but over the last 5 years I don’t know if I have developed it or not. I think I have tho as I have anxiety, can’t sleep, moods unpredictable, cry all the time, nothing makes me feel anything except empty.

I am totally obsessed with AP and what he is doing every second of the day. My emotional state is a mess and has been for 5 years. I miss him literally all the time and day and night I am thinking about him.

I bumped into him last week after 5 years. And he told me nothing has changed for him either and that he loves me as much now as he did 5 years ago. We have gone full NC for 5 years and have both been so unhappy. AP said he is completely obsessed with me to and that he can’t get over us at all. He asked me to think about leaving now and that he is desperate to leave and to be happy together.

My question is whether this obsession from both of us can still possibly be love or whether it’s depression or limerance all made worse by lockdown and being stuck with spouses who haven’t forgiven and are making our lives as punishing as possible.

Marriages don’t recover after this amount of time do they? If no recovery in 3-5 years it’s not going to happen is it?

The fact we both feel exactly the same about each other, does that mean something or is this limerance and depression coming into play?

Please help.

OP’s posts: |
Wer2Next Sun 17-May-20 14:08:33

I think if you leave your marriages, leave not because of OM, you need to learn to be on your own, find yourself and see what you want from your life moving forward.

Don't put your happiness on another person, 5 years is a long time and what you have may just be a fantasy because you are both so unhappy

Figgygal Sun 17-May-20 14:11:14

Leave your marriage for you not the OM
I can’t see how after 5 years it’ll get any better no

Fairenuff Sun 17-May-20 14:11:41

How did you bump into him?

TheStoic Sun 17-May-20 14:12:42

You sound absolutely miserable.

But you need to understand that the other man can’t make you happy. You seem to think that he is the answer to all your problems. But he’s not, and you’re not the answer to his.

This could be love, and maybe you are a great match for each other. But you both need to be healthy.

End your marriage, be by yourself, get counselling.

LilaGrace Sun 17-May-20 14:14:05

Leave your marriage. After so long it is obviously not going to recover and you and AP still have feelings for each other. What are you waiting for?

Devlesko Sun 17-May-20 14:19:59

Leave your marriage and let your dh find someone who can keep her knickers on, he deserves better than you.
The OM won't leave his wife though, but do you want to be with a cheat, like yourself?
Time to be on your own for a bit, find out who you are and eventually find someone who you don't find the need to cheat on.

Truthpact Sun 17-May-20 14:25:59

Leave your marriage. Your husband isn't happy and he deserves to be, plus this will be affecting your children. Be on your own for a while, don't jump straight to om. Chances are he won't leave his wife anyway.

Newtothis2017 Sun 17-May-20 14:26:55

I think you should leave. Everyone deserves to be happy including you.

sonjadog Sun 17-May-20 14:27:03

Five years is a long time to be miserable in you marriage and to want someone else. I think if I were in your position I would separate those two points and deal with them individually. The first is to end your marriage because it is miserable, not for another man. When you have gone through that process, you might find that your feelings for the other man have subsided because they largely so strong due to your own unhappiness with your current life. Or you may find that they are still there and that he feels the same and that you want to be together. But I think there are a lot of steps to be gone through before you get to the point of being able to think about that.

YgritteSnow Sun 17-May-20 14:33:35

Yes, time to leave. Your marriage will not recover. You love someone else. It's not about who deserves what now or shaming you. It's about doing what's right for every person in this mess because that's what it is. Two non functioning marriages with multiple people including children not getting a fair deal. Take steps to end things as cleanly as possible.

Cosyblanky Sun 17-May-20 14:33:48

So you both left your spouses for each other then returned to your marriages? I think you should leave and spend sometime on your own. The whole situation sounds drama filled and doesn't add up. You should know after all this time wether it's limerence or not, surely? Did you and AP move in together after you told your spouses? If you did surely you would know how you feel?

PaperbackRitur Sun 17-May-20 14:36:53

I’m not sure this could be more unhealthy for any of you.

VeganVeal Sun 17-May-20 14:44:13

Yes leave and let your poor OH get on with his life and hopefully he will find someone who loves and respects him and wont shag some other guy behind his back

Greenkit Sun 17-May-20 14:52:44

You're not happy, even after trying for 5yrs, so leave, start again on your own.

If you then have space for this OM and he has left his wife for himself, then be together.

4yrs is a long time to have an affair, so I just don't think your marriage is recoverable.

user1481840227 Sun 17-May-20 15:23:01

You absolutely need to end the relationship that you're in. You need to realise that if you do that you may end up on your own because you cannot control what your AP does. He may not leave or may go back to his wife.

You need to come to terms with and accept that so that if you do leave your husband and your AP stays with his wife that you stay strong and do not go back to your husband because clearly it is not working, I very much doubt that your relationship can heal after this amount of time, do you even want it to?

Patch23042 Sun 17-May-20 15:33:17

Leave your husband and take it from there.

You were wrong to cheat, but your husband and your AP’s wife were wrong to make threats about children and money in order to force you to stay with them when you obviously wanted divorces. Do they have no self-respect? They must be unhappy too.

Four unfulfilled adults in loveless marriages. That’s sad but even sadder is that kids are suffering too. They pick up on this stuff at home.

Ritascornershop Sun 17-May-20 17:50:25

I’m not sure it matters if it’s limerance or not. You loved your ap, you aren’t happy with your husband & he is not happy with you. After 5 years I think it’s very unlikely you will become happy with your husband, you have given it a shot, it’s time to move on.

Will you be okay if you end up on your own? This is the only question. I hope it works out for you and the ap, often times it does but there is no guarantee that strong feelings of love will end up with you together.

Devlesko Sun 17-May-20 18:55:42

I think you need to stop focussing on being unfaithful, the past, and put your children first for once, they deserve better.
Who cares what it was, it was 5 years ago and not relevant now.
Look at how you can move on, it's not healthy to live so long in the past,.
Then for god's sake concentrate on sorting yourself out, a better life for your dc, on your own, without a man.

Lovestoned Sun 17-May-20 19:33:20

After 5 years, that is a really long time. I think it's love.

Depressedandconfused Sun 17-May-20 20:34:20

We didn’t live together when we both left 5 years ago because of our children and wanting to take things slow for them. He moved out for 3 months before he couldn’t cope not seeing his DC anymore. His wife made his life hell in that time trying to ruin his work relationships, no access to his DC etc.

I didn’t actually move out because I couldn’t afford to rent anywhere and DH wouldn’t move out of the family home. AP said I should just move in with him but I couldn’t move out of marriage straight into another relationship with my DC. That would have been too much for them to cope with. DH cut off my bank account access and I just couldn’t do it with no financial ability to.

On both sides my DH and his wife were both being so forgiving and saying we were ruining everyone’s lives if we did it. The easier option was just to stay as we were and to go NC and rebuild everything we had broken.

Except that nothing has been rebuilt for anyone.

Everyone keeps saying I should leave for me and I know I shouldbut I wouldn’t do it. I haven’t been single for 22 years and it’s not like I want to be with anyone else. I’m completely obsessed with and love AP that the the only reason I would put myself through divorce and ending up with absolutely nothing would be for him.

OP’s posts: |
shootmenow2020 Sun 17-May-20 20:41:42

It sounds like your family would be better off if you left, surely they can tell your depressed. The kids would pick up on it. Having an affair wasn't ideal but it looks like you've tried everything to make amends and it's still not working. Life if too short OP, I think it's time to spectate from your husband. Speak with women's aid about financial abuse.

Greenkit Sun 17-May-20 20:42:42

I left my husband after 29 yrs, I did like someone but didn't leave for him.

I got my own place and then after 8 month we started dating.

It can work

SandyY2K Sun 17-May-20 21:40:32

How old are all the children involved? Surely they'll be able to have a relationship with each parent, thsy the other wont be able to manipulate so easyily.

SandyY2K Sun 17-May-20 21:42:02

I meant to add that you and the OM need to make a plan and be honest with u our spouses....you don't love them.

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