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Really need some advice

8 replies

wondermine · 17/05/2020 12:30

Hi everyone, I’ve come on here to please ask for some advice. I’ve been married for over a decade but just lately I’m not happy. It’s mainly because of the way my DH talks to me. We’ve got small kids. He does his share and is good in all ways but sometimes the way he talks to me makes me really upset. It’s hard to explain but it’s just not normal. It’s not all the time but he just often doesn’t speak to me like I imagine normal married people do. He swings between what feels like love bombing “hello gorgeous” over exaggerated tone and grabbing my butt for example to dismissive and employee like and then sometimes like this morning, weird fake politeness, like we are strangers? I don’t know how else to explain it. So I imagine if a family with small kids are deciding what to do with the day, they’d chat and the conversation would go “what do you fancy doing with the day” and then you’d chat it back and forth. My husband doesn’t do this. It feels weird and often stilted and strange. This morning he came to find me in the shower and said “I’m taking the kids for a walk. You’re more than welcome to join us”
I’ve had this kind of thing for years. It’s not normal is it? That’s how I’d speak to a friend who was staying in my house for the weekend or the neighbour over the road. I don’t know what to do about it. There’s no way to talk to him about any of this because I’ve tried before and it either results in cold shouldering or fake love bombing. As a result, I feel like I really don’t know where I stand, I feel uncomfortable and I feel unhappy. I wonder if I’m robbing myself of finding somebody who will talk to me properly. I just don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life swinging between fake polite or fake love bombs! Has anybody else dealt with stuff like this before? I grew up in a house where nobody ever spoke normally to me so I may be very over sensitive to this.

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Weclapclapclapclapclaptogether · 17/05/2020 12:32

Sounds like emotional abuse to me. He's got you walking on eggshells and you never know where you are with him. Do you feel the need to please him all the time to stay in life bomb phase?

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Apple1029 · 17/05/2020 12:33

You're right this doesnt sound normal. Why would he assume that you wouldnt want to come along or see that you're still getting ready so just wait for you. Sounds like he thinks you are two individual parts to the family ?
With the fake love bombing, do you think he does it because he really doesnt know what's normal communication or do you think it's done intentionally?

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wondermine · 17/05/2020 12:33

I don’t know how I feel to be honest. I guess I’d just like to hear from people how they talk to each other and if this is normal? Is what he said to me this morning normal because it doesn’t feel like it is.

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Weclapclapclapclapclaptogether · 17/05/2020 12:36

No it isn't normal, it doesn't sound like a warm and loving family environment to invite the mother out for a walk as if she is an afterthought.

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wondermine · 17/05/2020 12:37

@Apple1029 I just don’t know. We’ve had a couple of “I love you but I’m not in love with you” declarations over the last couple of years that he’s then changed his mind about. So I guess that’s why I’m now suspicious of the over the top compliments? It’s the way you’d talk to a small child? “Oh you’re so brilliant. Well done you” if that makes any sense at all. Maybe feels like he’s trying too hard? It doesn’t feel true or real or honest?

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wondermine · 17/05/2020 12:39

@Weclapclapclapclapclaptogether that’s exactly how I felt, an afterthought. Like he wanted to go out with the kids but exclude me and didn’t know how to do that so deliberately did the fake polite invite?

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wondermine · 17/05/2020 12:40

It’s a weird way to talk to somebody? If we were housemates and not romantically involved then that’s the way you’d talk to somebody? I’ve got friends who talk to me more intimately than that!

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wondermine · 17/05/2020 12:42

It’s now playing into his hands again because I’m upset and feeling down and unhappy about it which gives him the fuel/righteous “I did nothing wrong” “you’re unreasonable” thing. There’s no way to explain how I feel about this without him reacting badly. I don’t know what to do next. Suck down the unhappiness and be fake polite back for the day. Again. Whilst feeling incredibly lonely and unhappy