Hi all,
Sorry for the long post.
My partner and I have recently moved back from the UK to our home country and are expecting our first child.
Due to the covid pandemic, our plans went momentarily out the window, since he should have resumed his old job and I should have started managing my own small business. We’re both currently not working, and I think we’ll probably be until late autumn, if not next year.
We originally planned to move back because we wanted to raise our child in our small hometown, and one of the conditions was the fact that we would have moved to a house that belongs to my family. It’s a nice independent house, with lots of potential (a lovely garden, room for a swimming pool, etc). This property has got tenants living in At the moment, so we might have to wait a couple of months before taking over.
Since we moved back, my partner and I are living in another family apartment, attached to the one my mother and sister (in her late 20s) live in.
My sister is younger than me, she can be extremely challenging to deal with and, while my mum and I are used to her and try to keep the peace at home, my partner has got to the point that he can’t stand her. He has now said that he does not want to move to the property we were meant to, because he fears my sister will be there all the time, will show up with her friends uninvited and use the swimming pool and things of that nature. He fears he will always feel as a guest because he did not pay for the apartment and my sister will use the apartment as she pleases, because technically it’s half hers.
So the bottom line is that now he wants to look for a flat to rent out: the location we live in is extremely expensive, so it’s not easy to find a good deal. We are currently out of work, so this means that we will have to start use our savings. Lastly, and this is what pains me the most, I would have to explain my mum and dad why we don’t want to move to that property anymore, which I’m afraid will be a tough conversation and can damage our relationship and the one we have with my family who have been no other than supportive.
From my side, I think we should take the family apartment anyway, and of course put some boundaries to protect our privacy and our new your family: I think my partner’s fears are justified but they are not necessarily going to materialize. I am not willing to let anybody come uninvited or use our property without us approving it, and of course this applies to members of my family as well. I know I can’t discuss this with my sister prior to any actual incident happening, because of course she’ll push everything back and she’ll cause a fuss.
This issue has now put me under a lot of stress, to the point that I find myself crying because I don’t know what to do (this is so annoying...I used to never cry before the pregnancy, now I am a river): on the one hand I don’t want to indulge my partner’s assumptions and miss the opportunity to have the peace of mind of owning our own place, but on the other hand I want him to feel comfortable and relaxed in what will be his forever home.
I should add that we can’t afford to buy our own place, because as I said the location we live in is extremely expensive (think a worldwide known holiday destination), banks are not giving mortgages to people in our position and the savings that we have would not be enough to put down a deposit.
What would you do?
Thanks a million x
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Relationships
Partner refusing to move to family property due to sister’s behavior
SavannahKT · 17/05/2020 10:56
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Hmm, I think that sometimes families can become accustomed to poor behaviour on the part of some individuals and say 'Oh, that's just what they're like..' while newcomers have their mouths hanging open. You and your parents might have spent years 'managing' her behaviour and have an inbuilt loyalty, whereas he sees her more objectively.
It doesn't sound as if money is too flush, so a period of time living in a family property would be very sensible. But at the same time, I think you need to put proper measures in place to make sure that your partner doesn't feel that he will be constantly invaded.
A nice set of metal side gates work like a charm 
and make sure there are no spare keys floating around.
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