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Partner refusing to move to family property due to sister’s behavior

(46 Posts)
SavannahKT Sun 17-May-20 10:56:34

Hi all,
Sorry for the long post.
My partner and I have recently moved back from the UK to our home country and are expecting our first child.
Due to the covid pandemic, our plans went momentarily out the window, since he should have resumed his old job and I should have started managing my own small business. We’re both currently not working, and I think we’ll probably be until late autumn, if not next year.
We originally planned to move back because we wanted to raise our child in our small hometown, and one of the conditions was the fact that we would have moved to a house that belongs to my family. It’s a nice independent house, with lots of potential (a lovely garden, room for a swimming pool, etc). This property has got tenants living in At the moment, so we might have to wait a couple of months before taking over.
Since we moved back, my partner and I are living in another family apartment, attached to the one my mother and sister (in her late 20s) live in.
My sister is younger than me, she can be extremely challenging to deal with and, while my mum and I are used to her and try to keep the peace at home, my partner has got to the point that he can’t stand her. He has now said that he does not want to move to the property we were meant to, because he fears my sister will be there all the time, will show up with her friends uninvited and use the swimming pool and things of that nature. He fears he will always feel as a guest because he did not pay for the apartment and my sister will use the apartment as she pleases, because technically it’s half hers.
So the bottom line is that now he wants to look for a flat to rent out: the location we live in is extremely expensive, so it’s not easy to find a good deal. We are currently out of work, so this means that we will have to start use our savings. Lastly, and this is what pains me the most, I would have to explain my mum and dad why we don’t want to move to that property anymore, which I’m afraid will be a tough conversation and can damage our relationship and the one we have with my family who have been no other than supportive.
From my side, I think we should take the family apartment anyway, and of course put some boundaries to protect our privacy and our new your family: I think my partner’s fears are justified but they are not necessarily going to materialize. I am not willing to let anybody come uninvited or use our property without us approving it, and of course this applies to members of my family as well. I know I can’t discuss this with my sister prior to any actual incident happening, because of course she’ll push everything back and she’ll cause a fuss.
This issue has now put me under a lot of stress, to the point that I find myself crying because I don’t know what to do (this is so annoying...I used to never cry before the pregnancy, now I am a river): on the one hand I don’t want to indulge my partner’s assumptions and miss the opportunity to have the peace of mind of owning our own place, but on the other hand I want him to feel comfortable and relaxed in what will be his forever home.
I should add that we can’t afford to buy our own place, because as I said the location we live in is extremely expensive (think a worldwide known holiday destination), banks are not giving mortgages to people in our position and the savings that we have would not be enough to put down a deposit.
What would you do?
Thanks a million x

OP’s posts: |
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sun 17-May-20 11:01:50

He's renaged on the deal then? He got you to move from one country to another saying he'll live in a certain property but now you've moved he's not going to? I'd be fucking furious.

Call his bluff. Tell him if he doesn't want to move in with you then he doesn't have to, he can go and rent a place of his own (which he won't be able to do if he's unemployed will he?)

Smartcasual Sun 17-May-20 11:12:12

He fears he will always feel as a guest because he did not pay for the apartment and my sister will use the apartment as she pleases, because technically it’s half hers

Op are you referring to the home your family is giving you, above?

If so then I am afraid I side with your DH. Different situation as we were the ones helping them out, but I have been through some tumultuous times with my dh's family relating to property and money, and it's very difficult to disentangle yourself from them once entrenched! We still, 15 years on, find ourselves paying the charges on my sil's property and her furniture storage while she lives rent free somewhere else!

I may be biaised but imho it's far better to save and plough your own furrow and not be beholden to anyone, even if you live in more humble circumstances as a result.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sun 17-May-20 11:15:14

I agree with what Smartcasual said, however, he did agree to move in to the property, now he's renaging on that deal.

Also, he isn't in a position to buy his own property, or even a share of a property with his girlfriend.

Obvious answer is to just get married, would you consider that OP?

Iwalkinmyclothing Sun 17-May-20 11:17:51

I'd take my partners concerns seriously. He must be really keen to avoid your sister if he would rather use savings to pay high rent than move into the family owned property.

she can be extremely challenging to deal with and, while my mum and I are used to her and try to keep the peace at home

What does extremely challenging mean? What does 'try to keep the peace' mean? And why would your relationship with your family be so damaged by you saying you preferred to sort housing independently?

Moondust001 Sun 17-May-20 11:20:39

So, in a nutshell, he has no money, there is currently no prospect of him having any money, and if he actually gets a job then there is no guarantee that he could afford the standard of living that he wants? And his big problem is that he might have to share a swimming pool that does not yet exist in a house that he's getting given for his use?

He needs to grow up. If the attraction of a swimming pool might be too much, then don't build a swimming pool. Problem solved. Jeez, first world problems!

Didiusfalco Sun 17-May-20 11:22:04

Can we have more background on your sister? I can’t tell if she is just annoying or completely toxic, which would make all the difference in whether dh is unreasonable.

notreallybotheredaboutausernam Sun 17-May-20 11:25:03

@notsuchasmugmarriednow1

I don't understand how getting married would resolve this?

SavannahKT Sun 17-May-20 11:27:09

Thank you all for your replies.
@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 moving was a joint decision. To be honest, I probably wanted it more that he did. I don’t think getting married would change anything, as the property would still be half mine and half my sister’s, as all our other properties are.

@Smartcasual I totally see where you are coming from, property and money can be a painful dealbreaker. Unfortunately, I am not even sure we would ever be able to save enough to buy our own place, and this is what scares me the most. I don’t want to rent for life sad

OP’s posts: |
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sun 17-May-20 11:30:01

Yeah you're right - scrap my comment about getting married - I didn't think it through lol!

CuriousaboutSamphire Sun 17-May-20 11:32:03

Has he never had to live so close to your DSis before?

You say you and your family all know how to manage her. If that means let her get on with whatever she wants and manage your expectations then I can see how he has thought "fuck that for a life".

You don't even say she wouldn't use your home at her own convenience, just that you wouldn't want her to.

I suspect the problem is that you both really do believe that she, but not you? owns half of your parents properties!

Why is that do you think?

Twisique Sun 17-May-20 11:32:41

Don't get married! It will complicate things far too much

CuriousaboutSamphire Sun 17-May-20 11:34:35

I'm still confused. Who actually owns the properties?

Not who will inherit them, who owns them?

BrieAndChilli Sun 17-May-20 11:34:37

If you have several properties that are half yours can you not do a swop so that you now own fully this property and in return your sister will fully own another property?
Or ask you sister to buy you out of a property and that will give you the money to put down towards your own new place?

Dontbeme Sun 17-May-20 11:34:58

You describe the house as being owned by family and owned by you and your sister, so which is it?
If owned by family speak to them about a lease and small rent for everyone's protection legally. If co owned by you and sister buy her out so you own it outright. He is right to be worried if everyone walks on eggshells to please your sister, she won't suddenly respect boundaries when you have DC.

Elsiebear90 Sun 17-May-20 11:36:07

Can you talk more about your sister’s behaviour? Do you tend to make excuses for her or not set firm boundaries? If so I can understand him refusing to live next door to her, he probably feels like if she keep coming over he won’t be able to stop her as he’s living in a property owned by her family, so unless he trusts you completely to enforce clear boundaries and not put up with her poor behaviour, he would never agree to live there and I can’t blame him tbh.

Soon2BeMumof3 Sun 17-May-20 11:36:20

I agree with your husband. This happened to me in reverse when I first married. We lived in a property that was developed by DH's family. It was a fucking disaster. In laws showing up all the time, treating it as their home. I was constantly being assessed as to whether I was 'grateful' enough and respectful of the property. If the in laws popped over and there were dishes in the sink, they'd get upset and call my husband at work saying I wasn't taking pride in the beautiful home they helped build.

It made me feel like a tenant in my own home. It undermined us as a partnership- it wasn't 'our' home, it was theirs. Boundaries were fucked up from day 1 and it was impossible to reset them.

I resented it. I earned good money and brought assets to our marriage, but was still made to feel like I was a street urchin they had generously provided housing for.

My DH didn't get it for a really long time.

Don't do it OP. Listen to your husband. Start your life with him, as a team. It's part of growing up, he is your family now. He needs to take priority over your family of origin.

Opentooffers Sun 17-May-20 11:36:36

While you've been living in an apartment attached to your DM and DSis, has your DSis been coming round with or without friends whenever she's felt like it? It's not on to invade others privacy whether or not you own half of it when someone else is living there.
If you've let her come around your apartment currently, I can see why he's worried about the next place. Put boundaries in now so you can show him that you can enforce your privacy.

Beefcurtains79 Sun 17-May-20 11:37:33

How many properties do you and your sister actually own? Can you not just sell one and use your half on a deposit for a new place for you and your partner?

RandomMess Sun 17-May-20 11:38:23

If you and your DSIS have multiple properties can they not be divided up so you one one or more each of equal value? Another idea would be to pay rent to your DSIS for her half so she has no right to try and use it as hers?

I think it's worth serious discussions with your DH and parents and you need to agree if your DSIS is an issue that you will move out of that property.

Your parents are lumbering you with a very difficult sister to deal with forever by making you joint owners of several properties- I would want that sorted regardless tbh.

OhCaptain Sun 17-May-20 11:38:42

Who owns the house (apartment?) you’re due to move to?

And will you not be paying anything for it at all??

Murraygoldberg Sun 17-May-20 11:38:57

Can you buy your sister out? I certainly wouldn't be considering marrying your partner at present

OhCaptain Sun 17-May-20 11:40:14

Your parents are lumbering you with a very difficult sister to deal with forever by making you joint owners of several properties- I would want that sorted regardless tbh.

I agree with this!

Oliversmumsarmy Sun 17-May-20 11:41:24

I am not willing to let anybody come uninvited or use our property without us approving it

From what you have said it isn’t your property, it is half owned by your sister.

I don’t think he has reneged on any deal. I don’t think he was told or appreciated how bad your sister is.
If your sister was friendly and amenable would you have this problem?
I am also with your dh and think your sister’s behaviour must be pretty abysmal if he wants to spend money on a high rent rather than walk into free housing.

Also if you and he were to split at some point in the future would he be able to make a claim on the property or would he be leaving himself in a very precarious position for later in life.

I think this move back might have seemed great on paper but in practice with the personalities involved and not owning the home 100% it sounds like it was never going to work.

If you even think his fears are justified that your sister will turn up to an apartment she owns and use it with her friends then there is no way you should be moving in until some very large discussions and undertakings have been set.

Why the big drama with telling your family.

They must realise how your sister comes across and appreciate your dh’s issues or is part of the problem that your sister can do no wrong.

saraclara Sun 17-May-20 11:41:48

If you have several properties that are half yours can you not do a swop so that you now own fully this property and in return your sister will fully own another property?

That would be my suggestion too.

He agreed to something that you wanted more than he did, without realising quite how toxic your sister is, and how closely you would be linked for long you remain in that property. I can quite understand his regret, to be honest.

If your family owns lots of properties, how come you're not able to sell your share and be independent of them? I don't understand how you can be thinking you can never own a house, when you already own half of several.

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