My DD has been married for 14 years. She loves her DH and he loves her. I've no doubt about this. However my SIL has been consistently rude to me, constantly criticising what I'm doing, nasty sarcastic remarks, saying the opposite to what I say and contradicting just about everything I say. Consequently I say very little to him, and avoid him wherever possible. He is the same with my DH. He is not the same with anyone else, inc DD and his own mother, friends etc.
My DGD is severely disabled and needs constant care, and because of this I am far more involved than I would have been, sourcing equipment, therapies, transporting to school, etc etc. No one else is available to give care apart them them and me.
SIL works full time, DD is part time. SIL does a huge amount in the home on a daily basis, cooking, shopping, washing and care of DGD. DD does the general cleaning. Because of school closures, work patterns and so on, I was in lockdown with them while SIL worked and stayed in a hotel. During this time DD was brilliant, very focused on home schooling both DGDs, keeping up with the household tasks (she's furloughed) and together it was a positive experience initially, but because disabled DGD wakes at 6 am and is heavy to lift, it was not sustainable. Then SIL was told he could WFM so it seemed ideal. He would help with lifting and leave us to do the rest. However he had literally an hours work to do per day so he was washing, shopping, cooking, and decorating. He began criticising me again behind DDs back, DD seemed to shrink into a depressed state and sat with her phone most of the day plus a little bit of school work.
This is the first time I have seen their household in operation and I'm very concerned he is controlling.
My reasons are: his hostility to me, this taking over many of the household tasks (he insists on doing them) DDs retreat into constant screen time and her whole demeanour is so withdrawn, he constantly buys her chocolate and cake despite her asking not to as she's overweight and trying to diet, he won't let her do the shopping. If she does, he will go out and buy more. He puts on a big martyr act when DGD is doing nothing more than being disabled. Eg he criticised her for wetting through her pad even though she is immobile and the nappy changing is down to the adults! When he cooks he leaves his dinner to go cold and insists DD stays seated while he cleans up the kitchen. If she (or I) load the dishwasher he will rearrange it, despite it being perfectly fine. He seems to be in every corner of the house organising things, and everything has to be done his way. He doesn't criticise what DD does but he will do it for her.
I honestly don't know if this is controlling, but by taking over so many tasks, then acting like a martyr (to make her feel guilty and more obliged to him?), driving a wedge between me and DD (I walked out and came home yesterday), I think it may be. The most compelling thing is seeing my real DD in the time he wasn't there for 3 weeks, and seeing this withdrawn shell with her head in her phone all the time.
On the surface it's brilliant to have a DH doing so many boring household tasks, so why is DD so withdrawn when he's there? He doesn't restrict her seeing friends, having hobbies etc though does make the odd sarcastic remark about costs etc.
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Relationships
Is this subtle controlling behaviour?
begoniapot · 17/05/2020 10:09
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